Spicer: You know where Vinson's jewellers is?
Charlie: Oh, yeah!
Spicer: Yeah, you would.

  --  Hot Snow [1.01]
%
John Steed: Who are you?
Dr. David Keel: I'm very sorry, I can't tell you that. But I'm on the side of the angels, believe me.

  --  Hot Snow [1.01]
%
John Steed: [prepairing to leave] Right, that will have to satisfy you for the moment.
Dr. David Keel: I'm afraid that it doesn't!
John Steed: It will have to, for the time being, Doctor Keel. I'm very sorry but you'll just have to trust me... or not.
Dr. David Keel: Thanks for the choice.
John Steed: Doctor Keel, do you know who killed your fiancee?
Dr. David Keel: No, I don't!
John Steed: I do. And if you don't trust me there isn't a cat in hell's chance of you finding out.

  --  Hot Snow [1.01]
%
Dr. David Keel: Just a minute! How will I keep in contact with you?
John Steed: You won't be able to lose me.

  --  Hot Snow [1.01]
%
Dr. David Keel: What's this?
John Steed: Heroin, old boy. Sit down and I'll tell you the rest.

  --  Brought to Book [1.02]
%
[reading the dossier of the man hs is to impersonate]
John Steed: Timothy James Riodan. Oh, my little Irish mother. Profession: master forger. Delicate fingers - I'd better get a manicure.

  --  Square Root of Evil [1.03]
%
Dr. David H. Keel: [after Lewis sneezes] You should be in bed with a cold like that.
Supt. Lewis: I would be if people didn't jump in the river.

  --  Girl on the Trapeze [1.06]
%
Dr. David H. Keel: [Keel is certain he's seen a dead girl's picture in a newspaper earlier and is going through all the old papers] Now come on, help me.
Carol Wilson: How can I? I don't know what she looks like.
Dr. David H. Keel: You can turn the edges of all the pages with pictures of women on them.

  --  Girl on the Trapeze [1.06]
%
[as he enters a shop against the owners wishes]
John Steed: I suffer under the disability of a public-school education.

  --  The Frighteners [1.15]
%
[masquerading as a tram conductor]
Grechio: Know where I can get a bus to Wembley Park, do you?

  --  The Frighteners [1.15]
%
[Steed asks Dr. Keel to take two unconscious men back to his office]
Dr. David Keel: Anyway, we'd better get these boys home before anyone else passes out. It's a relatively small surgery!

  --  The Frighteners [1.15]
%
John Steed: Doctor?
Dr. David Keel: Yeah?
John Steed: We take him to your surgery.
Dr. David Keel: What for?
John Steed: It's quieter there.
Dr. David Keel: Yea, I'd like to keep it that way.
John Steed: That's precisely my point. He's a private patient, that's why I brought you along,give the police surgeon the night off, follow me?

  --  The Frighteners [1.15]
%
John Steed: Is he alright?
Dr. David Keel: He'll live. His sort always does.

  --  The Frighteners [1.15]
%
John Steed: But you know that those places have a membership of some of the most viscous thugs in London, so Keels rush in where Steeds and angels fear to thread.

  --  The Frighteners [1.15]
%
Deacon: And remember, give him the real frighteners. The real frighteners...

  --  The Frighteners [1.15]
%
Moxon: It's like this, Deacon: I'm out on ticket, see. One lumperin' on me present form and I'll be eating porridge till it's coming out of me flippin' ear-holes.

  --  The Frighteners [1.15]
%
Dr. David Keel: [to Steed] Oh, you are a gay old thing, aren't you?

  --  The Frighteners [1.15]
%
Moxon: Anyway, you leave it to me, I know this business.
Nature Boy: You know it all, don't ya? But I tell ya, the Deacon don't like the...
Moxon: [grabs him by the shirt] A bag in it, will ya!
Nature Boy: Look, leave the shirt alone, will ya?

  --  The Frighteners [1.15]
%
Deacon: I'll have you cut into little pieces...
Dr. David Keel: That remains to be seen.

  --  The Frighteners [1.15]
%
Dr. David Keel: Last night I treated a boy called De Willoughby he ran into four large feet.
Sir Thomas Weller: Pity now, What's that got to do with me?
Dr. David Keel: Quite a lot, You hired them, didn't you?

  --  The Frighteners [1.15]
%
Deacon: As you say, we shall have to make an example of Sir Thomas. Pick him up and do a good job on him. Drop him off in the middle of a nice, quiet, piece of scenery and kick him to a pulp. There's no money in it, boys, but when you're doing your income tax you can put it down to business expenses, advertise it.
Nature Boy: Oh, let me do it, I've got some new boots I want to try out.

  --  The Frighteners [1.15]
%
Mrs. Briggs: How was it, ducky?
Dr. David Keel: Oh Doris, you were wonderful, I don't know how you do it. Never was ten quit better earned.
[Steed laughs]
Mrs. Briggs: Oh, Guinness, lovey, let's keep it professional.

  --  The Frighteners [1.15]
%
John Steed: [Steed fumes to Dr. Keel] So, Keels rush in where Steeds and angels fear to tread!
Dr. David Keel: [Dr. Keel responds sheepishly] Well, I suppose it was a bit melodramatic.

  --  The Frighteners [1.15]
%
Dr. David Keel: Prison clothes.
Carol Wilson: What?
Dr. David Keel: By the look of it, he dived head first through a window. Think we'd better call the police.
Carol Wilson: [sighs] He seemed awfully frightened.
Dr. David Keel: Hm, with good reason I should think.
Carol Wilson: Got a nice face, too...

  --  Tunnel of Fear [1.20]
%
Carol Wilson: [Puppy barges into Dr. Keel's office] Oh, no!
John Steed: We started out for the kennels but the puppy's stronger than I am, I'm afraid.

  --  Tunnel of Fear [1.20]
%
Claire: Look at puppy.
John Steed: Ah, she likes him. She never makes a mistake on character. She's very unpopular... around Westminster.

  --  Tunnel of Fear [1.20]
%
Madame Zenobia: You mean you don't want your fortune told?
Dr. David Keel: Not today, thanks, no.
Madame Zenobia: Pity. I could have told you he was innocent.

  --  Tunnel of Fear [1.20]
%
Madame Zenobia: I can tell you just one thing: your future isn't worth this much.

  --  Tunnel of Fear [1.20]
%
John Steed: [on phone] Now as soon as I get the details on him, I'll ring you back if it's not too late in the evening.
One-Ten: [on other line] It's never too late in the evening.

  --  Tunnel of Fear [1.20]
%
Mrs. Mary Black: You said you were on to something, what?
John Steed: Something now about the law of probabilities.
Mrs. Mary Black: Can you be nabbed for breaking it?

  --  Tunnel of Fear [1.20]
%
Mr. Teddy Bear: Do you mind if I am absolutely frank with you, Mrs. Gale? I killed my first man when I was sixteen years old. There was no doubt about him, he died and he deserved to die. The issues were clear. These days, there is getting to be more and more doubt. Which brings us to where we are now. You must know why you are here.
Catherine Gale: To hear the story of your life, apparently.

  --  Mr. Teddy Bear [2.01]
%
Catherine Gale: You have a surprising faith in gentlemen's agreements, Mr. Teddy Bear. But perhaps you've noticed, I'm not a gentleman.
Mr. Teddy Bear: Oh, I have noticed, eh, with approval.

  --  Mr. Teddy Bear [2.01]
%
Catherine Gale: [seeing Steed resurfacing] Why aren't you dead?

  --  Mr. Teddy Bear [2.01]
%
One-Ten: I've had the squad go over your car, no booby traps.
John Steed: Ah, I told you, he's a gentleman. Heh, never lay a finger on a Rolls.

  --  Mr. Teddy Bear [2.01]
%
John Steed: Oh, I remember him, he was the lad who liked souvenirs, wasn't he? He had an American hand grenade turned into a table lighter. When he picked it up one evening to light a cigar, found that someone had turned it back into a live genade again.

  --  Mr. Teddy Bear [2.01]
%
John Steed: What it comes to, is this, then: you saw no one, he probably wasn't even in the same building. He spoke to you through a Teddy Bear doll, he inspected you through a closed circuit television link. It wasn't his true voice, cause he presumably fed it through a rack of stuff like that, and you brought back with you a cigarette case which may or may nog have prints on it, which in return, may or may not be his.
Catherine Gale: [slightly annoyed] You, of course, would have done a good deal better.
John Steed: Eh, probably.

  --  Mr. Teddy Bear [2.01]
%
Catherine Gale: Do you always arrange to take your calls in a lingerie department?
John Steed: If humanly possible.

  --  Propellant 23 [2.02]
%
[while waiting for an airport to empty so he can break-in to a storeroom]
John Steed: Come on, haven't you got homes to go to?

  --  Propellant 23 [2.02]
%
John Steed: I'm meeting the plane from Tripoli. There's a man on board called Meyer. Now he's got a package. He's going give me the package, and I'm going to take it to London.
Catherine Gale: Really. What's in the package?
John Steed: Ha. I don't know.
Catherine Gale: Typical.
[slams car door]
John Steed: Hey! Hold on, where are you going?
Catherine Gale: Back to Toulon.
John Steed: [gets into her car] No, but you don't understand! Whatever is in this package, it is absolutely vital that I get hold of it. If I don't? Well, governments will fall, chaos will ensue!
Catherine Gale: How can you possibly say that if you don't know what's in it?
John Steed: Well it's some sort of sixth sense you know, we get it in my job. And I got it at the briefing this morning.

  --  Propellant 23 [2.02]
%
Jeanette: Poor little Monsieur Meyer. We all thought he'd had a heart attack.
Paul Manning: Eh, do they know how he took the poison?
Jeanette: No, I suppose he had some pills. Maybe he took it in his coffee?
Paul Manning: Coffee?
Jeanette: Coffee he drank before he collapsed. Remember you helped me carry the tray round?
Paul Manning: Oh, so I did.

  --  Propellant 23 [2.02]
%
Jeanette: You've turned this place into a mess!
Paul Manning: Well, it wasn't much to begin with. I was looking for some cigarettes.

  --  Propellant 23 [2.02]
%
[on Venus' slinky dress]
Yakob Borb: I see you have no hidden weapons

  --  The Decapod [2.03]
%
John Steed: Just how many bodyguards do you go through in a week?

  --  The Decapod [2.03]
%
[complaining of Steed's manipulative treatment]
Venus Smith: All right, but don't do it again.
John Steed: As if I would.

  --  The Decapod [2.03]
%
[about President Yakob Borb's name]
Venus Smith: Sounds like a beat poet.

  --  The Decapod [2.03]
%
[to a thuggish bodyguard]
Venus Smith: Come on, boy, heel!

  --  The Decapod [2.03]
%
[to another burly bodyguard]
Venus Smith: What do you want now, a biscuit?

  --  The Decapod [2.03]
%
Venus Smith: When would he want me to start this tour?
John Steed: As soon as you can talk him into it.
Venus Smith: Oh, charming. Thank you and good night.

  --  The Decapod [2.03]
%
John Steed: I say, who was that poor girl phoning just before she was killed?
Stepan: How do you know she was phoning anyone?
John Steed: After you left, I took the liberty of having a look around the embassy. There were traces of soap on the telephone.

  --  The Decapod [2.03]
%
[at the stock market]
John Steed: Ohhh, they're so greedy.

  --  Bullseye [2.04]
%
Catherine Gale: How would you, eh, describe your taste in decor?
Henry Cade: Vulgar.
Catherine Gale: I see you are a frank, straightforward man.
Henry Cade: No, I am cunning and devious.

  --  Bullseye [2.04]
%
Catherine Gale: My name is Catherine Gray, from The Woman About London Magazine.
Henry Cade: I can give you six minutes.
Catherine Gale: Thank you. We do a regular Personality of the Month series, a sort of little profile of famous men. For example, last month...
Henry Cade: [interrupting] Actually, rather less than six minutes.

  --  Bullseye [2.04]
%
John Steed: And he was snooping around your flat this morning. The window cleaner saw him off the premises.
Catherine Gale: I don't understand, my window cleaner doesn't call today.
John Steed: It was a different window cleaner. Me.

  --  Bullseye [2.04]
%
Jean: Do you ever go to sea in this, Mr. Young?
Young: Yes, but only when I'm carrying white slave cargo.

  --  Bullseye [2.04]
%
Catherine Gale: Well, here it is.
[hands over a piece of paper]
Henry Cade: What's this?
Catherine Gale: Well, I've been up all night, doing it!
John Steed: Doing what?

  --  Bullseye [2.04]
%
Pearson: [filmstar Carla Berotti is on board the MV Calpurnia] Looks like we're in for a lively time. Ever seen any of her pictures?
Alec Nicholson: I don't interest myself for the cinema, Mr. Pearson. Or in women like that.

  --  Mission to Montreal [2.05]
%
Photographer: Give us the swept back look, Carla.
Carla Berotti: Oh, can't you guys think of anything new?
Photographer: Easily, but the censor'd hit it with a hammer.

  --  Mission to Montreal [2.05]
%
Carla Berotti: It's mixed up though, I like you, too. Do you think that means I'd like to have an afair with you, subconciously?
Dr. Martin King: Now how would you do that, subconciously?
Carla Berotti: [gets angry] If you weren't my doctor, we could have an intelligent relationship. But nobody can have an intelligent relationship with a doctor!

  --  Mission to Montreal [2.05]
%
Dr. Martin King: [having just been awakened by Steed] Oh, has that drunk come round, can I have my bunk back?
John Steed: No, I'm afraid not. He's been murdered. Somebody's cut his throat, come on. I think they were after you. Your dressing gown's absolutely ruined.

  --  Mission to Montreal [2.05]
%
[Cecile tries to seduce Steed]
Cecile Dragna: Why so shy?
John Steed: Retiring nature.
Cecile Dragna: What does that mean?
John Steed: It means I want to live long enough... to retire.

  --  The Removal Men [2.06]
%
John Steed: Why don't you have any money?
Venus Smith: Because you shot my boss!

  --  The Removal Men [2.06]
%
Cecile Dragna: My husband'll kill you.
John Steed: Your husband's in Italy, on business. By the time he comes back I'll be miles away.
Cecile Dragna: There aren't that many miles.
John Steed: We'll see.

  --  The Removal Men [2.06]
%
Jailer: [after accepting a bribe] You said ten thousand Francs.
Bug Siegel: Five now, five later. I wanna make sure I get out.
Jailer: We wouldn't think of locking up a lawyer!

  --  The Removal Men [2.06]
%
Charlie Bonnay: Shall I wait for you?
Nicole Cauvin: No, you go and have some lunch.
Charlie Bonnay: All right, can I bring something for you?
Nicole Cauvin: Oh, you know very well it's my no lunch day today!

  --  The Removal Men [2.06]
%
Bug Siegel: [on phone] Steed slipped up. Yeah, somebody saw him leaving the studio with Nicole Cauvin. Well, this little singer of mine, here, Venus Smith.
[listens]
Bug Siegel: Oh, yeah, we'll have to get rid of her. Her or Steed...
[end of Act 2]

  --  The Removal Men [2.06]
%
Jack Dragna: Take the car, go home and pack.
Cecile Dragna: Everything?
Jack Dragna: Everything. And get back here fast, we're going to need the car.

  --  The Removal Men [2.06]
%
John Steed: Why'd you let the band go? Little Venus and I could've had a little twisting session.

  --  The Removal Men [2.06]
%
Bug Siegel: [about Steed] He's as mad as a cut snake.
John Steed: Now look at it this way: a few days ago, you didn't know I existed.
Bug Siegel: So were's the improvement?

  --  The Removal Men [2.06]
%
Catherine Gale: Well, to have a stamp like that offered on a list is like seeing a Leonardo da Vinci painting advertised for sale on your local newsagent's board.
John Steed: You'd be surprised at the artwork my newsagent sells.

  --  The Mauritius Penny [2.07]
%
[examining the contents of Goodchild's wallet]
John Steed: Membership cards to three strip clubs and a ticket for a Turkish baths. Obviously a clean-living young man.

  --  The Mauritius Penny [2.07]
%
[to his Dalmatian after a strained conversation with Cathy]
John Steed: Oh Freckles, I'll never understand your sex.

  --  The Mauritius Penny [2.07]
%
Lord Matterley: [a man has just been shot at an auction] Someone appears to have fainted.
John Steed: I'm not surprised, at these prices.

  --  The Mauritius Penny [2.07]
%
Catherine Gale: And what if Mr. Goodchild and Miss Gray were close friends?
John Steed: Look, if you wanted to contact me, would you write my full name and adress in your diary?
Catherine Gale: I don't keep a diary.

  --  The Mauritius Penny [2.07]
%
Maitland: I have reason to believe that both we and our enemies are in for a big surprise. Pleasant for us, but devastating for them!
[audience cheers and applaudes]

  --  The Mauritius Penny [2.07]
%
Catherine Gale: You didn't really think you could take over this country with a few fanatics in fancy dress, did you?

  --  The Mauritius Penny [2.07]
%
[Steed misintreprets Cathy's actions when she pulls back the sheets on the bed in the room where they are imprisoned]
John Steed: This is neither the time, nor the place.

  --  Death of a Great Dane [2.08]
%
Getz: Mr. Steed, the basic premise of blackmail is that the person you're trying to blackmail has committed a criminal act. Now, the only person you're in a position to blackmail is Miller. And as he has no money, that would be unrewarding.
John Steed: Go on, you fascinate me.

  --  Death of a Great Dane [2.08]
%
Gregory: It's the power that excites me, sir. I want to be rude and ill-mannered and order people about.

  --  Death of a Great Dane [2.08]
%
John Steed: [about Cathy's bird photography] Is this all?
Catherine Gale: Yes.
John Steed: But you've been away a fortnight, I mean, three birds to show for it?
Catherine Gale: They don't stand still and pose for you, Steed.
John Steed: They do for me...

  --  Death of a Great Dane [2.08]
%
Getz: You don't know very much about the Litoff Organisation, now do you?
John Steed: No, noone does, that's what's so intriguing.

  --  Death of a Great Dane [2.08]
%
Catherine Gale: What's this?
John Steed: Milk.
Catherine Gale: Why?
John Steed: We're going to a wine tasting.
Catherine Gale: We are?
John Steed: Pretty good base. Keeps your pallet perceptive, and stopes you getting sloshed.

  --  Death of a Great Dane [2.08]
%
Gregory: Of course, I don't have the benefit of the education as my two colleagues have, but then, I have a higher I.Q. then either of them.

  --  Death of a Great Dane [2.08]
%
Dr. Martin King: Look, at the risk of being a bore, would you mind filling me in on a little of the case history, such as why you got me out this morning to render first aid to a dead man?

  --  The Sell-Out [2.09]
%
John Steed: Then there's Fraser. Now he runs a barber shop, and he's the easiest one to keep track of.
Dr. Martin King: Oh, what do you mean?
John Steed: I can't lose sight of him. He's been following me for the past two days.

  --  The Sell-Out [2.09]
%
Monsieur Roland: To a charming person like yourself, I think Paris means couture and perfume. But I like to remember it in the springtime, that was how I saw it for the first time in the 14-18 war.

  --  The Sell-Out [2.09]
%
Mark Harvey: Never talk when your holding a gun on someone, darling. You only end up distracting yourself.

  --  The Sell-Out [2.09]
%
Catherine Gale: You've gone into the real estate business, then?
John Steed: Oh, I just happen to have one going spare...
Catherine Gale: Won't you be using it?
John Steed: [lighting her cigarette] I thought we might both use it...
Catherine Gale: Thank you for the offer, but I prefer to make my own arrangements.
John Steed: Oh, don't misunderstand me, It's just that I need a wife for a couple of weeks.
Catherine Gale: So long?

  --  Death on the Rocks [2.10]
%
Fenton: [after shooting a man who was carrying diamonds] Pick those stones up.

  --  Death on the Rocks [2.10]
%
Samuel Ross: Steed, if you'll take my advice, keep quiet about it. Remember, you have got a wife as well.
John Steed: I haven't forgotten.
Samuel Ross: Neither have they...

  --  Death on the Rocks [2.10]
%
John Steed: [to Cathy] My dear, you're being a great help to your husbands career!

  --  Death on the Rocks [2.10]
%
Jackie Ross: We're engaged.
Samuel Ross: Jackie, if you are engaged, where is the ring?
Jackie Ross: I'm... not wearing it at the moment, it didn't fit very well.
Samuel Ross: He, a jeweler, can't make a ring to fit?

  --  Death on the Rocks [2.10]
%
John Steed: Well, what's the setup?
Catherine Gale: They have a very fine laboratory, they are quite satisfied with my work, and in one week I've discovered absolutely nothing.

  --  Traitor in Zebra [2.11]
%
Captain Nash: If you have a defence, Crane, I hope it's a good one.
Crane: It is, sir. I am not guilty.
Captain Nash: Alright, carry on.

  --  Traitor in Zebra [2.11]
%
Mellors: Here, Mr. Steed, what sort of treatment do you specialize in?
John Steed: The sort that gets results!
[all laugh]

  --  Traitor in Zebra [2.11]
%
John Steed: Can women really do this sort of thing?
Thorne: Oh, yes, under careful supervision.

  --  Traitor in Zebra [2.11]
%
John Steed: You're not frightened of burning your fingers, eh?
Catherine Gale: What woman would be for rubies this size?
John Steed: Hah!

  --  Traitor in Zebra [2.11]
%
Catherine Gale: [to Kearns] Are you always like this or haven't you had breakfast?

  --  The Big Thinker [2.12]
%
Catherine Gale: I'm a widow.
Dr. James Kearns: Oh, I am sorry.
Catherine Gale: My husband was killed some years ago on our farm in Africa.

  --  The Big Thinker [2.12]
%
Dr. Clemens: Now tell me, what is your interest in computers, and Plato in particular?
Catherine Gale: Plato?
Dr. Clemens: Well, that is what we call him.
Catherine Gale: Oh, the computers in this building?
Dr. Clemens: Plato is this building, Mrs. Gale. The whole building.

  --  The Big Thinker [2.12]
%
Dr. Clemens: Have you ever tried to run a secure establishment, Dr. Hurst? It's like fighting a boa constrictor.

  --  The Big Thinker [2.12]
%
Catherine Gale: There's a Dr. Hurst, a bit of a military man. He's in a panic. Wants MI5, the navy, anybody.
John Steed: You, he can have. Not me, I'm off to the Middle-East, tonight.

  --  The Big Thinker [2.12]
%
Catherine Gale: You're staying right out of it?
John Steed: Yeah, you go ahead, Mata Hari, you just, eh, send me a postcard, hm?

  --  The Big Thinker [2.12]
%
Dr. James Kearns: Well, will you play or will you watch?
Catherine Gale: I'll watch.
Dr. James Kearns: Fine, I'm worth watching.

  --  The Big Thinker [2.12]
%
Dr. James Kearns: Right, here we go for the kill.
Catherine Gale: Cocky, aren't you?
Dr. James Kearns: [chuckles] I love you too, just watch.

  --  The Big Thinker [2.12]
%
Dr. James Kearns: [having been knocked to the ground by Cathy] Ah, that was dead stupid of me, wasn't it? If I had known I was dealing with an expert, I'd have clunked you with a spanner!
Catherine Gale: What are you doing here?
Dr. James Kearns: [gets up] Well, I just came to see if old man Clemens had found out anything before they killed him.
Catherine Gale: How'd you get in?
Dr. James Kearns: Ah, well you see, that was dead clever of me: I never left.

  --  The Big Thinker [2.12]
%
John Steed: [to Cathy] Oh, you're almost completely thawed out.

  --  The Big Thinker [2.12]
%
Catherine Gale: By the way, eh where'd you get that lipstick?
John Steed: Heh. It was around.
Catherine Gale: Was she around too?
John Steed: Yeah, very round.

  --  Death Dispatch [2.13]
%
Catherine Gale: [on phone] I feel refreshed, revived and revarnished.
John Steed: [on other line] And respectable?
Catherine Gale: What do you mean by that?
John Steed: I mean, are you decent?

  --  Death Dispatch [2.13]
%
John Steed: [to Cathy, on phone] Stay there till I join you.
Travers: You will not leave this consulate.
John Steed: Oh, shut up.
Catherine Gale: [on other line] What?
John Steed: S- eh, eh, it wasn't you.

  --  Death Dispatch [2.13]
%
John Steed: [picks up phone] Room service, please.
Catherine Gale: Shouldn't I be doing that?
John Steed: You haven't got a deep enough voice.

  --  Death Dispatch [2.13]
%
John Steed: Yeah, that's why I'm being a very careless courier who prefers the company of attractive widows to diplomatic bags.
Catherine Gale: [a bit insulted] Thank you.

  --  Death Dispatch [2.13]
%
John Steed: It must have been done by mirrors!
Catherine Gale: Not the one you were watching, apparently.

  --  Death Dispatch [2.13]
%
Miguel Rosas: My family have been involved in several revolutions, without sustaining any loss. Quite the reverse, in fact.

  --  Death Dispatch [2.13]
%
Monroe: I think you're lying. Now, I, I'm going to get the truth out of you even if I have to hurt you in the process.
Catherine Gale: [posing as a maid and feigning innocence] Si, Senor.

  --  Death Dispatch [2.13]
%
John Steed: So now we know who...
Catherine Gale: And what. Senor Rosas wanted the schedule of the Washington envoy's visit.
John Steed: But we still don't know why.

  --  Death Dispatch [2.13]
%
Travers: Eh, Stead, isn't it?
John Steed: Steed. S, T, double E, D.
Travers: Oh, not the Steed who used to play for Worcester?
John Steed: No, I'm afraid not.
Travers: No, I didn't think it could be.

  --  Death Dispatch [2.13]
%
John Steed: [Steed phones Cathy while she is half-dressed] Are you decent?
Catherine Gale: I shall be by the time you get here
John Steed: [Steed quickly says with excitement] I'm on my way now!

  --  Death Dispatch [2.13]
%
Dr. Martin King: [on phone] Did you know that we've just found another victim?
John Steed: [on other line] Hm?
Dr. Martin King: The air hostess, and she's still alive.
John Steed: Has she said anything?
Dr. Martin King: No, she's still unconcious, she may not come round for several hours...
John Steed: [interrupting] Well, I'm counting on you to keep her alive.
Dr. Martin King: Oh, thanks for reminding me.

  --  Dead on Course [2.14]
%
[Steed describes Dr. King to a nun]
John Steed: Dr. King, where can I find him? Oh, eh, he's sort of medium height... a man.

  --  Dead on Course [2.14]
%
John Steed: How do you do, any luck?
Hughes: Luck doesn't come in to my calculations, Mr. Steed.

  --  Dead on Course [2.14]
%
John Steed: Isn't that unusual?
Hughes: Every crash is unusual. That's why we have to hold an inquiry.

  --  Dead on Course [2.14]
%
Vincent O'Brien: I think we can squeeze another drop out of this one, sir.
[refills Steed's glass]
John Steed: Ah, you're a bad boy. Eh, eh!
John Steed: Heh heh. I suppose I am. But you know, he only pays me four pound a week. Four pound! And I'm working every hour that God ever made.

  --  Dead on Course [2.14]
%
John Steed: What fellow?
Vincent O'Brien: Oh, well, now sir, I promised Michael Joyce on my mother's grave I-I'd not say a word about this.
John Steed: On your mother's grave?
Vincent O'Brien: Yes!
John Steed: How much will it take to break a promise?
[holds up a paper bill]
Vincent O'Brien: Oh, well, now, sir... seeing as, as how me mother isn't actually dead yet...

  --  Dead on Course [2.14]
%
John Steed: His name's Palmer, he's an up and coming safe-cracker. He's been shot in the head.
Catherine Gale: Then shouldn't he be in hospital?
John Steed: Yeah, but for the moment, my flat will have to do.

  --  Intercrime [2.15]
%
John Steed: Well, how's it going?
Catherine Gale: Not very well. She's not exactly talkative.
John Steed: Yeah, that's why she's a far more valuable catch than we realized. She's not liable to talk easy.
Catherine Gale: Does that mean you want me to go on pumping her?

  --  Intercrime [2.15]
%
Pamela Johnson: I have a good mind to report you to the police.
John Steed: Oh, why?
Pamela Johnson: For spreading malicious and irresponsible rumours.
John Steed: Quite right, but don't be too hasty. Remember, if I'm right, you're wrong...
Pamela Johnson: Yes, I know. I'm going to be killed.

  --  Intercrime [2.15]
%
John Steed: Good evening, Miss Johnson, not dead yet?

  --  Intercrime [2.15]
%
Allen Marling: I'll sell to anyone who'll buy. Politics doesn't come into this. I make cups and saucers, not H-bombs.

  --  Immortal Clay [2.16]
%
John Steed: It'll be great not to break a cup every time I wash up, but I don't see what that's got to do with security.

  --  Immortal Clay [2.16]
%
John Steed: All that fuss over a little piece of mud.
Catherine Gale: Would you say that was the official view of the Ceramics Research Council?
John Steed: Undoubtedly!

  --  Immortal Clay [2.16]
%
Mara Little: There are no secrets in a pottery, Mr. Allen.

  --  Immortal Clay [2.16]
%
John Steed: It's bad to feel sorry for people in our business. It slows you up.
Catherine Gale: I'm not in your business. Might as well remember that.

  --  Immortal Clay [2.16]
%
De Groot: So, I am to be the Fairy Godfather, huh? All right, Cinderella, 50.000 pounds.

  --  Immortal Clay [2.16]
%
Catherine Gale: If you need warming, you should come down to the pottery. In a couple of the big ones I went into, the heat was unbearable!
John Steed: One Ten will be unbearable if I don't find this tile.

  --  Immortal Clay [2.16]
%
John Steed: Would you like a cigarette?
Henriette: No thank you, that's not one of my weaknesses.
John Steed: You must tell me what are, sometime.
Henriette: [chuckles] Well, it's rather funny you should say that, because actually I have just a load...
John Steed: [cuts her off before she rambles on] You've been here long?

  --  Box of Tricks [2.17]
%
John Steed: [posing as Thackeray] Time means nothing to me, if I start accounting the hours, I should become morbid.

  --  Box of Tricks [2.17]
%
John Steed: [posing as Thackeray] I see, then this is the best treatment for me. It doesn't involve exercise or diet or anything nausiating like that.

  --  Box of Tricks [2.17]
%
Venus Smith: [after wrapping up the case] Heck, I'd forgotten all about Gerry!
John Steed: But I didn't. The police picked him up.
Venus Smith: Oh, that's good.

  --  Box of Tricks [2.17]
%
[Steed and Cathy are attacked by cult members]
John Steed: Do you come here often?
Catherine Gale: It's my first visit. I don't think I'll be asked again.

  --  Warlock [2.18]
%
John Steed: [Mrs. Gale is holding up a skull] I know the face - forget the name. Ah, yes, poor Yorick. I knew him well, you know. A fellow of *infinite* jest.
Catherine Gale: That's more than can be said for you.

  --  Warlock [2.18]
%
[handing a feather to Cathy]
John Steed: I belive this is what they call a 'hex' symbol.

  --  Warlock [2.18]
%
Pathologist: Hello, you must be Steed.
John Steed: That's right.
Pathologist: I'm supposed to answer your questions. Noboby's bothered to tell me why, naturally.
John Steed: Naturally.

  --  Warlock [2.18]
%
One Ten: Myrtle?
Barmaid: Well, yes, sir?
One Ten: [hands her his tankard of beer] Is this the bottom of the barrel?

  --  Warlock [2.18]
%
Catherine Gale: [about to have a drink with Steed] Here's to palmistry.

  --  Warlock [2.18]
%
Catherine Gale: Now what are you doing?
John Steed: [Steed is cutting out two cowboy figures from back of a cornflakes box] I often wondered if people really did cut these things out, harder than you might think, you know.
Catherine Gale: They really do, but they usually wait until the packet is empty, first.
John Steed: Ah well, these are for a friend of mine's kids! They got one of those cork pop-gun things, you know. Oh I got a present for you, you can take in the bath with you.
[Steed hands Cathy a little plastic toy]
John Steed: . They're tired of shooting at cut-out lions and tigers, they want to shoot at cut-out people! Boom! Boom!

  --  The Golden Eggs [2.19]
%
Catherine Gale: Teeth?
John Steed: Teeth? Oh. No, that's an old fallacy. Find a body, they say, doesn't matter what condition it's in, take it along to the dentist, and he'll identify it by it's teeth. Well, it's not so!
Catherine Gale: Do sit down! As long as you're standing up, I'm terrified you're gonna shake this table.
[Mrs. Gale is gluing a broken vase back together]
John Steed: In the first place teeth are not all that indestructible. In the second place, not everyone has got them. And in the third, most dentists wouldn't recognize their own teeth if you handed them to them on a *plate*. On a *plate*. Ha!

  --  The Golden Eggs [2.19]
%
Catherine Gale: Now what?
John Steed: I think you should get back to Doctor Ashe. Under that pre-Raphaelite exterior, I think he's very impressed with you...

  --  The Golden Eggs [2.19]
%
Diana DeLeon: [Cathy is ringing the doorbell] Why not just barge in, it won't even shut!
[Cathy enters]
Diana DeLeon: Well, who are you?
Catherine Gale: My name's Catherine Gale, I want to talk to you.
Diana DeLeon: I'm not stopping you.

  --  The Golden Eggs [2.19]
%
Catherine Gale: I suppose you always knew what you were doing: biological warfare.
Dr. Ashe: All warfare is biological.
Catherine Gale: Very profound.

  --  The Golden Eggs [2.19]
%
Julius Redfern: Hillier, do you know what's so fascinating about clockwork? It's predictable. It works, you wind it up, turn it on, and it gives results. If it doesn't, it's no more use.
[a beat]
Julius Redfern: Hillier, try not to make any more mistakes...

  --  The Golden Eggs [2.19]
%
Julius Redfern: Mrs. Gale?
Catherine Gale: Yes, who are you?
Julius Redfern: Julius Redfern. I deal in all sorts of unusual and expensive items, one of which I can see that you've taken from me.

  --  The Golden Eggs [2.19]
%
Catherine Gale: Are you in the market for a handful of death?

  --  The Golden Eggs [2.19]
%
John Steed: Do we know who was blackmailing him?
One-Seven: If we knew that, Steed, there'd be no need for either of us to be here.

  --  School for Traitors [2.20]
%
[upon learning that Steed's cover will be as a biographer of Dr. Johnson]
One-Seven: You know, Steed, your cover usually has a large element of wishful thinking.

  --  School for Traitors [2.20]
%
Ted East: Venus, now there's a name to be proud of. Evocative! Sensual! The best my parents could dream up for me was 'Ted'.

  --  School for Traitors [2.20]
%
Jack Roberts: Well, what about that picture you sold the other week to that American chap, what's his name? Finch or Pinch or something.
Claire Summers: Lynch. Peter Lynch.

  --  School for Traitors [2.20]
%
John Steed: Was he a friend of yours?
Ted East: It's Green. He was gonna be sent down.
John Steed: He's been sent down all right, he's dead.

  --  School for Traitors [2.20]
%
Higby: I don't know, why is it that beer always tastes so much better after closing time?

  --  School for Traitors [2.20]
%
Catherine Gale: There's a theory, you know, that our own solar system started this way. First they were twin binary stars. Then one of them exploded and some of the debris became the planets.
John Steed: That's Professor Richter's theory, isn't it?
Catherine Gale: [angered] If you've already read up on this, you're wasting my time, aren't you?
John Steed: Keep your shirt on! All I know about this theory is, that he said that the white dwarf would re-enter our solar system one day.
Catherine Gale: He still maintains that theory as far as I know.
John Steed: He doesn't maintain anything anymore, he was murdered last night.

  --  The White Dwarf [2.21]
%
John Steed: Do you know what a white dwarf is? It's some kind of astronomical body.
Catherine Gale: The core of a supernova.
John Steed: Ehm, what does, what does that mean then?
Catherine Gale: Well, stars explode sometimes.
John Steed: Ah, when you say star you don't mean a planet?
Catherine Gale: No no, no. The word star gets used very loosely. Stars are realy like our Sun, burning masses of gas, every now and then one of them explodes.
John Steed: Every now and then? Meaning every few million years, eh?
Catherine Gale: Well, not necessarily. There was one quite recently in, ah, 1054.
John Steed: Bang up-to-date!

  --  The White Dwarf [2.21]
%
Catherine Gale: [after discussing the possibility of the end of the Earth] And what will you be doing while I'm away?
John Steed: What do you think, having myself a good time, while there's still time to have it.

  --  The White Dwarf [2.21]
%
Maxwell Barker: If we are going to be dragged into the sun, it'll be summer all the way, for all of us. Until we melt...

  --  The White Dwarf [2.21]
%
Catherine Gale: After all, what would you do if someone came bursting in here and accused your brother of perpetrating a swindle?
John Steed: I should be very surprised, I haven't got a brother.

  --  The White Dwarf [2.21]
%
Henry Barker: I suppose we could dispose of him, It's rather out of my line of country, really, but we've got to do something!

  --  The White Dwarf [2.21]
%
One Six: Eh, Steed...
[Steed approaches]
One Six: ... you look a bit under the weather. Are you all right?
John Steed: Perfectly.
One Six: Then why are you late?
John Steed: I had trouble with the weather.

  --  Man in the Mirror [2.22]
%
One Six: There are no lone wolves on my team, Steed.
[exits]
John Steed: Just old foxes...

  --  Man in the Mirror [2.22]
%
Venus Smith: Hey, you're that man in the photograph... but you're dead!

  --  Man in the Mirror [2.22]
%
Venus Smith: [to Steed] All right, I believe you, thousands wouldn't.

  --  Man in the Mirror [2.22]
%
Venus Smith: And before I could say Jack Robinson, I found myself locked up in here! Steed and his bloomin' photographs.

  --  Man in the Mirror [2.22]
%
Catherine Gale: [crosses arms] Did you get all the stuff I did sent you?
John Steed: I did. Thank you.
Catherine Gale: I was worried about Terry. He had a tattoo a couple days before he joined the circus, so he's probably a phony. Tattoos are like a passport around here.
John Steed: How come you know so much about tattoos?
Catherine Gale: I took it at school instead of needlework.

  --  Conspiracy of Silence [2.23]
%
John Steed: [losing his temper] May I remind you, Mrs. Gale, we are dealing with the maffia and not the boyscouts!
Catherine Gale: You offer him a satisfactory alternative to the maffia, and he'll help you.
John Steed: [scoffs] You're an idealist.
Catherine Gale: And you're a cynic.

  --  Conspiracy of Silence [2.23]
%
Sica: I'd like to see your husband.
Rickie Bennett: Hm. So would I!
Sica: Carlo is not here?
Rickie Bennett: No. He went to London last week. He must have missed his connection back.
Sica: May I sit down?
Rickie Bennett: Oh yes, by all means, but don't expect him to walk in. I've been doing that for three days...

  --  Conspiracy of Silence [2.23]
%
Rickie Bennett: Look, you've got no right to push me around!
Gutman: Don't talk to me about right. I own this trailer and everything in it. No, the bird cages are yours. You drink out of my cups, you eat of my plates, remember that! And if Carlo doesn't get back here before Saturday, you'll be in the street, understand?

  --  Conspiracy of Silence [2.23]
%
Catherine Gale: Why are you so interested in photo's and so reluctant to pose for them?

  --  Conspiracy of Silence [2.23]
%
Aristos: You know, I'm what you might call a real bastard. Hm.
Venus Smith: Eh?
Aristos: Aye, my mother is Greek, Aristos is a Greek name, and my father is Swedish. Aristos Holmquist, that's me. I got two grandmothers. One is Swedish and the other one is English. No, she's Irish, but that's same thing anyway.
Venus Smith: No it's not, you know.
Aristos: No?
Venus Smith: No, Irish isn't the same as English. You try and tell and Irishman and see.

  --  A Chorus of Frogs [2.24]
%
Venus Smith: Get out, haven't you got a room of your own?
John Steed: Cabin. No, I haven't, I was going to ask your hospitality.
Venus Smith: What? Well where do you think you're going to stay, under the bed?
John Steed: Bunk.
Venus Smith: Bed. I don't care if we are on a boat.
John Steed: Ship.

  --  A Chorus of Frogs [2.24]
%
John Steed: I'll be out all night.
Venus Smith: [not wanting him to sleep in her cabin] Too right you will!

  --  A Chorus of Frogs [2.24]
%
Anna Lee: And what about his friends?
Mason: Friends?
Anna Lee: Oh really, for a rich man you seem to have forgotten how to observe people. You really didn't know he had friends? Hm, well I've got news for you, Pelago, I think they're trying to kill you.

  --  A Chorus of Frogs [2.24]
%
John Steed: [to Helena] Always when I meet you, you have that little gun. Do you sleep with it under your pillow?
Aristos: She was born with it in her hand!

  --  A Chorus of Frogs [2.24]
%
Catherine Gale: [Steed enters Mrs. Gale's bedroom through the window] What are you doing here? Go out and come through the front door like a civilized human being.
John Steed: I don't fancy navigating that wall again, it's very steep. Well, he has set you up nicely, hasn't he?
Catherine Gale: Say what you have to say, Steed, and then leave.
John Steed: That accident last night wasn't an accident. Which makes me wonder whe...
Catherine Gale: [interrupting] Shh! You've got a voice like a saw!
John Steed: [Mrs. Gale slips into the bathroom while Steed continues to talk] Makes me won - Like a *saw*? Look, it makes me wonder wether they were after you, or Brian whats-his-name. Perhaps they were using, hah, one stone to kill two birds. One block and tackle. That's interesting. Still in there love?

  --  Six Hands Across a Table [2.25]
%
Catherine Gale: Well, he had nothing to do with it.
John Steed: Heh. Oliver? Why not?
Catherine Gale: Because he was with me when it happened.
John Steed: Oh, he must have had his hands full.

  --  Six Hands Across a Table [2.25]
%
Oliver Waldner: Why don't you stay on?
Catherine Gale: I could hardly do that.
Oliver Waldner: Why not? I always do what I want, I always have.

  --  Six Hands Across a Table [2.25]
%
Julian Seabrook: There's one more thing...
Oliver Waldner: Oh, you've got a hide like a rhinoceros.
Julian Seabrook: My increment.
Oliver Waldner: You're what? Oh, you're rise...
Julian Seabrook: It's long overdue. You seem to be the only one holding it up, why?
Oliver Waldner: You'll be after my job, next.
Julian Seabrook: Everything in it's own good time.

  --  Six Hands Across a Table [2.25]
%
Sir Charles Reniston: [about Julian] That man gives me the creeps!
Oliver Waldner: Haha, that's what I like about him: he gives you the creeps.

  --  Six Hands Across a Table [2.25]
%
Catherine Gale: [to Steed] I tried to search the study last night, but due to your noisy exit, people were out with guns.

  --  Six Hands Across a Table [2.25]
%
John Steed: [pouring a glass] I've been reading up on whales...
Catherine Gale: Oh, are you going on holiday dai bach?
John Steed: Not that Wales. Whales, Moby Dick.
[hands her a drink]
Catherine Gale: Cheers, Captain Abraham.

  --  Killer Whale [2.26]
%
Pancho: Pancho, everybody calls me that.
John Steed: After his favourite expression, 'punch-up'.

  --  Killer Whale [2.26]
%
John Steed: [taking a close-up look at a fashion model's bosom] That's a beautiful texture...

  --  Killer Whale [2.26]
%
Catherine Gale: Imagine that, 32.000 pounds for something you picked up off a beach.
John Steed: Hm. I've never picked up anything off a beach that valuable.

  --  Killer Whale [2.26]
%
Fernand: I have got to talk to you.
Pancho: I don't want to listen!

  --  Killer Whale [2.26]
%
Jasper Lakin: Now Mr. Steed, you can tell us the real reason.
John Steed: Your pen.
[hands Jasper back his pen]
Jasper Lakin: Oh! Thank you.
John Steed: I want to commit a murder.
Miles Lakin: One lump or two Mr. Steed?
John Steed: Two, please.
Miles Lakin: Allow me.
[pours a cup of tea and hands it to Steed]
John Steed: Thank you!

  --  Brief for Murder [3.01]
%
Miles Lakin: Do sit down Mr. Steed, you'll ah, take some tea of course.
John Steed: That's very kind of you.
Miles Lakin: I hope the little business of the search didn't inconvenience you too much, tape recorders you know, they make them devilishly small now these days, heh, heh, make everything smaller!
John Steed: Except lawyers fees, maybe?
Miles Lakin: Oh! Ho ho. Very good.

  --  Brief for Murder [3.01]
%
Jasper Lakin: Judge Hardesty spoke to me during recess.
Miles Lakin: Judge Hardesty? Ju- "Old Stinker" Hardesty?
Jasper Lakin: Thomas H.
Miles Lakin: Yes, that's him, Old Stinker.

  --  Brief for Murder [3.01]
%
John Steed: [There has just been an attempt to shoot Cathy] Must be something in your psychic makeup, the way you antagonize complete strangers.
Miss Elizabeth Prinn: Well, why are you standing there, why don't you go after him?
John Steed: It's my basic cowardice. Anyway, I thought he had very good intentions. But not very good aim, eh?
Miss Elizabeth Prinn: Oh no, not any self respect...
Catherine Gale: Respect of any description doesn't come into Mr. Steed's dictionary.

  --  Brief for Murder [3.01]
%
John Steed: This is a rare treat! Bumblebees jellied, made in Japan!
Catherine Gale: Splendid.
John Steed: If there's one place they know how to jelly a bumblebee, it's good ol' Nippon!

  --  The Undertakers [3.02]
%
John Steed: Where are my jellied bumblebees?
Catherine Gale: I ate them.
John Steed: You did?
Catherine Gale: Well that's what you gave me them for wasn't it?
John Steed: How could you?
Catherine Gale: They were delicious. I thought they were supposed to be one of your favorites.
John Steed: Certainly not! Huh! You never know with the Orient, they might have, ah, jellied the sting.

  --  The Undertakers [3.02]
%
John Steed: [about to leave on a trip to New York] Send you a postcard?
Catherine Gale: Put a stamp on it, this time!

  --  The Undertakers [3.02]
%
Mrs. Lomax: [speaking to her husband on the phone] You won't like prison, no one ever does.

  --  The Undertakers [3.02]
%
John Steed: Now the inventor's royalties alone could amount to, wow, a million pounds!
Mrs. Renter: But I already have a million.
John Steed: I'm sure another one wouldn't be in the way, huh?
Mrs. Renter: Well, I'm not so sure. What with death duties, being rich hardly seems worthwhile.

  --  The Undertakers [3.02]
%
Daphne Madden: [handing Steed a brandy] I think you'll like this one. It's a five star Napoleon.
John Steed: Huh, I'm quite sure I shall. Thank you, cheers.
[takes a sip]
Daphne Madden: Are you a burglar?
John Steed: Eh, well not exactly professionally, you know, Mrs. Renton and I were going through some papers.

  --  The Undertakers [3.02]
%
John Steed: Was it an accident?
Dr. Terence: No. Car hit him alright, but it wasn't hit and run.
John Steed: Why not?
Dr. Terence: It hit him about twelve times.
John Steed: This may sound a st- foolish question: was that what killed him?
Dr. Terence: I don't think so. I think the car hit him after he was dead.

  --  Man with Two Shadows [3.03]
%
John Steed: Well, how is Mrs. Whiz Bang Wallop this fine Trojan morning, eh? What's for breakfast?
Catherine Gale: Cook it and see!

  --  Man with Two Shadows [3.03]
%
John Steed: How does Gordon strike you?
Catherine Gale: With a dull thud.

  --  Man with Two Shadows [3.03]
%
John Steed: What's happened?
Laura: Something we thought never could. Disco is waiting to give you the details himself.
John Steed: Disco, what's he doing here?
Catherine Gale: Who's Disco?
Laura: Director of Intelligence, Security and Combined Operations.
John Steed: The man we never meet...

  --  The Nutshell [3.04]
%
Disco: Early this morning, someone got in here without authority, used the correct sequence pattern on these, and copied Big Ben.
Catherine Gale: What is it?
Disco: The name means: Bilateral Infiltration, Great Britain, Europe and North America. It is a document which lists all known double agents on both sides in the cold war. In hostile hands, it can deal a death blow to every allied agent operating on the wrong side of the iron curtain. Needless to say, if we fail to get it back, we face a large scale national disaster. And that's only half the problem. The other half is worse.

  --  The Nutshell [3.04]
%
Catherine Gale: [taking an elevator down inside a top secret building] What's at the bottom of here?
John Steed: Nutshell: Thermonuclear Underground Target Zone Shelter. The siege of government for World War Three.
Catherine Gale: This is where everyone hides when the push comes?
John Steed: No, not everyone, I'm afraid, only the top people. The deeper you go, the safer it gets. The bottom floor's reserved for the best people, the civil servants get off at the, heh, 43rd floor.

  --  The Nutshell [3.04]
%
Mike Venner: How urgent is this?
Catherine Gale: It's not, its emergency.

  --  The Nutshell [3.04]
%
Catherine Gale: [Steed has been imprisoned and is denied food] How are you, Steed?
John Steed: I'm losing weight.

  --  The Nutshell [3.04]
%
Lady Cynthia: I have jobs like other people have colds.
Lord Teale: You should settle down.
Lady Cynthia: Settle nothing! How do you know what it's about if you haven't tried it?
Lord Teale: Well, you don't have to swallow the ocean to describe the taste of salt water.
Lady Cynthia: Smart! Where did it come from?
Lord Teale: Off a match box.

  --  Death of a Batman [3.05]
%
John Steed: [Steed and Mrs. Gale are searching through magazines] Hold everything!
Catherine Gale: Where?
John Steed: There she is, bless her decolletage. Hoo!
Catherine Gale: [reading] Lady Cynthia Bellamy sits this one out with Major Foster MFH, the Honorable Jeremy Barnes Mayfair Party.
John Steed: Oh... Good for Jeremy. What?
Catherine Gale: Good for the Major!
John Steed: [chuckles] Yes. Hey where has he got his hand? Oh. Officer and a gentleman.

  --  Death of a Batman [3.05]
%
John Steed: [Steed returns home to find Cathy there] Hey, you still here? It stopped raining, you know.
Catherine Gale: It's not five hours, yet.
John Steed: Five hours?
Catherine Gale: They shampooed all the carpets in my flat and I can't walk on them for five hours.
John Steed: Oh dear, dear me.

  --  Death of a Batman [3.05]
%
John Steed: Do you fancy a dehydrated cucumber sandwich?
Catherine Gale: No.
John Steed: Oh, never mind, there's bound to be bloater.

  --  Death of a Batman [3.05]
%
Lady Cynthia: How did you do it?
John Steed: Do what?
Lady Cynthia: You don't look all that muscular, you must be very deceptive!
John Steed: I am. Now, what have I done?

  --  Death of a Batman [3.05]
%
Catherine Gale: [Steed has several ideas for Cathy's campaign speeches] Couldn't I write my own cliches?

  --  November Five [3.06]
%
John Steed: [trying out St. John's typewriter] Blunt F, squint I, H above the line...
Catherine Gale: What's that?
John Steed: A very good description of my Auntie Queenie.

  --  November Five [3.06]
%
Michael Osborne Dyter: Dead men cast no shadows.

  --  November Five [3.06]
%
Major Gavin Swinburne: I'm afraid I can hardly discuss that with a stranger.
John Steed: But you are my M.P., major, so demographically speaking, I'm entitled to your political opinion.

  --  November Five [3.06]
%
Catherine Gale: Did you make this mess?
John Steed: No, it was like this when I arrived.

  --  November Five [3.06]
%
John Steed: How much the bars weigh?
Catherine Gale: Oh Steed, no ones ever going to ask me that!
John Steed: You know what they'll ask?
Catherine Gale: Four hundred troy ounces, and they measure six and three a quarter inches by three and a half by one and three quarter inches.
John Steed: Value?
Catherine Gale: 5000 pounds. And at Fort Knox there are eight hundred thousand of them weighing eight thousand eight hundred tons. Satisfied?
John Steed: Yes.
Catherine Gale: You're becoming a proper slave driver!
John Steed: I got my whip upon on the kitchen table!

  --  The Gilded Cage [3.07]
%
Fleming: The bowler? Custom made, Hemmings and Pauls, St James. Beautifully blocked, not a penny under 10 guineas. The umbrella, Bolton and Sons, '63 model, slightly weighted handle, perfect balance, just right for a man of his height. And the suit? It's a dream. Cut by an artist. Possibly Drift Brothers., definitely Saville Row. 65 guineas 75.
J.P. Spagge: Is he carrying a gun?
Fleming: A gun? Heh. In a suit like that, Sir, he couldn't have carried another fountain pen.

  --  The Gilded Cage [3.07]
%
J.P. Spagge: [to Steed] Sit down, Mr. Speed.

  --  The Gilded Cage [3.07]
%
John Steed: [Steed grabs Fleming by the lapels and pulls him out of Spragge's wheelchair] You'll be in that chair permanently if you don't answer my questions.

  --  The Gilded Cage [3.07]
%
John Steed: I'm representing her Majesty's government in the affair.
Catherine Gale: Does the government know?
John Steed: In places, yes.

  --  Second Sight [3.08]
%
Catherine Gale: What does Halvarssen have to say about it?
John Steed: I don't know, I haven't seen him. I have talked to all sorts of people but not him.
Catherine Gale: Why on earth not?
John Steed: Well, when you're rich, you know, one learns how not to be talked to.

  --  Second Sight [3.08]
%
John Steed: [about Anstice] He was always in need of money, now he needs money more than usual.

  --  Second Sight [3.08]
%
Eve Hawn: Mrs. Gale, I told you not to come back to this house again.
Catherine Gale: I'm not very good at taking advice.
Eve Hawn: That's something you may regret.

  --  Second Sight [3.08]
%
John Steed: I hate getting up in a hurry.
Catherine Gale: You hate getting up, period!

  --  The Medicine Men [3.09]
%
Geoffrey Willis: See, my father, when he drops in, concerns himself solely with our shareholders. And with our typist, and not necessarily even in that order of priority.

  --  The Medicine Men [3.09]
%
Fay: But some of the people who die might be children!
Frank Leeson: Don't you worry. In a dump like that, they're only going to be hungry all their lives, anyway.

  --  The Medicine Men [3.09]
%
Frank Leeson: [to Taylor] Would you like a drink?
Miss Dowell: No, he does not want a drink and neither do you.
[takes the glass from his hand]
Frank Leeson: Oh, all right, we'll all be miserable together.

  --  The Medicine Men [3.09]
%
John Steed: A woman died there last night, and her name was Tu Hsiu Yung. Hm. In common pounds, that's known as 'Beautiful Evergreen of the House of Tu'.

  --  The Medicine Men [3.09]
%
Octavia: Are you squeamish, Marcus?
Marcus: It's a terrific idea! I salute you, Excellency! The world will be ours!
Bruno: Not ours, Marcus. Mine!

  --  The Grandeur That Was Rome [3.10]
%
John Steed: What *are* they doing?
Bruno: See? Ah, eh, this is, eh, from Pompeii, of course. It, it depicts an incident in one of their bacchanalia.
John Steed: Oh those bacchanalia, such outrageous orgies!
Bruno: They certainly knew how to relax.

  --  The Grandeur That Was Rome [3.10]
%
Bruno: [Marcus offers Bruno a cigarette] Thank you, Marcus, no. You know my feelings on that subject. Did the Romans defile themselves with tobacco?
Marcus: I am sorry, Excellency, the, eh, chains of habit.

  --  The Grandeur That Was Rome [3.10]
%
Catherine Gale: By the way, Steed, we've had a report from the Ministry of Agriculture that some regents are running out of earthworms.
John Steed: Aw, pity. I was planning a fishing holiday this year.

  --  The Grandeur That Was Rome [3.10]
%
Marcus: Hail Caesar!
Bruno: No, thank you, Marcus, were leaving the, all salutations until after my coronation.

  --  The Grandeur That Was Rome [3.10]
%
Catherine Gale: I've learned from experience that whenever you wine and dine me as well as this, it's always been the prelude to some hideous adventure.
John Steed: [chuckles] Well, you know what they say, when it's inevitable, sit back and enjoy it.

  --  The Golden Fleece [3.11]
%
Catherine Gale: You can't just tell me in plain, straight forward language that you're after a gold smuggler. We have to go through this ridiculous rigmarole of candlelight and wine and old Chinese proverbs. Well, here's another old Chinese proverb: he who does not tell truth, gets cushion in eye!
[throws a cushion at Steed]

  --  The Golden Fleece [3.11]
%
Corporal James Jones: Well, well, old Shinyboots Jason!
Captain George Jason: Hm. Captain Jason, if you please.
Corporal James Jones: Suit yourself.

  --  The Golden Fleece [3.11]
%
Major Bob Ruse: I wanted to teach history. No degree, no diploma of education.
Sgt. Major Wright: [sighs] I wanted to go to grammar school.

  --  The Golden Fleece [3.11]
%
Ola Monsey-Chamberlain: Do you like the old homestead?
John Steed: Yes, it's very impressive.
Ola Monsey-Chamberlain: It's full of death things. Oh, nasty. Do you play tennis?
John Steed: Yes.
Ola Monsey-Chamberlain: I hate tennis. You're not a dentist are you?

  --  Don't Look Behind You [3.12]
%
Ola Monsey-Chamberlain: Oh, did I show you my teeth?
John Steed: Hm, I've seen quite a lot of them.

  --  Don't Look Behind You [3.12]
%
Young Man: Now the girl I went out with tonight, she had class. Just trappings, I'll give you that, but a lovely set of trappings, for all that.
[to Cathy]
Young Man: Not as good as you, though.

  --  Don't Look Behind You [3.12]
%
Catherine Gale: Look, it's late, I'm tired and you're going.
[leads him to the front your]
John Steed: Well then, how would you like me to tuck you in?
Catherine Gale: How would you like me to break your arm?
John Steed: Oh no, not much, no, that doesn't appeal.

  --  Don't Look Behind You [3.12]
%
[last lines]
John Steed: My goodness me. Do you think I frightened him?

  --  Don't Look Behind You [3.12]
%
Emir Abdulla Akaba: Ah, London... it is the most reassuring of cities.
Catherine Gale: Yes, there are many places I like to visit, but I don't think I'd like to live anywhere else but here.
Emir Abdulla Akaba: We are sure, Mrs. Gale, that everyone feels so about his own country.

  --  Death a La Carte [3.13]
%
Umberto Equi: [meaning to insult] Instant cake mixer!
Lucien Chaplet: What you say, you nineteenth century spaghetti maker, huh?
Arbuthnot: Dignity, gentlemen, dignity. Let us remember where we are.

  --  Death a La Carte [3.13]
%
John Steed: [posing as Chef de Viande Sebastian Stone-Martin] A vintage burgundy, the company of a beautiful woman and a Boeuf Bourguignon, that's my recipe for a perfect evening.

  --  Death a La Carte [3.13]
%
Emir Abdulla Akaba: Such vigilance is unfortunately necessary. We live under the constant threat of assassination.
Dr. Sir Ralph Spender: Well, your politics is no concern of mine.
Emir Abdulla Akaba: No. Only my health.

  --  Death a La Carte [3.13]
%
Lucien Chaplet: [glancing at the food Umberto is preparing] That is truly disgusting. What is it, for the cat?
Umberto Equi: It's for Cannelloni! Food for the Gods! And for men, not decadent egg white whippers like yourself.
Lucien Chaplet: That an elephant could make. This...
[indicating his own dish]
Lucien Chaplet: ... requires genius.
Umberto Equi: This is for creampuffs like Arbuthnot.
[does an impression]
Umberto Equi: Oh, it's lovely, Mr. Ar- Mr. Lucien, it's beautiful. Aah!

  --  Death a La Carte [3.13]
%
Catherine Gale: [after Steed's failed seduction of Jane] So much for the homme fatale.

  --  Dressed to Kill [3.14]
%
John Steed: I did know somebody who tried shooting a pair of handcuffs off.
Catherine Gale: What happened?
John Steed: Well, nowadays he's laughingly known as 'Lefty'.

  --  Dressed to Kill [3.14]
%
John Steed: [cleaning up his apartment after a Christmas party] I hear you missed a very good party, you know.
Catherine Gale: What, weren't you here?
John Steed: No, I had to leave in the middle of it, unfortunately.
Catherine Gale: But leave your guests?
John Steed: 'Fraid so.
Catherine Gale: Must've been something pretty important.
John Steed: It was. The Third World War broke out.

  --  Dressed to Kill [3.14]
%
Catherine Gale: [Steed pulls out a gun after being handcuffed to Cathy] Is that real?
John Steed: Of course.
Catherine Gale: Well why didn't you use it?
John Steed: Well I didn't know about our friend the policeman. Heh. He might have meant well. We can't go popping off innocent people.

  --  Dressed to Kill [3.14]
%
John Steed: I think we all ought to wait here for the Sheriff, he'll come back with a posse, or a taxi, or something or other.

  --  Dressed to Kill [3.14]
%
John Steed: [about Jane] She's fascinated by me. It's my winning smile.
Catherine Gale: You took a smile course?
John Steed: That's a natural attribute.

  --  Dressed to Kill [3.14]
%
Noah Marshall: I, eh, take it that you were a hunter, Mrs. Gale?
Catherine Gale: Yes, for a while in Kenya. My husband farmed there. When he died, I supported myself taking safaris.

  --  The White Elephant [3.15]
%
Catherine Gale: [to Steed] You're sudden concern for our four-footed friends is touching, but not very convincing.

  --  The White Elephant [3.15]
%
John Steed: I'm going after an albino... the white elephant!
Fitch: Oh, really, how very interesting. I understand they're rather rare. Where would you be going? India? Burma?
John Steed: I thought I might try the Home Counties.

  --  The White Elephant [3.15]
%
George: [staring sadly at an empty elephant cage] It's not the same place, without Snowy...
Catherine Gale: You were her keeper?
George: Her loser's more like it, Mrs. Gale.

  --  The White Elephant [3.15]
%
John Steed: What a dirty cassock!
[Steed unwraps cassock and discovers a doll]
John Steed: A doll!
Catherine Gale: Hey, may I see?
[takes doll]
Catherine Gale: It's a Simon and Halbig.
John Steed: Eh?
Catherine Gale: Simon and Halbig. They're the makers. It's a German doll about... hm, 1890 I'd say.
John Steed: You're very knowledgeable you know, Mrs. Gale.
Catherine Gale: I used to collect them. Head's a bit loose though, needs re-stringing.
John Steed: Oh, poor girl.
[taps the dolls head]
Catherine Gale: It's a tricky job, not many people can do it these days.
John Steed: I wonder what the Reverend Hardbottle was doing with a doll?
Catherine Gale: Temporal comfort.
John Steed: Hm. No, he's got his hot waterbottle for that.

  --  The Little Wonders [3.16]
%
Bishop of Winnipeg: Ah, well, I know about the Dean. He was delayed in Sydney two days ago, for a funeral.
Sister Johnson: A funeral?
Bishop of Winnipeg: Unfortunately, it was his own.

  --  The Little Wonders [3.16]
%
John Steed: To my close friends, I'm known as "Johnny, the Horse"
Harry, aka Archdeacon of Bangkok: Get away.

  --  The Little Wonders [3.16]
%
Catherine Gale: How did you know where to find me?
Fingers, aka The Frog, Vicar of Tawomba: Followed you home from school last night.
Catherine Gale: You didn't carry my books for me.
Fingers, aka The Frog, Vicar of Tawomba: Heh, heh, heh.

  --  The Little Wonders [3.16]
%
Catherine Gale: You're hardly in a position to complain after the mess your husband made of my flat.
Gerda: I apologize for that, he's rather clumsy at times.

  --  The Little Wonders [3.16]
%
Sister Johnson: I don't like this, Bishop. I didn't trust Steed from the moment he arrived.
Bishop of Winnipeg: But he's been checked. I got a telegram back from Africa an hour ago. He has a record going back to when he was nine years old. In fact, he seems a better man than Harbottle.

  --  The Little Wonders [3.16]
%
Catherine Gale: It's rather unusual to send an operator out on a job that involves him personally, isn't it?
John Steed: You've been reading the Official Handbook again, haven't you?
Catherine Gale: [unperturbed] But it is, isn't it?

  --  The Wringer [3.17]
%
Catherine Gale: [about Hal Anderson] What kind of a man is he?
John Steed: He's reliable. Heh. By the books he shouldn't be; he's a lousy shot, he can't swim... writes poetry. But, he's reliable.

  --  The Wringer [3.17]
%
Catherine Gale: All the evidence you have against Steed is second hand.
Oliver: Yes, it's an ugly trade. It's rules aren't those of justice, but expediency.
Catherine Gale: Everybody's guilty until proved innocent.
Oliver: Precisely.

  --  The Wringer [3.17]
%
The Wringer: Time is what you care to make it, baby.

  --  The Wringer [3.17]
%
John Steed: But Tinbey is a ghost village.
Catherine Gale: You mean nobody lives there?
John Steed: Well, it used to support a... heh, a tin mine... That tin mine went out of action eight years ago, and all the villagers have moved to Bodmin.
Catherine Gale: Must have a strong attraction for corpses.
John Steed: So strong that people die in London, and are transported off to Cornwall. Why?

  --  Mandrake [3.18]
%
Roy Hopkins: What about close friends?
Eve Turner: We don't have any.
Roy Hopkins: Think carefully now.
Eve Turner: I don't need to. My husband didn't make friends, or influence people. He just made money.

  --  Mandrake [3.18]
%
Steve Benson: Now don't give me the brush off, this cost me a packet of money!
Dr. Macombie: You got what you wanted, didn't you? Now go on, off you go.
Steve Benson: I didn't want the law breathing down my neck. No chance in being the richest man in prison!

  --  Mandrake [3.18]
%
Catherine Gale: [about Benson] Does he know you're on to him?
John Steed: He will, when I'm ready.

  --  Mandrake [3.18]
%
Eve Turner: [about her husband] He's an apple-a-day man. A descendant of Adam - without any of Adam's more interesting characteristics.

  --  Mandrake [3.18]
%
John Steed: What we've got to do, is to keep it on the secret list. We've got a week to do it in, 'cause it's going to the Pacific for testing.
Catherine Gale: They've only got a week, too, so I suppose they're bound to try something.
John Steed: They'll try all sorts of things, most of them dirty. There are no more gentlemen in this game.

  --  The Secrets Broker [3.19]
%
Jim Carey: I do hope you won't be staying with us long, Mrs. Gale.
Catherine Gale: Oh?
Jim Carey: Your predecessor was here for nearly a month. He practically drove us all mad with his questions.

  --  The Secrets Broker [3.19]
%
Waller: Philly, I want you to meet Mr. Steed.
Mrs. May Wilson: Oh.
Waller: [to Steed] Eh, Mrs. Wilson.
John Steed: It's an honor, madam.
[bends forward to kiss her hand]
Mrs. May Wilson: Thank you.
Waller: And her daughter, Julia.
[Steed bends forward to kiss her hand]
Waller: Help yourself to anything you fancy, Mr. Steed.
John Steed: That's very generous of you.

  --  The Secrets Broker [3.19]
%
John Steed: [asked to come up with a name for a new born filly] How about 'Impossible'?

  --  Trojan Horse [3.20]
%
Ann Meadows: Do you know anything about horses, Mr. Steed?
John Steed: Yes, I know which end is which.
Ann Meadows: Oh, thank goodness for that! I thought you might be one of those terribly dull civil servants.

  --  Trojan Horse [3.20]
%
Ann Meadows: Have you ever heard of a horse that was kinky about a spaniel?
John Steed: I think I'll have little more sugar, young lady, if you don't mind.

  --  Trojan Horse [3.20]
%
John Steed: Now the National Trust, trusts people to look after buildings of national interest. But we don't. Oh no, we don't trust anybody at all. National Dis-trust, you see?

  --  Build a Better Mousetrap [3.21]
%
Stigant: Mr. Steed, can you imagine the military applications of a device which could disable any mechanical form of machinery?
John Steed: A sort of instant peace.

  --  Build a Better Mousetrap [3.21]
%
Ermyntrude Peck: Syn, do you think we're very wicked?
Cynthia Peck: Wicked? Wicked? Oh ho, ho, nothing of the kind. We have a moral right, Myn.

  --  Build a Better Mousetrap [3.21]
%
John Steed: Caroline, may I introduce Catherine. Now, she's the white hope in the black leather of the Vern Ingham district T.T.
Catherine Gale: How do you do?
Caroline Wesker: How do you do? I must say that is a very fetching, Vectised outfit.
John Steed: That's what I always say.

  --  Build a Better Mousetrap [3.21]
%
[last lines]
Cynthia Peck: My mousetrap!
John Steed: It seems to be equally effective with the larger rodents.
[hands it back to Cyn]
John Steed: But don't you think you're using too strong a cheese?

  --  Build a Better Mousetrap [3.21]
%
Mark Charter: Morning.
John Steed: We thought you were dead.
Mark Charter: I know. It's upsetting, isn't it?

  --  The Outside-In Man [3.22]
%
John Steed: [Steed arrives home to find Cathy lying on the floor, reading a book] Ah, you got my message.
Catherine Gale: Obviously.
John Steed: I've been doing the shopping.
Catherine Gale: Obviously. I take it it's about Andrew Sharp?
John Steed: Obviously, I've been working all night.

  --  The Outside-In Man [3.22]
%
Catherine Gale: Why can't you go?
John Steed: Well, they may be suspicious. They know my face from a... little bloodbath on the border about four years ago.

  --  The Outside-In Man [3.22]
%
Helen Rayner: That mission was a complete failure, wasn't it?
Mark Charter: It wasn't a roaring success, It cost me five years in prison.
Helen Rayner: It cost Stephen his life.

  --  The Outside-In Man [3.22]
%
Catherine Gale: You're a very vindictive woman, Mrs. Rayner.
Helen Rayner: Hm. I thought you said you understood my feelings.
Catherine Gale: For the loss of a husband, yes, but not for murder, or revenge.
Helen Rayner: You don't know what it's like to be made a widow.
Catherine Gale: Yes I do.
[leaves]

  --  The Outside-In Man [3.22]
%
Martin: Mrs. Gale, do you realize it was at my instigation that you were removed from our wanted list?
Catherine Gale: Wanted list?
Martin: Oh yes, you were on it, second from top. Right behind J.B...

  --  The Charmers [3.23]
%
John Steed: Look, I thought you'd grasp at the chance. Chance of working cheek by jowl with Martin.
Catherine Gale: My cheek is going nowhere near his jowl.
John Steed: Now Mrs. Jowl, look - Mrs Gale, look, this is a job of work, I need you, you can't let me down now.

  --  The Charmers [3.23]
%
Mr. Edgar: We will now practice the short stab in the back. Otherwise known as 'Show business'.

  --  The Charmers [3.23]
%
John Steed: Will you have a drink?
Kim Lawrence: Not before sundown. Of course, you could draw the curtains...

  --  The Charmers [3.23]
%
John Steed: Now as soon as the lights go out, you make a dash for the door. Keep going whatever happens, and don't stop for me.
Kim Lawrence: I won't even slow down to a trot for you.

  --  The Charmers [3.23]
%
John Steed: Alas, poor George.
Catherine Gale: You knew him?
John Steed: I knew him well, Georgie Vinkel, he's one of their top agents. It's funny, he's the second one they've bumped off this month.

  --  The Charmers [3.23]
%
John Steed: Oh, why do you want to kill me? I always thought we were the best of enemies.
Martin: You know why. Because of Vinkel...
John Steed: Oh, good old Georgie Vinkel. Yes, I was reading about him in the paper, poor fellow.
[thinks for a moment]
John Steed: You don't think that I did it?
Martin: Who else?
John Steed: But that's impossible, he was killed with a foil, my weapon is a sabre.

  --  The Charmers [3.23]
%
Martin: So you didn't kill Vinkel.
John Steed: No, I haven't killed anyone all week.

  --  The Charmers [3.23]
%
Keller: [Martin has led Steed into Keller's secret hideout] Steed, my dear fellow, what a pleasure to see you again. Ha, ha, ha!
[to Martin]
Keller: I told you to kill him!

  --  The Charmers [3.23]
%
John Steed: Where did you learn your job?
Kim Lawrence: School of hard knocks.

  --  The Charmers [3.23]
%
John Steed: [to Kim Lawrence] Drawing on your bumper experience of bodies, do you think you could help me over Martin's body?

  --  The Charmers [3.23]
%
Catherine Gale: What is this place?
Mr. Edgar: Oh this, ma'am. is an Academy of Charm for aspiring young gentlemen. We take the raw material and believe me, sometimes it is very raw indeed, and we turn the mere man into the gentleman.

  --  The Charmers [3.23]
%
Zalenko: I must congratulate you on the use of your umbrella.
John Steed: Thank you. And may I compliment you, what was it you were trying to do to your friend?
Zalenko: Disjoint his left arm from its socket over my right shoulder.
John Steed: And where did you learn that particular piece of nastiness?
Zalenko: Saturday afternoons, British television, last time I was here. You should watch.

  --  Concerto [3.24]
%
Zalenko: Well, I'm asking you again, what happened?
Stefan Veliko: I've told you twice.
Zalenko: Tell me again.
Stefan Veliko: Mr. Peterson and Mrs. Gale had been here to talk about organizing the tour. They left, and I started to practice. A concert pianist must practice several hours a day, you ought to know that by now, Zalenko.
Zalenko: The piece you were practicing.
Stefan Veliko: It was the A-flat Polonaise by Chopin which is exactly the same answer I gave you twice before.
Zalenko: Go on.
Stefan Veliko: I finished the piece and I wished to go to the bathroom. You want to know what for?
Zalenko: No.

  --  Concerto [3.24]
%
Zalenko: I don't expect you to trust me, Mr. Steed, but I think you must agree my reconstruction is logical.
John Steed: I remember you got top marks at college for deduction.

  --  Concerto [3.24]
%
Catherine Gale: Burns was waiting for me. We've been playing one sided Russian Roulette.
John Steed: I told you gambling would be the death of you.

  --  Concerto [3.24]
%
John Steed: What were you trying to do to your 'friend'?
Zalenko: Disjoint his left arm from its socket over my right shoulder
John Steed: And where did you learn that particular piece of nastiness?
Zalenko: Saturday afternoon British television, last time I was here. You should watch

  --  Concerto [3.24]
%
Zalenko: [Cathy arrives with Steed in tow] But I thought the British Cultural Council was only sending one person.
Catherine Gale: Eh...
John Steed: Mrs. Gale and I met on the doorstep.

  --  Concerto [3.24]
%
Catherine Gale: I suppose it never occurred to you that you don't put leather in a washing machine?
John Steed: Really, why not? Cows must get wet sometimes, they don't run.
Catherine Gale: They're not dyed.

  --  Esprit De Corps [3.25]
%
Catherine Gale: Well, as far as I can make out from the general, the mayor objectives of the exercise are these:
[takes off her fur coat]
John Steed: [while helping her with her coat, glances at Cathy's chest] Highly desirable.

  --  Esprit De Corps [3.25]
%
Catherine Gale: Anything you want to draw from stores?
John Steed: Yes, but, uh, I doubt if you'd issue it.

  --  Esprit De Corps [3.25]
%
John Steed: [pointing at a bottle] Look, if you're going to open that, you'd better be quick, I'm going to be shot in half an hour.
Private Jessop: Oh, aye, it doesn't give you much time, does it?
[as he uses both hands to open the bottle, he pulls Steed's arm along as they are handcuffed together]
John Steed: Oh Je-
[cork pops]
John Steed: Jessop, can't we get divorced just until I've finished my meal?

  --  Esprit De Corps [3.25]
%
John Steed: And as you're going to be out there anyway, pussy-footing along those sun-soaked shores...
Catherine Gale: You thought I might do a little investigating.
John Steed: That's right! What do you say?
Catherine Gale: Goodbye Steed!
John Steed: Eh?
Catherine Gale: That's what I say: goodbye.
John Steed: But that isn't asking too much?
Catherine Gale: [Mrs. Gale gets up to leave] Oh yes it is! You see I'm not going to be pussy-footing along those sun-soaked shores - I'm going to be lying on them.
John Steed: Not pussy-footing? I must have been misinformed!
[door slams]

  --  Lobster Quadrille [3.26]
%
Dr. Stannage: Stubborn, you know in this part of the world, can't abide interference. Think they know everything. Same trouble with medicine these days, patients think they know more than their doctors. That's why I turned to pathology!
John Steed: Corpses can't argue.
Dr. Stannage: Ha ha. He was shot.
John Steed: Who?
Dr. Stannage: Your ministry friend. 38, I guess. Entered the body just below the right side of the rib cage, punctured the right lung, left the body between the 7th and 8th ribs. That's what I'm looking for.
John Steed: The ribs?
Dr. Stannage: No no, the bullet.

  --  Lobster Quadrille [3.26]
%
Catherine Gale: Isn't there a proverb in your country that said everyone...
Mason: [interrupting] Not Confucius, please. What was wisdom to my ancestors is now mere pomposity in this enlightened age.

  --  Lobster Quadrille [3.26]
%
John Steed: They're certainly taking their time, aren't they?
Dr. Stannage: Ambulances rarely rush to the morgue, Mr. Steed.

  --  Lobster Quadrille [3.26]
%
Quentin Slim: Listen, baby, Steed is pumping her for information, she's got to be warned!
Max Bush: And that's the reason you're running up to town?
Quentin Slim: Isn't that good enough, hm?
Max Bush: More than good enough, if I could believe it.
Quentin Slim: And just what is that supposed to mean?
Max Bush: Steed's got a lot of charm, Kate's an attractive woman.
Quentin Slim: Fine. They make a nice couple, so why should I ca...
Max Bush: [interrupting] You're jealous! Jealousy is illogical, it's something we can't afford to be.
Quentin Slim: Stuff it, Bush.
[turns to leave]
Max Bush: [grabs Quentin] Look, you'll stay here or nurse a bad headache!

  --  Lobster Quadrille [3.26]
%
John Steed: Where is Quentin?
Max Bush: Go and ask the mermaids...

  --  Lobster Quadrille [3.26]
%
John Steed: You stay there. Special experience to move without noise. Superior training. I can move like a cat... in carpet slippers.

  --  The Town of No Return [4.01]
%
Emma Peel: [opens door to hotel room] What happened to pussy-footed pussy?
John Steed: [comes into the room] Isn't it time you were in bed? You have to be up early for school tomorrow.

  --  The Town of No Return [4.01]
%
Emma Peel: Would the winner come to the unsaddling enclosure?
John Steed: [Steed finds Peel tied up with riding gear] All this is supposed to go on a horse, you know.

  --  The Town of No Return [4.01]
%
John Steed: There's a whole army down here. And up top, they're still searching for us.
Emma Peel: I feel like the filling in a club sandwich.

  --  The Town of No Return [4.01]
%
John Steed: [during a friendly bout of fencing] We ought to get away... Down to the coast for a while.
Emma Peel: We?
[she turns round and Steeds slaps her on the behind with his sword]
John Steed: [they resume their swordfight] Why not? We can build sandcastles together.
Emma Peel: I refuse to carry your bucket and spade.

  --  The Town of No Return [4.01]
%
Emma Peel: As for the sea breezes, well, I shall have to take a couple of reefs in my bedclothes tonight.
John Steed: We must be prepared to make concessions, my dear. Back to nature!
Emma Peel: Well, you might have warned me. I'd have packed my pot of woad.

  --  The Town of No Return [4.01]
%
Emma Peel: [Steed is untying Emma] Ow! Tight girth!
John Steed: We'll have to cut down on the oats.

  --  The Town of No Return [4.01]
%
John Steed: Don't touch that, we may be in orbit.
Emma Peel: You of course quite a constellation.

  --  The Town of No Return [4.01]
%
John Steed: [Mrs. Peel is practicing fencing moves] Not enough flexibility in the wrist... Weight on the wrong foot...
John Steed: [she turns, her sword finds Steed's ribs] Friendly advice...

  --  The Town of No Return [4.01]
%
'Piggy' Warren: Ah, good evening, good evening. Sorry to have kept you waiting and welcome to the jolly old Gremlin. Well what'll it be, a jar or two of the jolly old splosh, what?
[laughs heartily]
John Steed: I'll have a large brandy, please. And how about you, Mrs... eh?
Emma Peel: Peel. No thank you, I don't think I ought to.
John Steed: Oh, come on, traveling companions and all that, we'll have one for the lady as well. And how about you, Mr. eh...
Smallwood: Smallwood. I'll have the same, thank you very much.
[chuckles]
'Piggy' Warren: Right. Three tots of Napoleon's ruin coming up.

  --  The Town of No Return [4.01]
%
Miss Thirlwell: No music in your room, no male visitors. No nail varnish, no elaborate hairdo's, regulation stockings and in by ten o'clock every night. I'm glad to have you with us, Mrs. Peel. I hope you'll be happy here.

  --  The Gravediggers [4.02]
%
Sir Horace Winslip: [having lunch with Steed aboard his indoor railway carriage] I wouldn't travel any other way, would you? Can't possibly enjoy a meal any other way. Brought up on trains, you know. My father made all his money out of trains. And now, if I attempt to eat a meal without the gentle rocking and the scenery flashing by, I get the most dreadful indigestion.

  --  The Gravediggers [4.02]
%
[last lines]
John Steed: Always felt I was cut out to be an engine driver. I was on the point of taking it up as a matter of fact.
Emma Peel: Family objected?
John Steed: Oh no, they were all for it. But I came to my senses just in time, there's no security, always on the move.
Emma Peel: Oh, I don't know. At least it would've kept you to the straight and narrow.

  --  The Gravediggers [4.02]
%
John Steed: Well, if there's anything you want, grapes, oranges, magazines, just get in touch with the Footplateman's friendly.
Sager: Grapes.
John Steed: Eh?
Sager: [pointing gun at Steed] I'd like some grapes.
John Steed: Desperate for them, I'd say...

  --  The Gravediggers [4.02]
%
John Steed: [Emma enters Steed's flat] Don't move, got you in my sight.
[fires toy gun]
John Steed: Haha, gun that shoots around corners.
Emma Peel: Second childhood?
John Steed: Nephew's birthday.

  --  The Gravediggers [4.02]
%
Emma Peel: [bent over dead body] The position of the head. He's been hit from the front and yet there isn't a trace of bruising on the face.
John Steed: Conclusion, honorable lady?
Emma Peel: In-ku.
John Steed: Ink who?
Emma Peel: It's a karate blow. Delivered by an expert, it breaks the neck easier than a hangman's noose.
John Steed: Many in this country, experts?
Emma Peel: Very few. Barely a handful in the whole of Europe.

  --  The Cybernauts [4.03]
%
Tusamo: You are acquainted with our recent development?
John Steed: You've produced a new circuit element for the transistor. I'm here to negotiate the rights for the concession.
Tusamo: This heralds a new age, Mr. Steed. Computers no bigger than a cigarette box, pocket television, and radios smaller than a wristwatch.

  --  The Cybernauts [4.03]
%
Tusamo: We have saying, Mr. Steed: in darkness, ceiling is always higher.
John Steed: Confucius?
Tusamo: Tusamo.

  --  The Cybernauts [4.03]
%
Gilbert: [about Dr. Armstrong] Given a choice between Lollobrigida and an electronic calculator, he would choose the equation every time.

  --  The Cybernauts [4.03]
%
John Steed: If I'm not back by eleven-thirty, I've stayed for breakfast.
Emma Peel: You don't eat breakfast.

  --  The Cybernauts [4.03]
%
John Steed: [Emma is under attack from a Cybernaut] Mrs. Peel, throw me the pen! The pen, throw it me!
[Emma does so; the Cybernaut turns to follow the pen]
John Steed: It's a short wave device, works like a guided missile.
Emma Peel: Well get rid of it then!
John Steed: Don't worry, I will.
[turns corner to find Armstrong and another Cybernaut coming at him]
Dr. Clement Armstrong: That won't help you, Steed, this one has a brain of its own.

  --  The Cybernauts [4.03]
%
John Steed: [solving crossword puzzle] 'It moves in the dark, it leaves no mark, it's as hard as steel.' Nine down. Now what would that be, Mrs Peel?
Emma Peel: Cybernaut?

  --  The Cybernauts [4.03]
%
Emma Peel: It's as though we've reached a dead end. Correction: three dead ends.

  --  The Cybernauts [4.03]
%
Sensai: Please state your business, Mrs. Peel.
Emma Peel: I am interested in Karate.
Sensai: Interest is for the onlooker. From students we require dedication, nightly attendance for practice and demonstration. We never tolerate absentees.
Emma Peel: I appreciate that.
Sensai: Then appreciate too, Mrs. Peel, that Karate, unlike Judo, is not a sport. It is a science, an art, a discipline. The word Karate...
Emma Peel: [interrupting] Means empy hand.
Sensai: But the hands, though empty, can become more deadly than any weapon. It is the combination of force and a development of courage.

  --  The Cybernauts [4.03]
%
John Steed: As Tusamo might have said, we have a proverb: he who talks too much, forgets his listener.
Emma Peel: Son of Confucius?
John Steed: Steed.

  --  The Cybernauts [4.03]
%
Emma Peel: I must say, I can't wait to meet Oyama, 'the Tall Mountain'.
John Steed: What's he got that I haven't got?
Emma Peel: A hobby.
John Steed: Archeology, philately, knitting?
Emma Peel: Splitting doors.

  --  The Cybernauts [4.03]
%
Dr. Clement Armstrong: That's the trouble with man. Such an impulsive creature. Cannot cope with crises. Today, one wrong decision, one simple error could bring complete destruction.
John Steed: I suppose you have an answer, doctor.
Dr. Clement Armstrong: There, Mr. Steed: The electronic brain. Oh, not this one, but I have the blueprint here
[touches his temple]
Dr. Clement Armstrong: , a small computer built with these new circuit elements, incapable of a wrong decision.
John Steed: And what's the end product? The perfect politician?
Dr. Clement Armstrong: Exactly. Government by automation.
John Steed: Sounds like an electronic dictatorship.
Dr. Clement Armstrong: It's the only solution.
John Steed: I'd say that was up to the voters. They might disagree.
Dr. Clement Armstrong: Once I get delivery from Harachi, an army of cybernauts is only a matter of time.

  --  The Cybernauts [4.03]
%
[last lines]
John Steed: [Emma offers Steed a pen after his pencil breaks] I don't hold with those newfangled things.
Emma Peel: Oh!

  --  The Cybernauts [4.03]
%
Sensai: [refusing Emma into the gym] ... It is difficult for a woman to compete in such company.
Emma Peel: [smiling] It's that the idea of competition appeals to me.
Sensai: Then I'd suggest perhaps... fencing would be more suitable to your purpose.
Emma Peel: I think not, Mister...
Sensai: Here I'm known as Sensai - the Knowledgeable One.
[Claps hands once; a tall blonde in karate outfit appears by the gym's entrance]
Sensai: Oyuka! Ms. Peel is leaving now.
Emma Peel: [after glncing at the blonde, turns round to face Sensei again] What makes Oyuka the exception?
Sensai: Oyuka, the Immovable One, she's a third dan of judo, a first dan of karate. There are few men who could pass her, if she would not want them to.
Emma Peel: And if I could?
Sensai: I shouldn't try it, Baka, the Foolish One. But if you can, you'll be most welcome.
Sensai: [Watches as Emma places her handbag and gloves on the floor, and bows to him with Oyuka; the women exchange holds; Oyuka is in an arm-lock and tries to scratch Emma's right leg; he shouts] Oyuka!
[Emma projects Oyuka to the floor]
Sensai: You attacked her as a woman, but she has the skill of a man... A bad mistake, Oyuka.
[Emma bows to the sensei again, collects her things, and exits]

  --  The Cybernauts [4.03]
%
Dr. Clement Armstrong: Benson, you are employed to take orders, not give them. I may be confined to this chair, but I'm perfectly capable of dealing with Mr. Steed.

  --  The Cybernauts [4.03]
%
John Steed: [seeing Benson for the first time, after being knocked out by a Cybernaut] Oh, is that another one? Looks almost human.

  --  The Cybernauts [4.03]
%
Sensai: And now a demonstration of Tameshiwari by a student of whom I'm truly proud: Aoyama
[the tall one]
Sensai: , a fifth dan of judo, a fourth dan of karate. Aoyama is an example of what can be achieved with practice and dedication. I give you... Aoyama!
[the karateka enters, and it is revealed that he is Jeffcott, owner of the toys factory company]

  --  The Cybernauts [4.03]
%
Dr. Clement Armstrong: Correctly programmed, the machine could answer questions on finance, science, even military and political matters. It could supplant the human brain entirely.
John Steed: Is this for publication?
Dr. Clement Armstrong: I'm theorizing, of course. The problem is size, but with the development of new circuit elements, it could only be a matter...
[buzzer interrupts]
Dr. Clement Armstrong: Excuse me.

  --  The Cybernauts [4.03]
%
Emma Peel: Harachi. They were in the news a few weeks ago. They've developed a new circuit element to replace the transistor. It could revolutionize the electronics industry.

  --  The Cybernauts [4.03]
%
John Steed: Is this your idea of progress?
Dr. Clement Armstrong: The ultimate in human achievements.
John Steed: Human? A cybernetic police state? Push-button bobbies? Automated martinis? Remote-controlled olives? No, I think I'll stick to good old flesh and blood.

  --  The Cybernauts [4.03]
%
John Steed: Will the machine supplant man. Or woman, for that matter.
Emma Peel: And will it?
John Steed: Not if I have anything to do with it.

  --  The Cybernauts [4.03]
%
John Steed: Well, that kind of music wasn't composed by a computer.
Dr. Clement Armstrong: It will be in time.

  --  The Cybernauts [4.03]
%
[Mrs. Peel is working undercover in a department store]
John Steed: I asked the chief predator where to find you and he said, "Our Mrs. Peel is in ladies' underwear." I rattled up the stairs three at a time.
Emma Peel: Merry quips department on the fifth floor, sir.

  --  Death at Bargain Prices [4.04]
%
Emma Peel: So that's what they meant. I heard some of the staff talking about the King upstairs.
John Steed: He's here?
Emma Peel: Hm-hm, living at the top of the building. A disued department's been converted for him.
John Steed: Really? Where is it?
Emma Peel: The Department of Discontinued Lines.
[hits Steed on the nose with a pencil]
Emma Peel: You should fit in rather well.
John Steed: That's a matter of opinion.

  --  Death at Bargain Prices [4.04]
%
Farthingale: Headwear, Mr. Massey.
Massey: Yes, sir.
Farthingale: And Mr. Massey, your carnation is crooked. Kindly adjust it.

  --  Death at Bargain Prices [4.04]
%
Jarvis: Mrs. Peel?
Emma Peel: Yes?
Jarvis: Jarvis. House Dick.
[she gives him a quizzical look]
Jarvis: Detective.

  --  Death at Bargain Prices [4.04]
%
Horatio 'King' Kane: Rush, tear, grab and grub, that's life today.

  --  Death at Bargain Prices [4.04]
%
John Steed: What on earth's that?
Emma Peel: Hm. Oh, it's an exploded molecular construction.
John Steed: So that's what hit me.

  --  Death at Bargain Prices [4.04]
%
Emma Peel: Would you like a drink?
John Steed: Intravenously!

  --  Death at Bargain Prices [4.04]
%
Angus De'ath: Nice morning.
Ian De'ath: How would you know? Twentyseven minutes past eight, it's nearly lunch time.

  --  Castle De'ath [4.05]
%
John Steed: [picking up Emma, who is injured] Lean on me, Mistress Peel, as much as you like.

  --  Castle De'ath [4.05]
%
Emma Peel: Your cousin has hired my company as consultants.
Ian De'ath: What company would that be?
Emma Peel: Aborcashaata.
Ian De'ath: Aborca what?
Emma Peel: It's the Advisory Bureau on Refurbishing Castles and Stately Homes as a Tourist Attraction.

  --  Castle De'ath [4.05]
%
Ian De'ath: You damned fool, Angus, you could have killed somebody!
Angus De'ath: Aye, but I didn't, did I?
Emma Peel: So what's your next trick, splitting an apple on this gentleman's head?
Angus De'ath: Hm. You must be Mrs. Peel. Welcom to Castle De'ath.
Emma Peel: Thank you. I've already tripped over the matt.

  --  Castle De'ath [4.05]
%
John Steed: Was there a rack down there?
[Mrs. Peel nods]
John Steed: In good racking order?
Emma Peel: I didn't have time to find out. Shouldn't be at all surprised.

  --  Castle De'ath [4.05]
%
Emma Peel: [about Black Jamie, who was walled up the East tower of Castle De'ath] Well, he can't do much harm, I mean not walled up.
John Steed: Mrs. Peel, the first thing a ghost learns is to walk through walls. That's a fundimental part of any self-respecting spirit's basic training.

  --  Castle De'ath [4.05]
%
Angus De'ath: This is the banqueting hall, and here's the table round which the clan used to gather in the old days.
Emma Peel: And nowadays?
Angus De'ath: Just Ian and me.
Emma Peel: Passing the salt must be a bit tricky.

  --  Castle De'ath [4.05]
%
Dr. Fergus Campbell: Your facetiousness, Mr. Steed, covers an edgy temperament. In fact, I'd say your nerves mostly jangle like wires in the wind.

  --  The Master Minds [4.06]
%
John Steed: Always breaking windows at school, I was.

  --  The Master Minds [4.06]
%
John Steed: [Emma is bouncing on a trampoline] Look, do you mind? It's like watching a game of perpendicular tennis.

  --  The Master Minds [4.06]
%
Emma Peel: Steed, you did wake me up a few minutes ago?
John Steed: There is a touch of fantasy about it all, isn't there?

  --  The Master Minds [4.06]
%
John Steed: Behind them there must be a brilliant planner at work.
Emma Peel: A genius.
John Steed: A diabolical master mind.
Emma Peel: Sir Clive?
John Steed: He's just a pawn in the game. The man we're after is the king.

  --  The Master Minds [4.06]
%
John Steed: Hello...
Davinia Todd: I'm going to scream in a moment.
John Steed: Oh dear, I hope not.
Davinia Todd: Loud, and I have excelent lungs.
John Steed: I can believe it.
Davinia Todd: Enough to wake the dead.
[opens her mouth to scream]
John Steed: I'm John Steed. I'm here on business and I'm not going to harm you.
Davinia Todd: Oh, how dull.

  --  The Master Minds [4.06]
%
Mr. Adrian Lovejoy: Togetherness will solve all your problems Mrs. Peel.
Emma Peel: I only have one, Mr. Lovejoy. Finding a suitable partner.
Mr. Adrian Lovejoy: We'll do our best. Now what are your requirements: age group, physical aspect? Just let me know what you want.
Emma Peel: Well, he would have to be mature.
Mr. Adrian Lovejoy: Hmm.
Emma Peel: A man of culture, and intelligence.
Mr. Adrian Lovejoy: [writing it down] Mature, cultured, intelligent.
Emma Peel: With stamina.
Mr. Adrian Lovejoy: [long pause] Quite so, yes.

  --  The Murder Market [4.07]
%
John Steed: Help yourself to coffee.
Emma Peel: Always the perfect host!
John Steed: [Steed is graphing something on paper] Heh. Nine, ten... eleven!
Emma Peel: Planning?
John Steed: Plotting.
Emma Peel: For your accountant? A museum of modern art?
[traces a line on end of the graph downward with her finger]
Emma Peel: Or could it be... your popularity poll?

  --  The Murder Market [4.07]
%
John Steed: Tried working once, it didn't work out. Too much like work.

  --  The Murder Market [4.07]
%
Mr. Adrian Lovejoy: And I hope you'll both have all the happiness in the world.
John Steed: [the bride throws her bouquet, Steed catches it in his bowler] Good luck.

  --  The Murder Market [4.07]
%
Mr. Adrian Lovejoy: I'll be quite frank with you, Mr. Steed. Some of our clients would make even Cupid lose hope.

  --  The Murder Market [4.07]
%
John Steed: All the same, we may find out tomorrow. They should have found me a suitable partner by then... the marriage bureau. Hm! Advanced scientific - they analyze your personality and then find you a compatible companion.
Emma Peel: That must have set them a problem.
John Steed: Eh?
Emma Peel: Finding a match for you.
John Steed: Why, I don't know. Educated, charming, cultured.
Emma Peel: Ruthless, devious, scheming. Hm! Have to be quite a girl. A mixture of Lucrezia Borgia and... Joan of Arc.
John Steed: Sounds like every girl I ever knew. By the way my dear, isn't it high time you thought of marrying again?
[Emma spits up into her champagne glass]

  --  The Murder Market [4.07]
%
Emma Peel: [deadpan] You diabolical mastermind, you.

  --  A Surfeit of H2O [4.08]
%
Emma Peel: Stolen?
Emma Peel,Eli Barker: Aye, he thought he was unobserved, but I saw him, sneaking into Grannie Gregson's.
Emma Peel: Grannie Gregson's?
Eli Barker: Grannie Gregson's Glorious Grogs Incorporated, just a bit over the ledge. A factory engaged in the fermentation of intoxicating liquors.
Emma Peel: And you actually saw him going in there?
Eli Barker: Late at night. Creeping in, to steal liquors. to gorge on glorious grogs.

  --  A Surfeit of H2O [4.08]
%
John Steed: You've had warning of the flood?
Jonah Barnard: Oh, indeed I have.
John Steed: [taps an old barometer] Something more positive than this, I hope?
Jonah Barnard: Butterflies.
John Steed: In the stomach?
Jonah Barnard: In the district!

  --  A Surfeit of H2O [4.08]
%
Eli Barker: Mrs. Peel, it's you again. You should be preparing: the flood cometh!
Emma Peel: Yes, well I've put a down payment on a canoe.

  --  A Surfeit of H2O [4.08]
%
Joyce Jason: Can I help you?
John Steed: [brightens up at the sight of her] Any time! Eh, Steed, John Steed of Steed, Steed, Steed, Steed, Steed and Jacques Limited, wine merchants extraordinary.
[hands over his card]
Joyce Jason: How did Jacques get in?
John Steed: He didn't, he doesn't exist. But in the wine trade, you must have that French touch, so I invented Jacques, heh.
Joyce Jason: Do your relatives approve?
John Steed: Eh?
Joyce Jason: Steed, Steed, Steed...
John Steed: Oh, as a matter of fact, I invented them too, looks better on the card, heh.

  --  A Surfeit of H2O [4.08]
%
Emma Peel: [Mrs. Peel is trapped in a wine press. Steed and Jonah arrive through a secret entrance in the floor] Gentlemen should knock before entering.
John Steed: [quickly walks up to Emma] What are you, a sparkle in a seaweed soda?
Emma Peel: No, I'm the kick in the nettle noggin.
John Steed: Never mind, I'll have you out of here in two shakes of a swizzle stick.

  --  A Surfeit of H2O [4.08]
%
John Steed: Good evening.
Jonah Barnard: Good evening, Mr. Steed.
John Steed: You haven't by any chance seen a young lady?
Jonah Barnard: Mrs. Peel?
John Steed: Yes, I told her to meet me here.
Jonah Barnard: Well, she was in. Some time ago. Tell me... is she a very sinful woman?
John Steed: I beg your pardon?
Jonah Barnard: This Mrs. Peel... She looks so charming. But then you can never tell by appearances.
John Steed: Are you sure we're talking about the same person?
Jonah Barnard: Yes, Mrs. Peel. Tall, slim, very attractive. It's a pity, a great pity, because she doesn't seem a sinful woman.
John Steed: Then why should you think she is?
Jonah Barnard: It's what she said! She came in, left a message for you, but you're not to worry. She was going into the pit of iniquity.

  --  A Surfeit of H2O [4.08]
%
John Steed: I've driven across this road, ooh, hundred times during the war.
Emma Peel: Well, since you know it so well it's remarkable you couldn't stay on it.

  --  The Hour That Never Was [4.09]
%
Benedict Napoleon Hickey: I'm a comsumentious subjector. I detest war... or violence... or stamp collectors.
John Steed: Stamp collectors?
Benedict Napoleon Hickey: Filthy habbit, collecting stamps. All that old saliva. More disease get spread that way, generations of old saliva. Foreign saliva, too.

  --  The Hour That Never Was [4.09]
%
John Steed: [arriving at R.A.F. Camp 472 Hamelin] Ah, there she is.
Emma Peel: Looks a bit bleak...
John Steed: You should see it in the cold light of a hangover.

  --  The Hour That Never Was [4.09]
%
John Steed: Razor still running. Petrol gushing. Unconscious rabbit. One dead milkman.
Emma Peel: Ten thousand bottles of milk...
John Steed: Thirty highly trained, technical men, just up and dance away from, eh...
Emma Peel: Hamelin.

  --  The Hour That Never Was [4.09]
%
Benedict Napoleon Hickey: I've been living off dustbins all my working life, sir.

  --  The Hour That Never Was [4.09]
%
John Harvey: Do you like wine, Mrs. Peel?
Emma Peel: In moderation.
John Harvey: [small laugh] I was referring to your interest, not your capacity.
Emma Peel: So was I.

  --  Dial a Deadly Number [4.10]
%
Emma Peel: What do you make of the Boardmans?
John Steed: Him: bluff, concervative, die-hard traditional.
Emma Peel: Square.
John Steed: Exactly.
Emma Peel: And her?
John Steed: Attractive, intelligent, expensive.
Emma Peel: Cold as ice.
John Steed: And promiscuous.
Emma Peel: Promiscuous?
John Steed: Beyond that my lips are sealed. A true gentleman doesn't, eh...
Emma Peel: A true gentleman doesn't know of a lady's promiscuity.

  --  Dial a Deadly Number [4.10]
%
John Steed: [murmuring over Mrs. Peel's shoulder during a private wine-tasting] Agreeable, well-rounded, a little on the flinty side.

  --  Dial a Deadly Number [4.10]
%
Frederick Yuill: Eh, can I offer you some Sherry and...
John Steed: Sherry and Bisquits? Thank you.
Frederick Yuill: [pushes button on intercom] Suzanne, send Myers in with some Sherry and Bisquits.

  --  Dial a Deadly Number [4.10]
%
John Steed: What's the Blue Chip Special when it's at home?
Waiter: Oh, that's one layer of delicious prawns, one of scrambled eggs, mayonaise and lightly toasted rye bread. I can recommend it, sir.
John Steed: Splendid, at least one of us will enjoy it.

  --  Dial a Deadly Number [4.10]
%
John Harvey: Eh, Mrs. Peel is another client of us, from... Barbados.
John Steed: Recently?
Emma Peel: I arrived last week.
John Steed: You surprise me.
Emma Peel: Why is that?
John Steed: So little tan.
Emma Peel: Ah... The rainy season.
John Steed: Of course.

  --  Dial a Deadly Number [4.10]
%
John Steed: A far cry from Sherry and Biscuits.

  --  Dial a Deadly Number [4.10]
%
Emma Peel: [referring to Steed's watch] That's new.
John Steed: Legacy from my uncle.
Emma Peel: Pitty it's dented.
John Steed: Battle of the Somme, 1916.
Emma Peel: German bullet?
John Steed: Canadian mule.

  --  Dial a Deadly Number [4.10]
%
Henry Boardman: Will you take sherry and biscuits with me?
John Steed: Thank you.

  --  Dial a Deadly Number [4.10]
%
John Harvey: Do you know we still judge a man as to whether his credit risk is good or not by the colour of his socks?

  --  Dial a Deadly Number [4.10]
%
Fitch: He was a lothario. With amazing capacity. If promotion was won in bed, he'd have been a field marshal.
Emma Peel: Quite an orgy of death, Mr. Fitch.

  --  Dial a Deadly Number [4.10]
%
John Steed: [as waiter serves his drink] No ice?
Waiter: House rules, sir.
John Steed: Really?
Waiter: Yes, a dealer from Wall Street once asked for a bourbon "on the rocks". Two brokers dropped dead on the spot.

  --  Dial a Deadly Number [4.10]
%
John Steed: [passing her a glass of wine] There, my dear. Well?
Emma Peel: [after tasting] A claret with unusual body.
John Steed: Where?
Emma Peel: The Bordeaux district.
John Steed: [approvingly] Mmm hmm.
Emma Peel: [thoughtfully] Umm, the little village of Saint Perrion, so it would be from the de Villiers vineyard. A Merrieau Saint Claire. 1930 would... not be the year. 1931.
John Steed: [astonished] Fantastic, Mrs. Peel! Nose or palate?
Emma Peel: Uh-uh. Eyes. I read the label.
John Steed: [both laughing] A votre sante'.

  --  Dial a Deadly Number [4.10]
%
Emma Peel: What nasty situation have you got in store for me this time, hm? You have your own built-in early warning system, you know. A certain look in the eye, roses...
[thinks]
Emma Peel: Roses...
John Steed: Roses?
Emma Peel: Roses. Ah!
[hits him on the nose with a rose]
Emma Peel: The missing horticulturists. Bullseye.

  --  Man-Eater of Surrey Green [4.11]
%
John Steed: [after equipping Mrs. Peel with a deaf aid] Yeah, well, don't lose it, will you?
Emma Peel: Why not? The plant's only man-eating.

  --  Man-Eater of Surrey Green [4.11]
%
Sir Lyle Petersen: Do you, eh, drink brandy, Mr. Steed?
John Steed: If you mean 'am I accustomed to drinking brandy', Sir Lyle, the answer is yes. if you mean 'would I like one now', the answer is also yes.
Sir Lyle Petersen: Good.

  --  Man-Eater of Surrey Green [4.11]
%
John Steed: What on Earth's that?
Wing Commander Davies: Looks like some sort of mad octopus.
John Steed: Well, what was it doing up in the cosmos?

  --  Man-Eater of Surrey Green [4.11]
%
John Steed: [after killing an alien plant] I'm a herbicidal maniac, didn't you know?

  --  Man-Eater of Surrey Green [4.11]
%
Doctor Cynthia Sheldon: This was a man-eating plant. If it had germinated, it whould have required us just as much as we require green vegetables.

  --  Man-Eater of Surrey Green [4.11]
%
John Steed: Oh, come now, Mrs. Peel. If I had a twin, I'm sure mother would've mentioned it.

  --  Two's a Crowd [4.12]
%
Emma Peel: Rather difficult to identify him, a man without a face.

  --  Two's a Crowd [4.12]
%
Vogel: And these files on Steed...
Ambassador Vladimir Jiroslav Brodny: Oh yes, I compiled them myself.
Vogel: They are inadequate.
Ambassador Vladimir Jiroslav Brodny: Oh yes, I quite agree. I've got a staff of morons.

  --  Two's a Crowd [4.12]
%
John Steed: Do you always squeeze the toothpaste from the middle?
Major Plessy Carson: No, I never did until I got married.

  --  Two's a Crowd [4.12]
%
Vogel: Remarkable.
Boris Shvedloff: Astonishing.
Josef Pudeshkin: Fantastic.
Alicia Elena: Perfect.
Vogel: We are all agreed then. The resemblance is superb. Well, Ambassador?
Ambassador Vladimir Jiroslav Brodny: If I might make a s-slight criticism... don't you think he lacks a certain panache?
Vogel: Nonsense!
Boris Shvedloff: Ridiculous!
Josef Pudeshkin: Rubish!
Ambassador Vladimir Jiroslav Brodny: Poppycock!

  --  Two's a Crowd [4.12]
%
Gordon Webster: There's just one thing, old sport. Suppose Mrs. Peel rumbles the fact that there are two Steeds?
Vogel: Then there will be one less Mrs. Peel.

  --  Two's a Crowd [4.12]
%
Emma Peel: [Mrs. Peel is helping Steed open his Christmas cards] "Best wishes for the future - Cathy"
John Steed: Mrs. Gale! Ah, how nice of her to remember me. What can she be doing in Fort Knox?

  --  Too Many Christmas Trees [4.13]
%
John Steed: [shouting to be heard over his electric razor] It wasn't a party, just a quiet dinner with an old friend.
Emma Peel: Blonde, brunette or redhead?
John Steed: Shiny pink. Rear Admiral Keavers. Bald as a baby's elbow.

  --  Too Many Christmas Trees [4.13]
%
Emma Peel: [Emma is admiring an antique bed] You know, I've always rather fancied myself in one of these.
John Steed: So have I...
Emma Peel: Hmm?
John Steed: I mean, I have too.

  --  Too Many Christmas Trees [4.13]
%
Emma Peel: I warn you, I'm here collecting for Christmas charity and I intend to separate you from at least fifty guineas.
John Steed: Double it if you'll make the voce a little more sotto.
[sighs]
John Steed: just an octave or two...

  --  Too Many Christmas Trees [4.13]
%
John Steed: It was Teasel's idea.
Emma Peel: Teasel?
John Steed: Security Intelligence Psychiatric Devision. Where is he now, by the way?
[singing]
John Steed: Grean grow the rushes!
Emma Peel: I knocked him out.
John Steed: Oh, the War Office won't like that.

  --  Too Many Christmas Trees [4.13]
%
John Steed: Secrets have been getting into the wrong hands.
Emma Peel: And you think he may be responsible?
John Steed: I'm certain he's responsible, because the secrets that have been leaking out have only been entrusted to two people, him and me. I know it isn't me.

  --  Too Many Christmas Trees [4.13]
%
John Steed: Give me a hand, will you?
Emma Peel: Hm, I love opening other people's cards.

  --  Too Many Christmas Trees [4.13]
%
Jeremy Wade: Mr. Steed. I trust you found your way down here alright?
John Steed: Instinctively.

  --  Too Many Christmas Trees [4.13]
%
Dr. Felix Teasel: One cannot produce one's dreams as evidence. Perhaps it works the other way around for this man: he sees the facts, the actuality, then tells you that he's dreamt about them.

  --  Too Many Christmas Trees [4.13]
%
John Steed: [Peel is steering a gondola, Steed is relaxing in it under a woman's umbrella] Tired?
Emma Peel: [she places the rowing ore firmly in the ground] Exhausted.
John Steed: No stamina.
Emma Peel: [sits down next to him] No comment.
John Steed: I know just how you feel.
Emma Peel: How? How would you know?

  --  Silent Dust [4.14]
%
John Steed: [taking a sip] Ah, I like a wine that bites back.

  --  Silent Dust [4.14]
%
Peter Omrod: Are you looking for anything in particular?
Quince: Martlets.
Peter Omrod: Oh? What's special about them?
Emma Peel: There aren't any.

  --  Silent Dust [4.14]
%
John Steed: [looking through Quince's glasses] Cut off in mid-warble?
Emma Peel: I haven't heard from him since.

  --  Silent Dust [4.14]
%
John Steed: By the way, how's your connection with industrial science?
Emma Peel: Well oiled.

  --  Silent Dust [4.14]
%
John Steed: [waking up from a dream in which Emma was a cowboy with a moustache] I prefer you clean shaven.

  --  Silent Dust [4.14]
%
John Steed: What a nice gun.
Peter Omrod: Should be. Wheaterby's.
John Steed: I've got it's brother, only with a walnut stock.
John Steed: [grabs a gun off the wall] Better use them while we can, hadn't we?
Peter Omrod: What do you mean?
John Steed: Birds are getting scarcer minute by minute.
Peter Omrod: I hadn't heard?
John Steed: Oh, you'd better ask your gamekeeper. Mellors?
[loads cartridge into gun]
John Steed: He mistook me for a partridge. Seriously ruffled my, eh, wing feathers.
[also loads his gun]
Peter Omrod: Oh, I must speak to him. I must tell him to be a little more...
John Steed: Accurate?
[cocks gun]
Peter Omrod: Careful.
[cocks gun]

  --  Silent Dust [4.14]
%
Emma Peel: [about to lift off in a hot air balloon] Are you sure you know how to control one of these things, Steed?
John Steed: Absolutely, my dear, nothing to worry about. Just a question of throwing ballast overboard.
Emma Peel: And what happens when we run out of ballast?

  --  Silent Dust [4.14]
%
Oliver Mellors: [offering Beryl some 'scampy' to drink] Come on, put some meat on your bones and some fire in your belly.
Miss Snow: Thank you, I can manage without.

  --  Silent Dust [4.14]
%
Peter Omrod: [about Steed] He says he wants to buy land.
Oliver Mellors: I'll give him some free, for nothing.
Miss Snow: You will?
Oliver Mellors: Aye. Six feet of it.

  --  Silent Dust [4.14]
%
John Steed: [Of fox hunting] The unspeakable in pursuit of the uneatable.

  --  Silent Dust [4.14]
%
Varnals: The ministry told me to expect you, Steed, but they gave me no instructions about you, Mrs. Peel.
John Steed: Perhaps they wanted to put your innitiative to the test. Not to worry, I'll be responsible for Mata Hari.
Varnals: Just the same, I think I should ring the minister to insure -
John Steed: It won't do you any good, old boy, he'll be on the golf course by now.
Varnals: Well, the junior minister then.
John Steed: Out for his early morning ride.
Varnals: Well, the senior secretary.
John Steed: Oh, you'll get him alright, but we must take this situation serously...

  --  Room Without a View [4.15]
%
Varnals: I made a preliminary investigation. The psychological state is consistent with intensified reorientation and auto suggestion techniques carried out over a long period.
Emma Peel: You mean he's been brainwashed.

  --  Room Without a View [4.15]
%
John Steed: Have you seen Cullen?
Leonard Martin Pasold: Seen, signed and delivered.
John Steed: Cheers.
[holds up glass]
John Steed: You've beat me to it by a day. I had a message from my New York office late last night: sign Cullen. But you got there first. Kidnapped. Right under my nose.
Leonard Martin Pasold: That's how the prune wrinkles.

  --  Room Without a View [4.15]
%
John Steed: [posing as M. Gourmet] Mr. Chessman, forgive me, it is a little hot here, don't you think?
Max Chessman: Look at me. One of nature's jokes. A fat man with thin blood. I have to keep the temperature to steady 80 degrees.

  --  Room Without a View [4.15]
%
John Steed: [Steed, dressed as a waiter, finds Mrs. Peel locked in a cell] You rang, madam?
Emma Peel: [appears in small window in the door] Yes. I want to change my room, there's a honeymoon couple next door.

  --  Room Without a View [4.15]
%
Emma Peel: [after a fight] Hard labour?
John Steed: You should see the other fellow.

  --  Room Without a View [4.15]
%
John Steed: [to Pasold] Fascinating game, chess. Pitting of wits, strategy, point counterpoint, rather like war. What's your interest in Dr. Cullen?

  --  Room Without a View [4.15]
%
John Steed: I once shot a bull-elephant myself.
Tropical Outfitter: Really? What did you use?
John Steed: F8 at 500 for a second and a small roll of film.

  --  Small Game for Big Hunters [4.16]
%
Professor Swain: I am sorry, Mrs. Peel, there's nothing more I can do. I have diagnosed the sickness, I do not hold a cure. He sleeps the sleep of the living dead. There's no awakening him, not by any means I have at my command.
Emma Peel: But surely there must be something?
Professor Swain: I am sorry, Mrs. Peel.
Emma Peel: Professor Swain, we're not living in a primitive jungle, this is Hertfortshire, England.

  --  Small Game for Big Hunters [4.16]
%
John Steed: [a second man has been struck down by the mysterious sleeping sickness] Well, I've heard of forty winks, but this is ridiculous.

  --  Small Game for Big Hunters [4.16]
%
John Steed: Had a spot of bother with the natives. A full blown savage with a very unfriendly disposition.
Emma Peel: Oh come now, Steed.
John Steed: It's the truth, he was wearing war paint. Sacrificial knife, the lot. He practically ruined my bowler hat.
[hands hat to Emma]
John Steed: Didn't do this must good either.
[indicating a folder of papers]
Emma Peel: What's missing?
John Steed: Colonel Rawling's file. Fortunately he overlooked my cucumber sandwiches.
Emma Peel: Oh, good.
Emma Peel: [takes a sandwich from Steed and then a bite] Hmm.
John Steed: [has a nibble as well] Hmm.

  --  Small Game for Big Hunters [4.16]
%
John Steed: [to Trent] I'll show you my gratitude; if I hear of anyone being pestered by a bull-elephant I'll let you know, alright?

  --  Small Game for Big Hunters [4.16]
%
Simon Trent: A drink for you, Colonel?
Colonel Rawlings: Well, yes, I'm as dry as a bone.
Simon Trent: [to Steed] Major?
Colonel Rawlings: Ah, it's on my mess bill. What's your tipple?
John Steed: A brandy, sir.
Colonel Rawlings: In this heat? You'll lacerate your liver! Aah! Keep it long and cool.
John Steed: With a touch of soda.
[the Colonel slaps Steed on the shoulder]

  --  Small Game for Big Hunters [4.16]
%
Emma Peel: [on phone] Steed, where are you?
John Steed: Deep in wildest Kalaya.

  --  Small Game for Big Hunters [4.16]
%
Emma Peel: [picking up a metal carrying case] What's in this, anyway? the crown jewels?
John Steed: Creepy, crawly germ laden flies. Let's get back to the old country.

  --  Small Game for Big Hunters [4.16]
%
Colonel Rawlings: Ah, doing a spot of hunting, eh? Bring back a big 'un.
Simon Trent: [going after Steed and Peel] I'll bring back a couple, Colonel.
Colonel Rawlings: Well grab 'em young if you can, the last lot were as tough as old boots! I like something a bit tender, something I can get my teeth into.

  --  Small Game for Big Hunters [4.16]
%
Colonel Rawlings: By Jove the natives are restless tonight.

  --  Small Game for Big Hunters [4.16]
%
John Steed: Six bodies in an hour and twenty minutes. What do you call that?
Georgie Price-Jones: A good first act.

  --  The Girl from Auntie [4.17]
%
Georgie Price-Jones: [having just smashed a vase on Steed's head] Steed! I thought you were an old lady with a bale and knitting needles.
John Steed: They do say I take after granny.
Georgie Price-Jones: Are you all right?
John Steed: I should get my armoured hat on.

  --  The Girl from Auntie [4.17]
%
[Steed attempts to enter Ivanoff's hotel room by delivering a bound-and-gagged imitation Emma Peel to his doorstep]
Joseph Ivanoff: Who's there?
John Steed: Special delivery... perishables.

  --  The Girl from Auntie [4.17]
%
John Steed: What are you knitting?
Arkwright: A bungalow.

  --  The Girl from Auntie [4.17]
%
Georgie Price-Jones: What are you doing?
John Steed: Looking for clues.
[rummages through some papers]
Georgie Price-Jones: Oh, I see. Clues!
[picks up a notebook and starts reading]
John Steed: [reading] Nine o'clock appointment with Auntie...
Georgie Price-Jones: Steed, listen to this: S1, K9, K2 tog toble eck.
John Steed: Well?
Georgie Price-Jones: Don't you see, it's a code. It seemed very clue-like.

  --  The Girl from Auntie [4.17]
%
John Steed: [there are four men lying unconscious on the floor] Do you know these gentlemen?
Aunt Hetty: What John, Paul, George and Fred? Well of course I know them. You can get up now, they're my favourite nephews. Absolutely my favourite.
Aunt Hetty: Nephews?
Aunt Hetty: Naturally. And I like to think that I am their favourite auntie.

  --  The Girl from Auntie [4.17]
%
John Steed: Do you recognize these?
[hands him a pair of knitting needles]
Arkwright: Do I? This is one of our special double O's, we had some stolen from the storeroom last week.
John Steed: Why would anyone want to steal them?
Arkwright: Industrial sabotage, put the whole schedule a week behind.

  --  The Girl from Auntie [4.17]
%
Receptionist: Exactly what kind of treasure can we obtain for you, Mr. ffitch?
John Steed: [posing as Wayne Peddyfeather ffitch] That is not for your Botticelli ears.

  --  The Girl from Auntie [4.17]
%
Old Lady: I'm collecting for the dog's home.
John Steed: A very worthy cause, please come in.
[leads her into his apartment]
John Steed: Our four legged friends need all the help they can get. Now what will it be, bones or cash?

  --  The Girl from Auntie [4.17]
%
Gregorie Auntie: [Steed hears a gun being cocked, manoeuvres in front of the Mona Lisa] Admiring the brushwork, Mr. ffitch?
John Steed: I thought you were less likely to shoot me standing in front of a Da Vinci.
John Steed: How right you are.

  --  The Girl from Auntie [4.17]
%
Georgie Price-Jones: What's so special about this Mrs. Emma Peel? You'd think she was Madame Currie and half a dozen others all rolled into one.
John Steed: Her vital statistics. Of the I.Q. variety. Hold that
[hands over a roll of bandages]
John Steed: She knows about cyphers, centered fuels, cybernetics and that's what's Ivanov is interested in.
Georgie Price-Jones: Well it just so happens that I nearly passed through college, I was going to specialise in -
John Steed: Excuse me...
[places a band aid over her mouth]

  --  The Girl from Auntie [4.17]
%
Emma Peel: [having finally escaped her oversized birdcage] And no cracks please about birds in gilded cages.
John Steed: As if I would.
Georgie Price-Jones: Are you alright? We've been so worried about you.
John Steed: Oh, Mrs. Emma Peel, meet, eh... Mrs. Emma Peel...
Emma Peel: [not particularly amused] How do you do?

  --  The Girl from Auntie [4.17]
%
John Steed: I'm to deliver this to Mrs. Emma Peel.
Georgie Price-Jones: Well, I'm Mrs. Emma Peel.
John Steed: Eh, a friend of yours, John Steed send it.
Georgie Price-Jones: Steed?
John Steed: A small fat man with a gray moustache.
Georgie Price-Jones: Oh, of course, now I remember.

  --  The Girl from Auntie [4.17]
%
Gregorie Auntie: [a Russian has just won the Mona Lisa in Auntie's auction] I shall have it delivered to your hotel sir.
Gregorie Auntie: [the man gives him a stern look] Oh, I beg your pardon, your submarine.

  --  The Girl from Auntie [4.17]
%
John Steed: Poor Ted, never had a chance to swing his steel shafted handle-to-head balanced niblet.

  --  The Thirteenth Hole [4.18]
%
Captain Waversham: [to Mrs. Peel] I say, it'd be nice if we were paired against each other in the tournament, wouldn't it? Wouldn't mind giving you a stroke or two, on or off the course.

  --  The Thirteenth Hole [4.18]
%
Frank Reed: How's your game?
John Steed: Good at Glen Eagles, eh, fair to middling at Pebble Beach, heh.
Frank Reed: [ominously] So we meet tomorrow...

  --  The Thirteenth Hole [4.18]
%
Emma Peel: Fear not, for ere this day is done, you shall have a hole in one. I am your fairy godmother.

  --  The Thirteenth Hole [4.18]
%
Man on T.V. screen: Look out, behind you!

  --  The Thirteenth Hole [4.18]
%
Emma Peel: [upon seeing Steed's dance partner number on his back] You're number 9.
John Steed: And you're dancing with garlic sausage!
[referring to the tattoo on her partner's wrist]

  --  Quick-Quick Slow Death [4.19]
%
John Steed: Hate to see a good beer going into orbit.

  --  Quick-Quick Slow Death [4.19]
%
Syder: We dress the entire nation, you know. Why, without us, Ascot race week would look like a nudists convention.

  --  Quick-Quick Slow Death [4.19]
%
Emma Peel: But you didn't bring me here just to be a gunbarer?
John Steed: No, I want you to meet someone, Willi Fehr. Used to be a top agent, now relegated to traffic control.
Emma Peel: Traffic control?
John Steed: Yes, for incoming spies. He looks after their accomodation, money, that sort of thing.

  --  Quick-Quick Slow Death [4.19]
%
Bank Manager: Yes, Arthur Peever had an account here.
John Steed: Had? Then you know.
Bank Manager: Yes... sad.
John Steed: Very sad...
Bank Manager: Very, very sad.
John Steed: [the Bank Manager moves to another window, Steed follows] Quite a shock.
Bank Manager: Oh, shocking. Very shocking. When he came in here this morning...
John Steed: This morning?
Bank Manager: Walked right in, and closed his account.
[the Bank Manager returns to his original window, Steed nearly goes the wrong way, then follows him]
Bank Manager: Bad!
John Steed: Very bad.
Bank Manager: Very, very bad.

  --  Quick-Quick Slow Death [4.19]
%
Piedi: [after making plaster casts of Mrs. Peel's feet] And now we will pour in the wax, huh? And very soon we will have two pairs of foot. Those attached to your legs, and a duplicate pair for me.
[closes his eyes in extacy]
Piedi: For me to make a pair of shoes that will be like puffs of air upon your feet.

  --  Quick-Quick Slow Death [4.19]
%
John Steed: Now you, Mrs. Peel, back to your pupils, and be quick-quick slow about it.

  --  Quick-Quick Slow Death [4.19]
%
John Steed: [Steed is carefully inspecting Emma's box of chocolates as if it were a bomb] Whatever you do, don't touch the wrapped ones.
Emma Peel: Why not?
John Steed: 'Cause I like them.
[he unwraps one and eats it]

  --  The Danger Makers [4.20]
%
John Steed: [to Emma] Show him your bumps.

  --  The Danger Makers [4.20]
%
Emma Peel: What have we got, so far?
John Steed: Two black roses, three corpses...
Emma Peel: [shouting from off screen] Four white feathers...
John Steed: And a partridge in a pear tree.

  --  The Danger Makers [4.20]
%
Emma Peel: A bunch of schizoid, paranoid, psychopaths.
John Steed: And incidentally dangerous.

  --  The Danger Makers [4.20]
%
Emma Peel: I'm Mrs. Emma Peel, from Willis and Ferguson's. Auctioneers, valuers, specialists in probate.
Major Robertson: Oh yes, do come in. I was told to expect you.
[they shake hands]
Major Robertson: Eh, forgive me, frankly, I was expecting a dusty old man leaning heavily on a gnarled stick.
Emma Peel: I hope you're not disappointed?
Major Robertson: On the contrary.

  --  The Danger Makers [4.20]
%
John Steed: Had you known General Groves long?
Major Robertson: Since I was a cadet at Sandhurst. I've served under every general you've heard of, and a few you haven't. Not one was his equal.
John Steed: You might be biased...
Major Robertson: Of course I'm biased. He had the humanity of Caesar... tenacity of Wellington... and the brilliance of Napoleon.
John Steed: Good company.
Major Robertson: The best.

  --  The Danger Makers [4.20]
%
Lt. Stanhope: Well, that's the end of old Buckethead.

  --  The Danger Makers [4.20]
%
Emma Peel: I've come here to appeal to you, Mr. Cartney.
John Cartney: You certainly do that.

  --  A Touch of Brimstone [4.21]
%
John Cartney: The choice of weapons is yours.
John Steed: Feather dusters at four hundred yards.

  --  A Touch of Brimstone [4.21]
%
John Cartney: My lords, ladies and gentlemen! Midnight approaches. The Witching Hour! And as a sign of that hour, as a symbol of all that is evil, as the epitome and purveyor of this Night of Sins, I give you: the Queen of Sin. Mrs. Peel!

  --  A Touch of Brimstone [4.21]
%
John Steed: Well, there have been other incidents. Sneezing powder at government receptions, plastic spiders in an ambassador's soup and somthing quite outrageous in a diplomat's bed.

  --  A Touch of Brimstone [4.21]
%
Sara Bradley: [about Cartney] I'm afraid he's busy. He won't have time to see you.
Emma Peel: He's expecting me.
John Cartney: Mrs. Peel, this is a surprise.
Emma Peel: [turns back to Sara] Half expecting.

  --  A Touch of Brimstone [4.21]
%
John Steed: [to Lord Darcy] First I'll fix you up with my patent hangover cure. I call it 'National Anthem'. Soon get you on your feet.

  --  A Touch of Brimstone [4.21]
%
John Cartney: The first thing on the agenda is the initiation of a new member.
Tubby Bunn: Do we know him?
John Cartney: Eh, Mrs. Peel does.
Roger Winthrop: [the club members chuckle] Well, that's good enough for me.

  --  A Touch of Brimstone [4.21]
%
Squadron Leader Hogg: Can I help you old boy?
John Steed: [disguised as Squadron Leader, complete with outlandish R.A.F. moustache] Actually, I wanted a word or 5 with Group Captain Miles.
Squadron Leader Hogg: Out, I'm afraid.
John Steed: Oh bad show,
[holds out his hand]
John Steed: Squadron Leader Blue.
Squadron Leader Hogg: Squad Leader Hogg, anything I can do?
[they shake hands]
John Steed: Actually, I wanted a word or 2 about the old Groupee, official magazine you know, I'm acting as P.R.O.
Squadron Leader Hogg: From the H.Q.?
John Steed: B.H.Q.
Squadron Leader Hogg: On T.T.R?
John Steed: J.J.V. succounted from R.H.B.
Squadron Leader Hogg: Oh really, how's the G.C.M.?
John Steed: A-1.
Squadron Leader Hogg: M-Y?
John Steed: 50 P.P.R.
Squadron Leader Hogg: [chuckles] Downgraded to 007, eh?
John Steed: Upgraded to B.B.5.
Squadron Leader Hogg: Oh, got his G.G.Q. then? How's the C.O.?
John Steed: [stops smiling] O.K.
Squadron Leader Hogg: Oh.
[pause]
Squadron Leader Hogg: Bang on.

  --  What the Butler Saw [4.22]
%
Group Captain 'George' Miles: I say, do you mean that? Why, You really won't mind if I don't try to seduce you?
Emma Peel: Don't give it a second thought.
Group Captain 'George' Miles: Oh, I'd love a cup of tea. It's this terrible reputation of mine, you see, I don't know how it started, but now I'm stuck with it, the full Casanova bit. It sometimes can be very tiring.
Emma Peel: Hmm, must be.

  --  What the Butler Saw [4.22]
%
Benson: You know, you make an excellent butler, but a very poor forger.
Benson: [Steed flinches] These references here: The Duke of Duffep, the Earl of Isley, the Honorable Flaghorn... You see, I've checked. The're all the names of pubs.

  --  What the Butler Saw [4.22]
%
Hubert Hemming: How did this gentleman get in here unanounced?
Benson: I'm sorry, sir, but I was taking a suit-sponging class and I...
Hubert Hemming: No excuses, Benson!

  --  What the Butler Saw [4.22]
%
John Steed: [as Mayor White] Brigadier Ponsonby Goddard, sir?
Major General Goddard: Brigadier? What do you think this is, fruit salad? Mayor General Ponsonby Goddard!
John Steed: [salutes] Sorry, sir.
Major General Goddard: It's my son you want, young Percy.

  --  What the Butler Saw [4.22]
%
John Steed: [to his barber] Can you take me now? A quick scrape and a hot towel or two?

  --  What the Butler Saw [4.22]
%
Emma Peel: What happened to the shining armor?
John Steed: It's still at the laundry.

  --  The House That Jack Built [4.23]
%
John Steed: [on telephone] Pongo, please listen. She's got a key with her. It's a perfectly ordinary key, but there's something strange about it.

  --  The House That Jack Built [4.23]
%
Emma Peel: An old uncle of mine died, some while back, left me his house. I have to go and look at it.
John Steed: Oh, how upsetting.
Emma Peel: Not really, I never knew him.
John Steed: No, that you have to dash. I've got my hands full and I could do with a cup o' coffee.

  --  The House That Jack Built [4.23]
%
Emma Peel: [a man dressed like a scout has stopped Mrs. Peel's car on the road] I might have killed you.
Frederick Withers: The speed you were going?
[shakes his head]
Frederick Withers: The stopping distance to this car is 147 feet, allowing for average reflexes. I positioned myself 150 feet away.
Emma Peel: Very mathematical of you.
Frederick Withers: I am a very mathematical person.
Emma Peel: You're also very stupid. Supposing I hadn't seen you?
Frederick Withers: In that case, my death would have been entirely your fault.

  --  The House That Jack Built [4.23]
%
Burton: This is the horse the kicked the cow... that chased the dog that bit the cat... that killed the rat... that lived in the house that Jack built.

  --  The House That Jack Built [4.23]
%
Professor Keller: [voice over] I am dead. I've been dead for quite some time. Only the house is alive. Only the house...

  --  The House That Jack Built [4.23]
%
Emma Peel: [on Steed's sword] That looks a bit droopy.
John Steed: Wait 'til it's challenged.

  --  A Sense of History [4.24]
%
Emma Peel: What on earth are you doing here anyway, Steed?
John Steed: Advanced research into the co-relationship of the lesser-crested newt and Mrs. Sybil Peabody.
Emma Peel: Mrs. Sybil Peabody?
John Steed: An aunt of mine. Drinks like a fish.

  --  A Sense of History [4.24]
%
John Steed: Last night you severely damaged my bowler hat. Incidentally, you nearly killed me. Why?

  --  A Sense of History [4.24]
%
Richard Carlyon: It's not that I'm frightened, you know, it's not that at all.
John Steed: No, no.
Richard Carlyon: To tell you the truth, I'm absolutely petrified. I mean, I'm not cut out for this sort of stuff, murder, mayhem, lurkings after dark, attacks by young savages, not to mention the damp!
John Steed: The damp?
Richard Carlyon: Yes... yes, the... always gets me here.
[gestures to a place on his back but hits Steed's instead]
John Steed: Ooh!
Richard Carlyon: Oh, I, I do beg your pardon, I thought that was me. Old wound you know.
John Steed: Really? German bullet, World War Two?
Richard Carlyon: Umbrella. January sales. Darn stupid woman.

  --  A Sense of History [4.24]
%
Richard Carlyon: [referring to the death of Broom] Distressing business.
Emma Peel: Very.
Richard Carlyon: Yes, it quite spoiled my appetite when I heard.
Emma Peel: Ruined James Broom's.
Richard Carlyon: What? Oh, yes, yes, I see what you mean.

  --  A Sense of History [4.24]
%
John Pettit: I take it, that if someone were to suggest that one man in the right place and at the right time could himself change the course of history, you would disagree?
Dr. Gordon Henge: Mr. Pettit, since I have spent the last hour saying so, you may take it that I would disagree.

  --  A Sense of History [4.24]
%
Richard Carlyon: I think what Pettit was trying to suggest, sir, is that for the past...
[looks at his watch]
Richard Carlyon: ... eh, 53 minutes, you have assaulted our ears with a load of stupid, pretentious old rubbish.
Dr. Gordon Henge: Mr. Duboys, you have the manners of a gutter snipe!

  --  A Sense of History [4.24]
%
Richard Carlyon: There you are, you see, it gets progressively more hysterical. It is not an economic thesis, it's a political document. And it reeks of ideals and dogma.
John Steed: With the faintest whiff of jackboots.
Richard Carlyon: Good heavens.

  --  A Sense of History [4.24]
%
Eric Duboys: Dr. Henge...
Millerson: Dear Dr. Henge.
Allen: Poor, dear Dr. Henge.
John Pettit: Poor, dear, sad Dr. Henge.

  --  A Sense of History [4.24]
%
Emma Peel: Steed. So you've finally decided on your costume. The Sheriff of, eh... Bashful Ben?
John Steed: Nottingham.
Emma Peel: Well, I hate to mention, in all the books I've read, the Sheriff is a baddy.
John Steed: Beneath this doublet beats a generous heart.

  --  A Sense of History [4.24]
%
John Steed: [Steed's rubber sword is bent by his adversary] Mrs. Peel was right!

  --  A Sense of History [4.24]
%
J.J. Hooter: You see, I smell a great deal.
Emma Peel: You do? Eh, I mean you do.

  --  How to Succeed .... At Murder [4.25]
%
Sara Penney: Where do I sit?
John Steed: Sit?
John Steed: [a polite nod from Penny] Oh yes, sit!
[straightens up in his chair and slaps his thighs]
John Steed: Here would be delightfully informal.

  --  How to Succeed .... At Murder [4.25]
%
John Steed: [Steed has hit Emma's bumper with his Bentley] I'm most terribly sorry, Miss.
[quietly]
John Steed: I just wanted a word with you.
Emma Peel: [shouts] Are you blind?
[quietly]
Emma Peel: Couldn't you have phoned?
John Steed: [quietly] And risk a wire tap?
[louder]
John Steed: My foot missed the brake.
[quietly again]
John Steed: Henrietta's been dead for years, just seen the gravestone, it's all extremely odd.
[louder]
John Steed: Well, no harm done.
Emma Peel: [louder still] No harm? There ought to be a law against these things.
John Steed: [quietly] How are you getting on?
Emma Peel: Not to well, progressing.
[louder]
Emma Peel: Watch your driving in future!
[walks off]
John Steed: [whispering] And you watch your step.

  --  How to Succeed .... At Murder [4.25]
%
John Steed: [to Miss Penney] Terrible weather. And nothing between you and the weather, but leather.

  --  How to Succeed .... At Murder [4.25]
%
Barton: [pushes button on intercom] Miss Purbright?
Elizabeth 'Liz' Purbright: [in adjoining room] Yes, Mr. Barton?
Barton: I'm going through these lawyer's returns. Do you know I can't make head or tail of them?
Elizabeth 'Liz' Purbright: That's my new filing system, Mr. Barton.
Barton: [not amused] Oh is it. Then perhaps you'd be kind enough to come in here and explain it to me!

  --  How to Succeed .... At Murder [4.25]
%
J.J. Hooter: My proboscis, Mrs. Peel, is probably the most sensitive in Europe.

  --  How to Succeed .... At Murder [4.25]
%
J.J. Hooter: [after removing his nose protector] There you see the splendid beast. Naked before you.
Emma Peel: Hm. It very a... handy.
J.J. Hooter: But what until you see him in action, Mrs. Peel. Wait until you see him twitch and flare.

  --  How to Succeed .... At Murder [4.25]
%
Henrietta: To bring men to heel and put woman at the pinnacle of power. Ruination to all men.

  --  How to Succeed .... At Murder [4.25]
%
Henrietta: Finlay has a reputation as a woman chaser. Let's hope he will take to you, my dear.
Sara Penney: He will. I'll make sure of that.

  --  How to Succeed .... At Murder [4.25]
%
Emma Peel: It's all this secretarial business. I got cramp in my glutils and my dorsals were definitely dormant.

  --  How to Succeed .... At Murder [4.25]
%
Henrietta: Well, this sets us a problem. We've never had to kill a woman before. Never one of our own kind.

  --  How to Succeed .... At Murder [4.25]
%
John Steed: Tell me, Mrs. Peel? What size do you take in Turkish trousers?

  --  Honey for the Prince [4.26]
%
Prince Ali: For you. Because you're my friend and have found favor in my eyes.
John Steed: Thank you.
Prince Ali: It is the left eye of a mountain rat. A very rare delicacy.

  --  Honey for the Prince [4.26]
%
Emma Peel: I'd like to send some honey to a friend. You can arrange that?
Bumble: Indeed I can. Bumble's honey encircles the globe. Nectar in Nyasaland, syrup in Sweden, honey in the Himalayas. You just give me the address and I dispatch first haste.

  --  Honey for the Prince [4.26]
%
Ponsonby-Hopkirk: [trying to surmise Steed's favourite fantasy] Got it! You're a secret agent. Yes indeed, ideal for you. License to kill. Pitting your wits against a diabolical master mind. Make a change from your every day humdrum existence, wouldn't it?
John Steed: [laughs] Yes, it certainly'd make a change.

  --  Honey for the Prince [4.26]
%
John Steed: [on phone] Oh Colonel Robertson? Steed here. Did Mrs.Peel call and tell you about the body in my apartment? She did. Well will you have it removed right away, please, it's very untidy.

  --  Honey for the Prince [4.26]
%
Ponsonby-Hopkirk: And if ever you should wish to join the Q.Q.F... a fantasy perhaps?
Emma Peel: No thank you, I haven't yet exhausted reality.
Ponsonby-Hopkirk: Pity.

  --  Honey for the Prince [4.26]
%
Prince Ali: [Prince Ali has taken a fancy to Emma] I offer twelve goats. Well, it's a great deal for just a woman.

  --  Honey for the Prince [4.26]
%
Ponsonby-Hopkirk: Within these portals, Mr. Reed, you can stand besides Nelson at Travalgar,
[picks up a sword]
Ponsonby-Hopkirk: fight with General Custer, become Ghengis Khan, a Roman emperor, heavyweight champion, ruler of the world! A million dreams made to order. Fantasies created with a few simple tricks such as you have already seen.

  --  Honey for the Prince [4.26]
%
Prince Ali: You may gaze upon the royal and most noble features.
[Steed does so]
Prince Ali: On behalf of my peoples and my country, I, Ali Mortechrem Gibran, crown prince of Barabia, defender of the faith, soother of all souls, lighter of dark corners, fountain of wisdom, welcome thee.

  --  Honey for the Prince [4.26]
%
Prince Ali: But have you ever paused to consider that a man with 320 wives also acquires 320 mothers in law?
John Steed: That's a very sobering thought.
Prince Ali: Very.

  --  Honey for the Prince [4.26]
%
Emma Peel: Frankly, when I read your card, I didn't expect, eh...
Bert Smith: Ah, it was the name that fooled you. It always does. Bert Smith. Actually, it's Bertram Fortescue Winthrop Smythe, to be absolutely accurate. Had to change it of course.
Emma Peel: Of course...
Bert Smith: Firstly, it was too long to go on the card, and such a name is a terrible disadvantage in this business. After all, whoever heard of anyone having they're chimney swept by a Fortescue Winthrop Smythe? Haha.
Emma Peel: [laughs] Who indeed?

  --  From Venus with Love [5.01]
%
Venus Brown: Your occupation?
John Steed: Following father's footsteps. He spent his life depositing money, I spend mine withdrawing it.
Venus Brown: How lovely.

  --  From Venus with Love [5.01]
%
Dr. Henry Primble: Steed? Steed? Have you an appointment?
John Steed: No.
Dr. Henry Primble: Then I can't see you. I never see anyone without an appointment.
John Steed: Can I make one?
Dr. Henry Primble: Oh, certainly.
John Steed: How 'bout today, at eh, two fortyfive?
Dr. Henry Primble: Oh, that suits me fine, take a seat.

  --  From Venus with Love [5.01]
%
Bert Smith: Astronomy is my second love. Eh, after chimney's, of course. But the two go hand in hand, really. You see, in my position, sweeping chimney's, the thing I see most of is the sky.

  --  From Venus with Love [5.01]
%
Venus Brown: We are a very small, select group.
John Steed: Good. I abhore overcrowding.
Venus Brown: With stringent rules.
John Steed: I shall obey them, stringently.

  --  From Venus with Love [5.01]
%
Brigadier Whitehead: I'm sorry, I refuse to dip any deeper until I've had a peep at the accounts.
Venus Brown: The accounts?
Brigadier Whitehead: Yes. The treasury reports. Hadley and Mansford are of the same mind. We'd like to know there the money's going, you know.
Venus Brown: Well, where do you think it's going?
Brigadier Whitehead: Well that's what we'd like to know.

  --  From Venus with Love [5.01]
%
John Steed: I'm a fully fledged member of the BVS. I volunteered for watching duty.
Emma Peel: I thought it was part of your policy never to volunteer for anything?
John Steed: Yes, but since you volunteered to return the recording to Venus Brown, I thought I'd volunteer.

  --  From Venus with Love [5.01]
%
Crawford: Does anyone really know what's up there? On Venus, or Mars, or even the moon? Discoveries always begin as a guessing game. We may be right, we may be wrong. If you don't explore, you don't find out. And we shall, some day. Our funds are growing fast.
Emma Peel: While your membership dwindles.

  --  From Venus with Love [5.01]
%
Dr. Henry Primble: And does Steed know you're here?
Emma Peel: I consider that a highly personal question.

  --  From Venus with Love [5.01]
%
Dr. Henry Primble: I couldn't beat them, so I joined them and now I've almost destroyed them.

  --  From Venus with Love [5.01]
%
John Steed: Richard Meadows. Found at Wembley Stadium in his pajamas.
Emma Peel: Maybe he sleepwalks?
John Steed: Some walk. He resides in Birmingham, now that's a hundred and, eh...
Emma Peel: Thirteen miles away. So he went to bed in Birmingham...
John Steed: And woke up in Wembley.

  --  The Fear Merchants [5.02]
%
John Steed: We're in the travel business. I provide luxurious igloos in Iceland.
Emma Peel: Complete with a deepfreeze.
John Steed: Bearskin rugs...
Emma Peel: And hot and cold running eskimos.
John Steed: Why not? That's quite an idea.

  --  The Fear Merchants [5.02]
%
John Steed: You found out nothing?
Emma Peel: Hm-hm, nothing in the files of Fox, White and Crawley, not even the courtesy of a reply.

  --  The Fear Merchants [5.02]
%
John Steed: Exquisite.
Jeremy Raven: But I aim at unparalleled excellence!

  --  The Fear Merchants [5.02]
%
Emma Peel: Steed, what are you doing?
John Steed: What am I doing? Practising my 'high-powered tycoon' look.

  --  The Fear Merchants [5.02]
%
John Steed: Known you all this time, never knew that you could sew.
Emma Peel: Well, our relationship hasn't been exactly domestic, has it?

  --  Escape in Time [5.03]
%
Matthew Thyssen: These strange clothes you wear. The devil's work! Designed to daze and to bewitch a man's senses. To inflame him to lust.
Emma Peel: You should see me 400 years from now.

  --  Escape in Time [5.03]
%
Emma Peel: [holding up a photograph] Now there's an evil face if ever I saw one.
John Steed: That's Tubby Vincent, he's on our side!

  --  Escape in Time [5.03]
%
Waldo Thyssen: Does Elizabethan appeal to you?
Emma Peel: Not at all. The men were so... tiny.

  --  Escape in Time [5.03]
%
Anjali: What would you give for an escape, for freedom, for complete liberty?
John Steed: Half my kingdom...
Anjali: Our terms exactly.

  --  Escape in Time [5.03]
%
John Steed: As I've demonstrated, Mrs. Peel, our mysterious intruder must have come in through the front gate.
Emma Peel: Across the entrance hall...
John Steed: Past three checkpoints...
Emma Peel: Came down the security lift...
John Steed: Across the main hall...
Emma Peel: The typing pool...
John Steed: Passed a dozen clerks...
Emma Peel: Ah, and don't forget the four secretaries, Steed.
John Steed: [With a wistful expression on his face] Mmm... indeed not.

  --  The See-Through Man [5.04]
%
Prof. Ernest Quilby: You a member? Of the B.A.?
John Steed: The B, eh...
Prof. Ernest Quilby: British Alchemists.
John Steed: Oh, no, no, the M.O.D.
Prof. Ernest Quilby: Ah. M.?
John Steed: Ministry of Defence.

  --  The See-Through Man [5.04]
%
Prof. Ernest Quilby: It's a simple principle. You see, you see an object because it reflects light. Now, my formula absorbs light. No reflection, you can't see it.

  --  The See-Through Man [5.04]
%
Elena Vazin: You have heard of a man called John Steed?
Ambassador Brodny: Oh yes. Yes, I have known him for years. The man of many talents. Of excellent taste, a good frie - a sworn enemy!

  --  The See-Through Man [5.04]
%
Elena Vazin: You are very foolish, Mrs. Peel. You cannot escape from here.
Emma Peel: No? It's been child's play so far. Such stringent precautions. No guards in reception, Brodney with an empty gun...
Elena Vazin: The fool. He will pay for that.
Emma Peel: But you gave it to him. If I'm wrong, do forgive me.
[points the gun at Elena and pulls the trigger several times]

  --  The See-Through Man [5.04]
%
John Steed: I'm John Steed.
Prof. Ernest Quilby: Was I expecting you?
John Steed: No.
Prof. Ernest Quilby: Ah. Surprise!

  --  The See-Through Man [5.04]
%
Prof. Ernest Quilby: Invisible Man? I would see through that one immediately!

  --  The See-Through Man [5.04]
%
John Steed,Emma Peel: The parrot's taking the information out!

  --  The Bird Who Knew Too Much [5.05]
%
John Steed: Do you know they brought over the whole Eastern rocket program in the eye of a needle?
Emma Peel: Ingenious!
John Steed: Hmm. Except for the fact that the courier laid down and rested in a haystack.
Emma Peel: You mean they...
John Steed: They're still looking for it.

  --  The Bird Who Knew Too Much [5.05]
%
Samantha Slade: It's a lovely car. Why do you have straps on your bonnet?
John Steed: To keep it on.
Samantha Slade: Oh. Well, how many gallons does it do to the mile?
John Steed: You mean how many miles does she do to the gallon?

  --  The Bird Who Knew Too Much [5.05]
%
Professor Jordan: [about Captain Crusoe] Whomever teaches him a phrase, he gets the tone and inflection of that person's voice exactly. A parrot paragon.
Emma Peel: And now he's a Polly gone.

  --  The Bird Who Knew Too Much [5.05]
%
John Steed: Mark Pearson is dead. And you and I are going to have a little talk.
Samantha Slade: A talk? Well, what about?
John Steed: Cabbages and kings... Life, birds and the bees - but mostly about birds.

  --  The Bird Who Knew Too Much [5.05]
%
John Steed: Frank Elrick. He was engaged on counter-counter-counterespionage.
Emma Peel: Well, somebody countered his counter. Where was this, eh, found?
John Steed: In a contractor's yard and just in time. In another hour or so... he would have been the cornerstone of a new supermarket. Poor, old Frank. He was a pretty solid sort of type.
Emma Peel: He still is.

  --  The Bird Who Knew Too Much [5.05]
%
John Steed: Now someone, or something got from here to there without being detected. Now there must be an explanation and I intend finding it!
Emma Peel: With a shoebox?
John Steed: They laughed at Edison.
Emma Peel: Only when he was serious...

  --  The Winged Avenger [5.06]
%
Simon Roberts: It's going to be difficult, father.
Peter Roberts: All business is difficult. Decisions like this take stength! And strength is power, remember that!
Simon Roberts: Yes, father.

  --  The Winged Avenger [5.06]
%
Professor Poole: Why do you persist in bothering me, why can't you leave me alone? Wasn't the dodo warning enough?
John Steed: Dodo?
Professor Poole: Wouldn't leave that alone. Now it's extinct. Gone. And so have I.

  --  The Winged Avenger [5.06]
%
John Steed: What's that?
Emma Peel: Items found at the scene of the crime.
John Steed: Your items are not very interesting.
Emma Peel: It's a loud of rubbish.

  --  The Winged Avenger [5.06]
%
Emma Peel: You did receive a letter from our London office?
Arnie Packer: Not a word.
Emma Peel: Ah... now that was very remiss of them. I understood they would write.
Stanton: And what did you understand they would say?

  --  The Winged Avenger [5.06]
%
Professor Poole: [on phone] It is imperative I see you tonight. Now. At once, eh, right away.
Emma Peel: [on other line] You mean immediately? All right, I'll come right now.

  --  The Winged Avenger [5.06]
%
John Steed: [kisses Emma on both cheeks] For that you definitely get a mention in my will.
Emma Peel: Did the whole of your past life flash before your eyes?
John Steed: Yes. Infinitely enjoyable.

  --  The Living Dead [5.07]
%
Mandy McKay: George Spencer, he's from SMOG, Mrs. Peel.
Emma Peel: SMOG?
George Spencer: Scientific Measurement of Ghosts. A society that does not belive in ghosts, Mrs. Peel. There's a scientific explanation to all hauntings and we find that explanation, scientifically. We fight legend with logic, folklore with facts. Cold, clinical facts.

  --  The Living Dead [5.07]
%
Masgard: You saw the notice, back there, 'Keep Out'. You saw it?
John Steed: Yes, yes.
Masgard: Well?
John Steed: Beautiful bright paint, excellent lettering, easy to read. I'd have preferred a four point doric myself, but on the whole I'd say, an excellent notice.
Masgard: [grabs Steed by the tie] It meant what it said: keep out, keep away.
John Steed: You're in danger of ruffling my feathers.

  --  The Living Dead [5.07]
%
Mandy McKay: I mean, whoever heard of a subterranian ghost?

  --  The Living Dead [5.07]
%
Emma Peel: Do you believe in ghosts, Steed?
John Steed: Someone does: Kermit, the hermit.
Emma Peel: You didn't answer my question. Do you believe?
John Steed: Let's put it this way: strange happenings need looking into. Now you stay here and browse around, and I'll go and see Kermit the hermit.

  --  The Living Dead [5.07]
%
Adrian Cheshire: Now, Mr. Steed, the name of your beloved pussy?
John Steed: Oh, eh... Emma.
Adrian Cheshire: Emma. Pedigree?
John Steed: Family tree that long.
Adrian Cheshire: Ah... Colouring?
John Steed: Reddish brown.
Adrian Cheshire: Ooh, a cuddly bronze tabby. And what a joy for you it must be when she's curled up in your lap.
John Steed: Oh, well, I've never thought of it that way.
[chuckles]

  --  The Hidden Tiger [5.08]
%
Major Nesbitt: [tapping his nose] This isn't just an ordinary nose, this is a build-in cat detector. If there was one on the loose, I'd know it.

  --  The Hidden Tiger [5.08]
%
Major Nesbitt: Unusual, old man, woman on a big game hunt.
[referring to Mrs. Peel]
John Steed: Unusual woman.

  --  The Hidden Tiger [5.08]
%
Adrian Cheshire: Farewell... farewell, faithful, fair and fulsome feline friend.
[a moment of silence]
Adrian Cheshire: But, life must go on.
[claps his hands]
Adrian Cheshire: You've come to join PURRR, no doubt?

  --  The Hidden Tiger [5.08]
%
Dr. Manx: Welcome back, Mr. Steed. Now, as you've doubltess heard: curiousity killed the cat. Well, in this case, the cats are going to kill the curious.

  --  The Hidden Tiger [5.08]
%
Emma Peel: Do you think they're having a purge?
John Steed: Well if they are, I wish they'd, eh...
Emma Peel: Do it in their own country? You said that.
John Steed: It's unethical, just not cricket.
Emma Peel: You said that too.
John Steed: We need a drink.
Emma Peel: That, you haven't said.

  --  The Correct Way to Kill [5.09]
%
Ivan: I'm going to kill you.
John Steed: Why on earth should you want to do that? I thought we were the best of enemies.

  --  The Correct Way to Kill [5.09]
%
John Steed: How I envy you working cheek by jowl with Ivan.
Emma Peel: I can assure you my cheek's going to be nowhere near his jowl.

  --  The Correct Way to Kill [5.09]
%
John Steed: Mrs. Peel will vouch for it, I haven't killed anyone all week.

  --  The Correct Way to Kill [5.09]
%
Nutski: [Ivan has led Steed into Nutski's secret hideout] Steed! Steed, my dear fellow!
John Steed: Hello Nutski.
Nutski: What a delightful surprise. What a pleasure to see you again.
[to Ivan]
Nutski: I told you to kill him!

  --  The Correct Way to Kill [5.09]
%
Emma Peel: I've handed in my notice.
John Steed: Oh?
Emma Peel: The other side was cheating. Nutski had no intention of seriously honouring the truce.
John Steed: Well, I'm not surprised, I never thought he would.

  --  The Correct Way to Kill [5.09]
%
Nutski: Soon I will have a trained force in every capital city of the world. And then, a third world power will emerge. We will grow in strength. We will grind our enemies under our heel until there is one world power: the state of Nutskiville!

  --  The Correct Way to Kill [5.09]
%
Boris Groski: What's the matter with him? Is he dumb or something?
Percival: No, he's British. Naturally he couldn't dream of discussing business with you until he's been formally introduced.

  --  The Correct Way to Kill [5.09]
%
Whittle: Doctor James! I've, I've killed him! I've killed him again!

  --  Never, Never Say Die [5.10]
%
Emma Peel: Where's the body?
John Steed: There isn't one
Emma Peel: No body?
John Steed: No body.
Emma Peel: There's always a body!

  --  Never, Never Say Die [5.10]
%
Dr. Betty James: Casualty. Found uncounscious some miles from here. He'd been attacked.
John Steed: By a banana?

  --  Never, Never Say Die [5.10]
%
Emma Peel: Steed, MOT-NRU stands for...
John Steed: Ministry of Technology, Neoteric Research Unit.
Emma Peel: That's a good guess.

  --  Never, Never Say Die [5.10]
%
Professor Frank N.Stone's duplicate: We duplicates are programmed to survive, Mr. Steed. We are programmed to take over. Your ministers will arrive on their tour of inspection, but duplicates will leave. Duplicates so perfect they will defy detection.

  --  Never, Never Say Die [5.10]
%
Dr. Betty James: [examining body] Call the morgue. Dead on arrival.

  --  Never, Never Say Die [5.10]
%
Emma Peel: You're a film extra.
Policeman: Film artiste, please. Backbone of the industry. Where would your Roman orgy's be without your film artiste, hm?

  --  Epic [5.11]
%
Emma Peel: Gloat all you like. But just remember... I'm the star of this picture.

  --  Epic [5.11]
%
Z.Z. von Schnerk: Pink pages, Kirby. This will mean pink pages. I will have to rewrite the script!

  --  Epic [5.11]
%
Z.Z. von Schnerk: It's time I started planning the climax of this picture. The agonizing climax. The real death of Emma Peel...

  --  Epic [5.11]
%
Policeman: I suppose you have some authority for being here?
Emma Peel: None at all, I was kidnapped.
Policeman: Oh, kidnapped.
[takes out his notebook]
Policeman: Would that be one p or two, madam?
Emma Peel: Two.

  --  Epic [5.11]
%
Max Hardy: I can't see anything.
John Steed: Well, there's nothing to see but sea.

  --  The Superlative Seven [5.12]
%
Hana Wilde: Seven guns, swords...
Joe Smith: And seven of us.
Max Hardy: But no napkins.

  --  The Superlative Seven [5.12]
%
Jason Wade: Eh, sorry to startle you, old man, I... I thought someone was stalking me.
John Steed: Someone's stalking all of us.

  --  The Superlative Seven [5.12]
%
Emma Peel: Are you sure you can afford the time for all this junketing?
John Steed: Eh?
Emma Peel: There's a small matter of the dead athletes. Six within the last week murdered.
John Steed: Seven.
Emma Peel: Ah... A couple of weight lifters and several assorted wrestlers.
John Steed: A trace of boxers, very odd.
Emma Peel: Very unsporting.
John Steed: Thank you very much, Mrs. Peel. Yes, well enough of these mundane matters, a little socializing won't do me any harm.

  --  The Superlative Seven [5.12]
%
Hana Wilde: How do you do? I'm Wilde.
John Steed: Are you? Every minute of the day?
Hana Wilde: That's my name. Mrs. Hana Wilde.

  --  The Superlative Seven [5.12]
%
Crewe: This is my station.
John Steed: Your station?
Crewe: I bought it. I, well, I'm... I'm negotiating to buy it. Heh. Humble beginnings, but... one day... one day... a main-line station. Kings Cross; Waterloo: a terminus! Yes, that's what I set my heart on.

  --  A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Station [5.13]
%
Bride: [to her 'groom'] Lets not get overenthusiastic, my husband's a very jealous man.

  --  A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Station [5.13]
%
Emma Peel: And who's his ladyfriend?
John Steed: Auntie Maud.
Emma Peel: Do you know her?
John Steed: 'Maud', M.A.U.D. 'Microfilm And Unencyphered Documents', army issue pouch.

  --  A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Station [5.13]
%
Emma Peel: [Entering Steeds apartment, Emma nearly steps on a dead body] Steed, whoops! You really must have a word with that cleaning lady of yours.

  --  A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Station [5.13]
%
Admiral Cartney: [after finding two stacks of used railway tickets] London to Norborough, First Class return. Heh. Must be about a hundred of 'em. The Fellow must have had an obsession about railways.
Emma Peel: And they're all punched through. See, the 'o' in Norborough is punched through.
Admiral Cartney: Oh yes... and the hole's just about the size of a...
Emma Peel: Self-respecting micro-dot. Makes sense. Salt fills in the 'o' with a micro-dot...
Admiral Cartney: Ticket collector punches it out again...
Emma Peel: And bingo, the message is passed on.
Admiral Cartney: [a beat] To a ticket collector?

  --  A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Station [5.13]
%
Ticket Collector: How did the ceremony go?
Groom: Mr. Salt, late V.I.P., now R.I.P.

  --  A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Station [5.13]
%
Crewe: And what exactly is your problem, dear lady?
Emma Peel: I'd like you to listen to this umbrella.

  --  A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Station [5.13]
%
Ticket Collector: Salt's camera had a film in it.
Bride: Very practical place to keep a film, I'd say.

  --  A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Station [5.13]
%
Emma Peel: [clears throat] Diddly-dah... diddly-dum. Twiddly-dum. Twiddly, twiddly, twiddly, dah. blinkety-blink, blinkety-blink. Chaddily-dum, chaddily-dah. Boopity-boop.

  --  A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Station [5.13]
%
Ticket Collector: Ah, Mr. Steed.
John Steed: Ah, Ticket Inspector.
Ticket Collector: I had you brought here to witness the final phase.
John Steed: That's very decent of you.
Ticket Collector: It's for me really. Verging on megalomania, you might say. But eh, a coup is not a coup without someone to see.
John Steed: Well I'm afraid I shan't be able to applaud.
[Steed is handcuffed to a pipe hanging from the ceiling]
Ticket Collector: The look in your eyes will be enough.

  --  A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Station [5.13]
%
Ticket Collector: Another five miles, Mr. Steed, and then...
John Steed: Pop goes the diesel?
Ticket Collector: Very droll!

  --  A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Station [5.13]
%
Ticket Collector: I am about to kill your Prime Minister.
John Steed: Oh? How do you know which way I voted?

  --  A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Station [5.13]
%
J. W. Martin: I'm afraid they're GONN.
John Steed: Gone? Gone where?
J. W. Martin: No, GONN. G.O.N.N. Guild of Noble Nannies.

  --  Something Nasty in the Nursery [5.14]
%
Mr. Goat: I can guess why you're here.
John Steed: You can?
Mr. Goat: An aura of proud fatherhood surrounds you.
John Steed: Oh...
Mr. Goat: My warmest congratulations and welcome to the Guild of Noble Nannys.
[they shake hands]

  --  Something Nasty in the Nursery [5.14]
%
Gordon: Who's playing ball this time?
Miss Lister: The noble knight.
Gordon: Ah, Georgie Peorgie pudding and pie.

  --  Something Nasty in the Nursery [5.14]
%
Emma Peel: Trying to reach top C?
John Steed: Target practice. I always endulge myself.
Emma Peel: Well, it looks like it went with a bang...
John Steed: Definitely, somebody sent me a surprise package.

  --  Something Nasty in the Nursery [5.14]
%
Emma Peel: You'd better hurry.
John Steed: Why?
John Steed: Haven't you noticed? As soon as we discover someone who can supply the answer...
John Steed: Someone always...
Emma Peel: Gets to them first.
John Steed: Ha, ha!

  --  Something Nasty in the Nursery [5.14]
%
Emma Peel: It's late, I'm tired, and I want to go to bed.
Strange Young Man: In that case, how would you like me to tuck you up?
Emma Peel: In that case, how would you like me to break your arm.

  --  The Joker [5.15]
%
Max Prendergast: [to Emma] It's such a pleasure to see you again. Your face was always so perfectly... symmetrical. Not an eye out of place.

  --  The Joker [5.15]
%
Emma Peel: [about Sir Cavalier Rousticana] He read my article recently.
John Steed: So did I! All bids, no trumps and mathematics. It was very confusing.

  --  The Joker [5.15]
%
Major George Fancy: [Steed is limping] You run into counter-espionage, tangle with the minions of a mastermind?
John Steed: Far more sinister: fell down the stairs.

  --  The Joker [5.15]
%
Ola Monsey-Chamberlain: He was called away to a, a meeting. In London. The I.B.P.C. The International... something.
Emma Peel: Bridge Players Convention...

  --  The Joker [5.15]
%
Emma Peel: I don't see a car.
Strange Young Man: Well, you wouldn't would you? Not in this fog. But it's there.

  --  The Joker [5.15]
%
Strange Young Man: Big property deal. I want to buy land. I want to expand, develop. I want to build skyscrapers. I also want... a gallon of petrol for my car or else I''ll have to walk home. My feet would be sore.

  --  The Joker [5.15]
%
Strange Young Man: [counting his payment] Just a minute, there's only half!
Ola Monsey-Chamberlain: The scream. You haven't given us the scream.
Strange Young Man: [he lets out a loud but somewhat uninspired yell] Aaaaaaah! There, is that good enough?
Ola Monsey-Chamberlain: We'll make it easy for you.
[as she walks off screen, another peron's hand moves into frame, aiming a gun at the young man, who now utters a blood curling scream]

  --  The Joker [5.15]
%
Major 'B': I'm head of Intelligence, do you take me for a perfect idiot?
Emma Peel: [in Lola's body] Noone's perfect.

  --  Who's Who??? [5.16]
%
Basil: [in Steed's body] Hello Tulip.
Lola: [in Emma's body] How are you?
Tulip: Blooming.

  --  Who's Who??? [5.16]
%
John Steed: [in Basil's body] What sort of fiend are we dealing with? A man who would bite the end off a cigar is capable of anything.

  --  Who's Who??? [5.16]
%
Major 'B': Steed, Mrs. Peel. Not too late?
John Steed: [a beat] Almost too early...

  --  Who's Who??? [5.16]
%
Basil: [in Steed's body] You're a genius, doctor.
Dr. Krelmar: I am paid to be.

  --  Who's Who??? [5.16]
%
Basil: [in Steed's body] We came to see you about Hooper.
Major 'B': Hooper?
Basil: Hooper.
Major 'B': Ah, poor Hooper.
Lola: [in Emma's body] Poor, poor Hooper.

  --  Who's Who??? [5.16]
%
Tulip: Major, those agents, they're assassins. They've eliminated half our network. The finest of our flowers. Call in every available man.

  --  Who's Who??? [5.16]
%
Emma Peel: [referring to 'A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man] A man doesn't have to be handsome to be attractive. There's a sort of ugliness for it's own sake. And if you look closely, you'll find a sense of humour. And the eyes are kind.
John Steed: It hasn't got any eyes.

  --  Return of the Cybernauts [6.01]
%
Rosie: I expect there'll be hundreds of pictures.
John Steed: Eh?
Rosie: In the papers, pictures of me. 'Ravishing blond beauty defends her honour to the last'. Well I would have done. Have I got time to change? Before the photographers arive. I've got a super bikini. It's ever so revealing, Do you know I've nearly been arrested twice wearing it?

  --  Return of the Cybernauts [6.01]
%
Emma Peel: How the head?
John Steed: What head? I'm numb from ear to ear.
Emma Peel: Never tangle with a Cybernaut.
John Steed: Tangle? I was almost decapitated.
[winces in pain]
Emma Peel: Well, this ice should...
John Steed: Should be in a glass with a large whiskey wrapped around it.
Emma Peel: All right...
John Steed: [moans as he gets up] Ah well, it's part of the great tradition: unless one's head is in two separate halves... hah, the show must go on.

  --  Return of the Cybernauts [6.01]
%
John Steed: Sorry to break up your evening.
Paul Beresford: There'll be another one.
John Steed: Good night, Paul.
Paul Beresford: Good night, Steed and good luck.
John Steed: Thank you.
Emma Peel: Good night, Paul.
Paul Beresford: Surely Steed can handle this alone?
Emma Peel: He could, but I mustn't let him find out.

  --  Return of the Cybernauts [6.01]
%
Emma Peel: Are you coming up?
John Steed: Now is not the time for a glass of claret, not even a '29. No, I think I'll stay here.

  --  Return of the Cybernauts [6.01]
%
Paul Beresford: John Steed. Adventurer, agent extraordinary. And the most delectable Mrs. Emma Peel. I want them destroyed. Utterly, totally... agonisingly.

  --  Return of the Cybernauts [6.01]
%
Paul Beresford: I like it, gentlemen. I like it very much. The very nature of it appeals to me. It's, it's an extension. They will not die and yet they'll wish they were dead. A perpetual torment. My brother would've aproved, your idea is worthy of him.

  --  Return of the Cybernauts [6.01]
%
John Steed: Oh there's an old saying: three's a crowd. Of course there's equally an old saying: eh, safety in numbers.

  --  Return of the Cybernauts [6.01]
%
Paul Beresford: No ordinary watch, Mr. Steed. It controls the will. The entire nervous system.
John Steed: But does it keep good time?

  --  Return of the Cybernauts [6.01]
%
John Steed: [trying to fix Emma's toaster, it explodes and shoots toast through the ceiling] That's the first thing Great Britain's ever got into orbit.

  --  Return of the Cybernauts [6.01]
%
Emma Peel: You know my wavelength.
John Steed: I do indeed.

  --  Death's Door [6.02]
%
Emma Peel: Well, friend Stapley certainly excelled himself, it's a great piece of double talk. "Why Sir Andrew left the converence", or how to say nothing in 500 well chosen words.
John Steed: Stapley can't help telling half truths, he's in constant touch with politicians.

  --  Death's Door [6.02]
%
Emma Peel: [to Steed] Apart from me, you're the best driver I know.

  --  Death's Door [6.02]
%
John Steed: Coffee or orange juice?
Emma Peel: Both.
John Steed: Should have known...

  --  Death's Door [6.02]
%
Emma Peel: Welcome to Nightmare Alley.

  --  Death's Door [6.02]
%
Stapley: Being peace loving, I do so abhor violence. But you leave us no alternative.

  --  Death's Door [6.02]
%
John Steed: [Speaking of the automatic carbine] Well, I feel that in the right hands one shot should be enough.

  --  Death's Door [6.02]
%
John Steed: How are you going to spend all this money?
Glover: I'd hardly like to say.
John Steed: Why not?
Glover: You'll think less of me.
John Steed: No, I won't.
Glover: It's the power that excites me, Mr. Steed. I want to be ill-mannered and rude and uncouth. And order people about, especially women. I look forward to being excessively rude to an considerable number of handsome women!

  --  The #50,000 Breakfast [6.03]
%
Emma Peel: How do you know?
John Steed: I had a look at the memo pad beside your phone. I'm an insatiable reader.

  --  The #50,000 Breakfast [6.03]
%
Dusty Rhodes: Now try this on your piano: Zany Zanzibar zebra's, in the zealous Zoo on the shores of the Zuiderzee.
Charlie: Again, you do it so beautifully.

  --  The #50,000 Breakfast [6.03]
%
John Steed: [walking towards a large window] I could've sworn that Big Ben moved. Well it must have been the Worcestershire sauce and the eh, tomato juice. Heh.
Miss Pegram: It's us that's moving, Mr. Steed. The Litoff Organisation never stands still.
John Steed: So I see, but could you remain motionless just for one moment, to have a little look at, eh, at these?
[empties a small bag containing several diamonds onto a newspaper]

  --  The #50,000 Breakfast [6.03]
%
Miss Pegram: You don't know much about the Litoff Organisation, do you, Mr. Steed?
John Steed: Nobody does! Now that's what's so intriguing.

  --  The #50,000 Breakfast [6.03]
%
Emma Peel: I've just come from an Embassy Junket.
John Steed: The rattle of ambassadorial decorations, the drone of speeches...
Emma Peel: Hmm. All proceeding at the pace of an infirm, gravely debilitated, very old snail.

  --  Dead Man's Treasure [6.04]
%
Emma Peel: Why the midnight vigil?
John Steed: I'm expecting Bobby Danvers.
Emma Peel: Courier? What's he couriering?
John Steed: Top Secret papers from you know where.
Emma Peel: Hot stuff?
John Steed: I've laid out my asbestos gloves.

  --  Dead Man's Treasure [6.04]
%
John Steed: [admiring Benstead's race car] What a beauty!
Sir George Benstead: [admiring Mrs. Peel] Oh, I do agree!
John Steed: Marvelous chassis.
Sir George Benstead: Well, I wouldn't be quite so bold as to say that, but, eh...
John Steed: Her suspension's pretty complex, too.
Sir George Benstead: Eh?

  --  Dead Man's Treasure [6.04]
%
John Steed: It's a short skirt! Eh, I mean a short cut.

  --  Dead Man's Treasure [6.04]
%
Alex: Fool!
Carl: Well somebody must have changed that other sign before we got there.
[realising]
Carl: Somebody's cheated! Well, i-i-it's not my fault if some people are dishonest.

  --  Dead Man's Treasure [6.04]
%
Penelope Blaine: Yes, I've always been fascinated by men of action. Men who get up and go!
John Steed: Sounds as though most of them got up and went.

  --  Dead Man's Treasure [6.04]
%
Penelope Blaine: Ooh, be careful. I don't want to lose you too.
John Steed: You're right. Lets just stay good friends.

  --  Dead Man's Treasure [6.04]
%
Penelope Blaine: I say, you're awfully good at it!
Emma Peel: Switch it off!
Penelope Blaine: I warn you, I'm simply hopeless at mechanical things!

  --  Dead Man's Treasure [6.04]
%
Sir George Benstead: Of course I never married. Went into my cars instead. Distinct advantages...
John Steed: You can switch a car off.

  --  Dead Man's Treasure [6.04]
%
John Steed: [shouting] You can't have economy in silence!

  --  Dead Man's Treasure [6.04]
%
Mike: [Before Steed arrives to rescue Mrs. Peel] MRS. PEEL, YOU DO REALIZE THAT IN A FEW MOMENTS YOU'RE LIKELY TO DIE?

  --  Dead Man's Treasure [6.04]
%
Alex: Did you get them?
Carl: Only just, Mrs Peel jumped me
Alex: Mrs Peel jumped you? laughs
Carl: Yeah, you didn't see her, she's well and truly emancipated is that one.

  --  Dead Man's Treasure [6.04]
%
Emma Peel: Now, take me to your leader. Or, lead me to your taker.

  --  You Have Just Been Murdered [6.05]
%
John Steed: You detect that heady aroma?
Emma Peel: [snifs the air] Roses?
John Steed: Money. The sweet, sickly smell of money. The air's heavy with it.
Emma Peel: The ground is littered with millionares.
John Steed: And awash with them. Do you suppose there's a collective noun for millionaires?
Emma Peel: A multi of millionaires?
John Steed: Tycoonery?

  --  You Have Just Been Murdered [6.05]
%
George Unwin: [after introducing himself to Mrs. Peel] And I hope you enjoy my little shindig, let me know if not, and I'll change the whole decor if necessary. Or even the house, or move the whole thing somewhere else. Paris, perhaps?

  --  You Have Just Been Murdered [6.05]
%
Nathaniel Needle: Yes, Nichols?
Nicholls: Rathbone was followed. Some woman. Tall, slim, auburn haired...
Nathaniel Needle: Never mind her attributes, deal with her, quickly.

  --  You Have Just Been Murdered [6.05]
%
Nathaniel Needle: [broadcasting on Channel B] Now someone once said that a man should use his natural born tallents to the full. Do you agree with that?
George Unwin: [answering by telephone] Yes, yes.
Nathaniel Needle: [laughing] I'm so glad. Heh, heh. Because you see, I'm a natural born parasite.

  --  You Have Just Been Murdered [6.05]
%
George Unwin: Oh look, Steed, I'm sorry. I should've told you. But I had been murdered four times.
John Steed: If anything happens to Mrs. Peel, there'll be a fifth.

  --  You Have Just Been Murdered [6.05]
%
John Steed: Who ever heard of a nine-hundred and ninety-nine-thousand, nine-hundred and ninety-nine-anaire?

  --  You Have Just Been Murdered [6.05]
%
Emma Peel: Hey Ho.

  --  You Have Just Been Murdered [6.05]
%
John Steed: If it's like Unwin's last party, there'll be three main topics of conversation: money, how to make it and how to hold on to it. It's very dull unless one's income is in the seven figure bracket.

  --  You Have Just Been Murdered [6.05]
%
John Steed: [Steed is magnetically attached to his car, Emma tries to help and becomes attached to him] Don't fight it, Mrs. Peel. We're inseparable.

  --  The Positive Negative Man [6.06]
%
Cynthia Wentworth-Howe: I'm Cynthia Wentworth-Howe, Top Hush Secretary to the Minister.
John Steed: How do you do?
Emma Peel: Top Hush?
Cynthia Wentworth-Howe: We assistants come in four grades: 'Confidential', 'Secret', 'Most Secret' and 'Top Hush'.
John Steed: Eh, you've reached the top of your profession, then?
Cynthia Wentworth-Howe: Not quite. My ultimate ambition is to achieve the special category of 'Button Lip', the pinnacle of secrecy. Not a single syllable passed on before being vetted, examined, coded and cleared.

  --  The Positive Negative Man [6.06]
%
[Steed rescues Mrs. Peel, who is wrapped from head to toe in tin foil]
John Steed: Mrs. Peel! I'd recognize those eyes anywhere. I knew you had sterling qualities but bright silver!

  --  The Positive Negative Man [6.06]
%
John Steed: What was all that about? You didn't trip, we don't have a dinner engagement, and to plumb the depths of utter banality with 'I don't usually fall for strangers'.
Emma Peel: It was a corny situation calling for corny measures.

  --  The Positive Negative Man [6.06]
%
John Steed: You don't happen to be carrying around a large brandy, do you?
Emma Peel: No, I'm traveling light.

  --  The Positive Negative Man [6.06]
%
Cynthia Wentworth-Howe: All the confidential war records are kept here.
John Steed: Have there been many confidential wars?

  --  The Positive Negative Man [6.06]
%
John Steed: [having entered through the window] Forgive the unconventional entrance. It's basic training. Old habits die hard, eh?

  --  The Positive Negative Man [6.06]
%
Peter Haworth: I want you in my arms again, Mrs. Peel. Into my arms...

  --  The Positive Negative Man [6.06]
%
Peter Haworth: My pectorals may leave much to be desired, Mrs. Peel, but I'm the most dynamic man you are ever likely to meet. Hear that? Power. Broadcast power. A life force flowing into me, fed by radio waves, making me the most powerful man on earth, a king, omnipotent!
Emma Peel: Careful you don't blow a fuse.

  --  The Positive Negative Man [6.06]
%
Emma Peel: [calling Steed on the phone] John darling? It's Emma.
John Steed: Hm? Oh, eh, Mrs, eh...
Emma Peel: Don't be silly darling. Your wife. How is my litte Johnsy-Wonsy?
John Steed: Johnsy-Wonsy's fine, but you sound as though you've been soaking up just a tiny bit too much grapejuice.
Emma Peel: You haven't been out all day? You really should, darling. Drive out. Take the children with you.
John Steed: Children? You're in trouble aren't you?
Emma Peel: That's right.
John Steed: Is there somebody listening?
Emma Peel: Yes, and I've had an absolutely tortuous day.

  --  Murdersville [6.07]
%
John Steed: Took your advice. Went to the pub. The landlord was extremely inhospitable. He came at me with a 12 bore. I hadn't even criticized the beer.

  --  Murdersville [6.07]
%
John Steed: I gather you've known each other for a long time?
Emma Peel: Since I was seven.
Major Paul Croft: Six. She was a leggy little horror with pigtails.
John Steed: I can't believe it.
Major Paul Croft: Oh, it's true. We lived next door to each other. I often used to climb over the wall...
John Steed: No, no, I mean the champagne. I specifically asked my vendor for a '26. He sent me a '27!
Emma Peel: What's a digit between friends?

  --  Murdersville [6.07]
%
John Steed: [struggling to open Emma's chastity belt] It may surprise you to know that I've had very little experience with this type of garment.

  --  Murdersville [6.07]
%
Dr. J. F. Haymes: This is ridiculous. I've known the people of this village more than half my life.
Emma Peel: Since you were six years old? That's how long I've known Paul Croft.

  --  Murdersville [6.07]
%
Jeremy Purser: Anything can happen in Little Storping. Anything at all.

  --  Murdersville [6.07]
%
Shaffer: [being dressed in a general's uniform] Josef, as a representative of our great country, am I to appear half naked?
[Josef fails to understand what's missing]
Shaffer: Another medal, you fool!
[as Josef retreats, Shaffer calls after him]
Shaffer: For bravery!
[a beat]
Shaffer: Conspicuous bravery!

  --  Mission... Highly Improbable [6.08]
%
John Steed: Do you assist your father?
Susan Rushton: Eh, not directly, I, I work in administration.
John Steed: Then perhaps you could supply me with an inventory.

  --  Mission... Highly Improbable [6.08]
%
John Steed: It's utterly incredible. Two men and a Rolls to vanish into thin air?
Emma Peel: I presume the area was thoroughly searched?
John Steed: Inch by inch, with the finest of toothcombs.

  --  Mission... Highly Improbable [6.08]
%
Prof. L. T. Rushton: It's clear that Chivers is behind it all.
Dr. Matthew Andrew Chivers: [exiting the back of a car and poiting a gun] Correction: Chivers is behind you.

  --  Mission... Highly Improbable [6.08]
%
Shaffer: Today a summer house, tomorrow the world!

  --  Mission... Highly Improbable [6.08]
%
Emma Peel: Always keep your bowler on in time of stress, and watch out for diabolical masterminds.

  --  The Forget-Me-Knot [7.01]
%
John Steed: [On meeting his new partner, Tara King] Rah boom de-ay!

  --  The Forget-Me-Knot [7.01]
%
Tara King: Your name crops up almost every day in training. We are tought the Steed Method for this and the Steed Method for that.

  --  The Forget-Me-Knot [7.01]
%
Mother: What's Mortimer doing at your place?
John Steed: Trying to remember. He seems to be suffering from some kind of amnesia.
Mother: Drugged?
John Steed: Possibly.
Mother: Brainwashed?
John Steed: Perhaps.
Mother: Cheers.
John Steed: Cheers.
[they drink]

  --  The Forget-Me-Knot [7.01]
%
Emma Peel: Who did you say he was?
John Steed: Mater, Professor Mater.
Emma Peel: And what's he professor of?
John Steed: Eh, what's that 'pology you're interested in?
Emma Peel: Anthro?
John Steed: [snaps fingers] That's it, anthropologist. One of the best.

  --  The Forget-Me-Knot [7.01]
%
John Steed: Hot-line to Washington?
Mother: Luke-warm line. Things are pretty quiet I'm afraid.

  --  The Forget-Me-Knot [7.01]
%
Sean Mortimer: This is really, very strange.
Emma Peel: Certainly a coincidence. That we both seem to be suffering from amnesia.
Sean Mortimer: What's amnesia?
Emma Peel: Loss of memory.
Sean Mortimer: Ah. Who's lost their memory?
Emma Peel: We have.
Sean Mortimer: Oh. Sorry, I'd forgotten.
Emma Peel: Steed!
Sean Mortimer: Steed.
Emma Peel: I remember the name Steed.
Sean Mortimer: So do I. That must be you then.
Emma Peel: Well it must be.
Sean Mortimer: How do you do?
[they shake hands]
Emma Peel: Now we're getting somewhere, eh, Steed?
Sean Mortimer: And I remember another name: Peel. Peel! That must be me.

  --  The Forget-Me-Knot [7.01]
%
Manager: I know every jiggy produced in this country, in the world. This one I have never seen before, it therefore does not exist.

  --  Game [7.02]
%
Monty Bristow: Our game has begun, Steed. The others played for their lives. Whereas you, in your profession, your life is cheap. You set no store by it. But Miss King... let us hope her life means a little more to you.

  --  Game [7.02]
%
Tara King: This is the Jigsaw Center?
Manager: The center of the jigsaw universe.
Tara King: And you're the manager?
Manager: The master. Royalty has walked through that door.
Tara King: Well, I have a king-size problem.
Manager: With your jiggy?

  --  Game [7.02]
%
Tara King: You don't mean my anti-magnetic shock proof, water proof, chronometer time watch has... stopped?

  --  Game [7.02]
%
John Steed: My Aunt Emily's battered, brassy ancient alarm clock with one hand missing tells me that dawn approacheth.

  --  Game [7.02]
%
Tara King: Professor? Shall I wear my gymslip?
John Steed: I would if I were you.

  --  Game [7.02]
%
Monty Bristow: Let me introduce myself...
John Steed: [interrupting] Daniel Edmund. Sergeant Edmund.
Monty Bristow: Bristow, actually. Monty Bristow.
John Steed: Oh, you've changed your name as well as your face.
Monty Bristow: Ah, but let me reassure you, underneath the mind ticks on in just the same way.

  --  Game [7.02]
%
Mother: That's MI12 for you. Complete panic. Typical of them. Terrible pre-occupation with gimmicks and gadgets. I said: "No gadget will ever take the place of a man!"
John Steed: Or a woman!

  --  Super Secret Cypher Snatch [7.03]
%
Tara King: [about to write down a list] Personal possessions. Combs, one.
Ferret: [correcting her] High-frequency resonators, one. Special issue.
Tara King: Tie-clips, one.
Ferret: Microphones, one.
Tara King: Wallet?
Ferret: Sorry. Survival kit, K-issue.
Tara King: I'll bet that's not a sigarette case...
Ferret: Point 22 automatic pistol with twin magazines and self loader. You open it to fire.

  --  Super Secret Cypher Snatch [7.03]
%
John Steed: It's not every assassin who carries his own ladder.

  --  Super Secret Cypher Snatch [7.03]
%
Charles Lather: There are no short cuts to the top of our ladder. Here, we really care about windows.

  --  Super Secret Cypher Snatch [7.03]
%
Charles Lather: Here at Classy Glass Window Cleaning Service we use only the best camel skins.
John Steed: Camel skins ?
Charles Lather: Holds twice as much water !

  --  Super Secret Cypher Snatch [7.03]
%
Tara King: It seems there's nothing deadlier than the mail.

  --  You'll Catch Your Death [7.04]
%
Tara King: There really is nothing like a ride in the country.
John Steed: Ha ha! Blow away the cobwebs.
Tara King: Breaks routine.
John Steed: Commune with nature.
Tara King: Hair streaming in the wind.
John Steed: And that's not the only thing that's in the wind.
Tara King: What else?
John Steed: Trouble.
Tara King: Steed, I knew you were holding back on me.

  --  You'll Catch Your Death [7.04]
%
Maidwell: How much may I put you down for, sir? A quire? Two quires? A ream?
John Steed: At the very least.

  --  You'll Catch Your Death [7.04]
%
Mother: You see, I have nothing else to do but think. It's my job to know these things.

  --  You'll Catch Your Death [7.04]
%
Butler: Would you have the goodness to remove your coat and roll up your shirt sleeve, sir?
John Steed: What, fisticuffs?
Butler: No, anti-biotic injection. Colonel's orders.

  --  You'll Catch Your Death [7.04]
%
Colonel Maurice Timothy: And what are we looking for?
John Steed: A tall, attractive brunette.
Colonel Maurice Timothy: Who isn't?

  --  You'll Catch Your Death [7.04]
%
John Steed: Help Miss King. Hate to see a woman hanging around aimlessly.

  --  You'll Catch Your Death [7.04]
%
Major Peter Rooke: Nothing remained unchecked. Negative.
Lord Barnes: Well I won't accept negative, I will accept nothing less than positive. Positive action, positive plans, results.

  --  Split! [7.05]
%
John Steed: Good morning, Lord Barnes.
Lord Barnes: It's a bad morning. It's a disastrous morning.

  --  Split! [7.05]
%
Tara King: There's the real villain of the piece.
John Steed: Looks like a home-perm device.
Tara King: No, it's a sort of mind-transfuser. Makes his mind go into someone else's.

  --  Split! [7.05]
%
Baines: Not a curve anywhere. Why, to have curves in my place would be... sacrilege.
Tara King: Uhm, in that case, perhaps I'd better...
Baines: No, no, the furnishings. I don't like right angled girls. Although I don't mind girls with the right angle. Heh, heh.

  --  Whoever Shot Poor George Oblique Stroke XR40? [7.06]
%
Ardmore: Operating is our only chance! Now lets see, I'll, ehm, I'll perform it here. Have the whole of this area shrubbed and vacuumed. I shall need two technical nurses, a standby programmer and an electrical anaesthetist.

  --  Whoever Shot Poor George Oblique Stroke XR40? [7.06]
%
John Steed: How's George?
Tara King: Oh, hanging on. The last thing he computed was: 2 + 2 = 5
John Steed: I'd always suspected that.

  --  Whoever Shot Poor George Oblique Stroke XR40? [7.06]
%
Tara King: Where's the resemblance?
John Steed: The knees.

  --  Whoever Shot Poor George Oblique Stroke XR40? [7.06]
%
Tara King: [calling from phonebooth] This is very unimporant.
Sir Joseph Tarlton: [on other line in his office] Well, don't bother me now then, I'm rather busy.
Tara King: I don't want to warn you!
Sir Joseph Tarlton: I beg your pardon?
Tara King: Whatever you do: don't be careful.

  --  False Witness [7.07]
%
Tara King: Lie drug?
Sykes: A little invention of my own. It neutrolises the faculty that distinguishes the true from the false. And, as you may already have guessed...
Tara King: It's not in the milk?
Sykes: That's right, It's in the milk. Simple, but effective, don't you think?
Tara King: No.
Sykes: A distilation designed to eliminate the George Washington syndrome.
Tara King: I don't see.
Sykes: I thought you would.

  --  False Witness [7.07]
%
Sykes: Sloman?
Sloman: Yes.
Sykes: Any sign of Steed?
Sloman: Yes, he's over there.
Lord Edgefield: What do you mean, over there? I'm over there!
Sloman: No you're not, I am.
Sykes: Sloman?
Sloman: What?
Sykes: You're not lying.
Sloman: Nor are you.
Lord Edgefield: Steed... he didn't doctor our drinks.
Sloman: I can see him, can't you?
Sykes: Yes. he must be by the butter machine.
Lord Edgefield: Yes, I haven't looked there. He mustn't be by the milk vat.
Sykes: Yes, I'm not over there, now.
Sloman: Well, where isn't he?
John Steed: [shouting] I'm not right behind you!

  --  False Witness [7.07]
%
Mother: I'm surrounded by incompetence.
John Steed: In general or in particular?
Mother: Both. That's why I have to involve you in a case that a child of two could have sown up in half an hour.

  --  False Witness [7.07]
%
Dr. Grant: Mr. Steed, this machine is infallible. It's never made a mistake.
John Steed: Well, there's always a first time. It is human.

  --  False Witness [7.07]
%
Tara King: Don't worry, I won't haunt you. If you promise to take me out to dinner tonight.
John Steed: Disembodied and still got an appetite?
Tara King: Ravenous... must be all the exercise I've been taking.

  --  All Done with Mirrors [7.08]
%
Prof. Carswell: I understood that you were from the Ministry.
Watney: That's right.
Miss Tiddiman: On an educational tour?
Watney: Not strictly true, I'm here to investigate the leakage of secrets. Specially chosen for the job, in fact.
Prof. Carswell: To investigate the leakaging?
Watney: Correct.
Miss Tiddiman: Or us?
Watney: Both, if nessessary. You'll find me fair, but totally dedicated.

  --  All Done with Mirrors [7.08]
%
Col. Withers: Spartan! Amazonian!
Tara King: Beg your pardon?
Col. Withers: Not even out of breath. I like that. Physical fitness. I like that, too. How do you do?

  --  All Done with Mirrors [7.08]
%
Pandora Marshall: All the others are imposters, secret agents.
Real Barlow: And they're stealing secrets from the Research Establishment.

  --  All Done with Mirrors [7.08]
%
Gorky: I warn you, Steed. Old Gorky makes an ugly enemy.
John Steed: Frankly, Old Gorky would make an equally ugly friend.

  --  Legacy of Death [7.09]
%
[Street has just "rescued" Tara from Baron Von Orlak who has been torturing her for information]
Tara King: I don't know who you are, sir, but thank you very much. A few more minutes of that and I would have told them everything they wanted to know.
Sidney Street: Mmm. Now, madam, tell me!

  --  Legacy of Death [7.09]
%
John Steed: Who's your, ehm... I mean who was your master?
Zoltan: He wished to remain anonymous.
John Steed: Did I know him?
Zoltan: He wished to remain anonymous.
John Steed: But surely you can give me...
Zoltan: Anonymous!

  --  Legacy of Death [7.09]
%
Tara King: I can't stay, I've just dropped in to have a drink between parties.
John Steed: Between parties?
Tara King: Yes, I've come from one, got another four to go to.
John Steed: I thought you didn't like parties?
Tara King: No I don't, really, that's why I'm trying to get them all into one evening.

  --  Legacy of Death [7.09]
%
John Steed: It's for my nephew's tenth birthday.
Tara King: Oh, when's that?
John Steed: Three years ago.

  --  Legacy of Death [7.09]
%
Oppenheimer: [posing as Dr. Winter] What symptoms did he exabit before he collapsed?
John Steed: Don't the bullet holes in his coat give you the teeniest clue?

  --  Legacy of Death [7.09]
%
Baron Von Orlak: And now, my dear fraulein King, to business. Last night you came here with a certain article. I sent my man Gregor to... relieve you of it. As he has not returned, I must assume he has failed.
Tara King: He's dead.
Baron Von Orlak: A very feeble excuse for failure.

  --  Legacy of Death [7.09]
%
John Steed: I thought everyone knew - Pearls dissolve in wine.

  --  Legacy of Death [7.09]
%
Sidney Street: Like the perfume of some rare and exotic blossom comes the sweet smell of succes.
Humbert Green: Sidney...
Sidney Street: Victory is near. We have but to reach out and grasp it. To take that delicate blossom in our hands and crush it's petals to inhale the perfume of triumph!

  --  Legacy of Death [7.09]
%
Mother: Do you know, Rhonda, I absolutely abhor noise. What I like about you is, your complete noiselessness. A rare quality in a woman.
[Rhonda wants to reply]
Mother: No, no, no, don't spoil it. Don't say anything.

  --  Noon Doomsday [7.10]
%
Tara King: I don't think either of us will be making us of it, this ticket is for June 19th, seven years ago.
John Steed: [takes another look at the ticket] Well, I've heard of things being lost in the post but that's ridiculous.
Tara King: Crazy.
John Steed: Or someone's playing a joke.
Tara King: If they are, I don't get the punchline. Maybe it comes later. Seven years later.

  --  Noon Doomsday [7.10]
%
Kyle-Farrington: With a boy it's easy. Just lay down a hogshead of good claret, and by the time he's old enough to enjoy it, the wine's at it's most drinkable. But a girl... I wonder if she's too old for a teddy bear.

  --  Noon Doomsday [7.10]
%
John Steed: You forget the luck of the Irish.
Tara King: You're English.
John Steed: Don't quibble over small points!

  --  Noon Doomsday [7.10]
%
John Steed: In the event of a war, where would the government go?
Tara King: The moon?
John Steed: Underground. Cupid. Cabinet Underground Premises In Depth', to be built by this company.

  --  Look - (Stop Me If You've Heard This One) But There Were These Two Fellers... [7.11]
%
John Steed: [on phone] No, I don't want Hilarious Harry Horsefly, I want Maxie Martin.

  --  Look - (Stop Me If You've Heard This One) But There Were These Two Fellers... [7.11]
%
Bradley Marler: You like that one!
John Steed: It has a certain humorous shape.

  --  Look - (Stop Me If You've Heard This One) But There Were These Two Fellers... [7.11]
%
Lord Dessington: As you know, Vaudeville's dead.
John Steed: Looks as though Vaudeville may have just decided to fight back.

  --  Look - (Stop Me If You've Heard This One) But There Were These Two Fellers... [7.11]
%
Lord Dessington: No camels in North Alaska.
Tara King: Oh, I believe it's one of the main features of the place.
Lord Dessington: What?
Tara King: The absence of camels.

  --  Look - (Stop Me If You've Heard This One) But There Were These Two Fellers... [7.11]
%
Tara King: Say, I thought we were chasing an FF-70/9074XXV Mark 10?
John Steed: We are.
Tara King: And?
John Steed: He was shot with a rifle bullet.
Tara King: An FF70/- etcetera etcetera?
John Steed: Possibly.

  --  Have Guns - Will Haggle [7.12]
%
John Steed: You had to endure 52 approved tests?
Tara King: 53. After I left Ballistics, someone attacked me. They tried to get the bullet back.
John Steed: But tenaciously you held through thick and thin.
Tara King: Judiciously. I ran.

  --  Have Guns - Will Haggle [7.12]
%
Tara King: How's your friend, Colonel Nsonga?
John Steed: He is not my friend. We didn't actually meet. I opened his safe, of course.

  --  Have Guns - Will Haggle [7.12]
%
John Steed: Loyalty, amongst other virtues, was something they impressed upon me at Eaton.

  --  Have Guns - Will Haggle [7.12]
%
John Steed: During training, my record for opening... handcuffs was... 32 seconds.
Tara King: Well you'll have to break it...

  --  Have Guns - Will Haggle [7.12]
%
John Steed: Gentlemen, I use the word losely, I have a shrewd suspicion that there's dirty work afoot.
Arcos: Yes. Yes, we intend to infiltrate the Peace Conference.
John Steed: With a forged pass?
Arcos: No, with a forged face!

  --  They Keep Killing Steed [7.13]
%
Tara King: What are you doing in England?
Baron Von Curt: Well, I need some new shirts.

  --  They Keep Killing Steed [7.13]
%
Tara King: Mother, didn't you hear what I said about Steed?
Mother: Naturally I heard what you said about Steed. Medically, my hearing is A-1+, accute even! That's why I'm very pleased to be trying out this new device for the Royal Navy. Delightfully quiet. Fish do not shout. At least, not very loudly.

  --  They Keep Killing Steed [7.13]
%
John Steed: You don't like losing, do you?
Arcos: It's a bad habbit.

  --  They Keep Killing Steed [7.13]
%
Tara King: But if you live here, then why are you staying...
Baron Von Curt: Why am I staying at the hotel?
Tara King: Hm.
Baron Von Curt: I own that, too.

  --  They Keep Killing Steed [7.13]
%
Captain Smythe: I don't believe it.
Baron Von Curt: Which one is Steed?
Captain Smythe: Someone wants to get into the Peace Conference.
Baron Von Curt: And?
Captain Smythe: And they're creating duplicates of Steed to do it.
Baron Von Curt: I don't believe it either.
Captain Smythe: Under the circumstances, we must believe that the real Steed is dead.
Tara King: So?
Captain Smythe: So any other Steeds must be shot on sight.

  --  They Keep Killing Steed [7.13]
%
Baron Von Curt: [having dispenced with one duplicate of Steed, Von Curt notices the real one behind a tree] Look, the woods are full of them!

  --  They Keep Killing Steed [7.13]
%
Arcos: Zerson, you are a fool!
Zerson: [pulling himself up from the ground] Eh, he hit me...
Arcos: Hm. He shows wisdom.
[grabs the chair Zerson is leaning on for himself, Zerson falls to the ground once more]

  --  They Keep Killing Steed [7.13]
%
Tara King: [on phone] Listen, I'm at Minnow's place and I don't like it.
[listens for a moment]
Tara King: No, Mother, it's got nothing to do with the colour of the walls, I mean I don't like the situation.

  --  The Interrogators [7.14]
%
Tara King: [on phone] Mother, I've just found something: cigarette stump. It's hand roled, custom made, eh, mixture of Virginian and Turkish with eh... preponderance of oriental herbs. What do you think?
Mother: I think you'd better watch your step. Any man who smokes such a revolting mixture must be evil incarnate.

  --  The Interrogators [7.14]
%
Charles Minnow: Well how are things in the jolly old world of intrigue, eh?

  --  The Interrogators [7.14]
%
Colonel Mannering: You watch others, Miss King, we watch you.
Tara King: Big Brother.
Colonel Mannering: Well, we had hoped that our interests would be slightly more paternal.

  --  The Interrogators [7.14]
%
John Steed: The've taken Tara King. Now don't you understand that she is different from you and Caspar?
Charles Minnow: She's a woman.
John Steed: Hm.
[a beat]
John Steed: She's also sharper, brighter and more intelligent.

  --  The Interrogators [7.14]
%
Mother: Well, come along Rhonda, pump, pump! I'm taking on a starboard list.

  --  The Rotters [7.15]
%
Tara King: It doesn't look like eh... mighty Redwood.
Professor Palmer: Ah, not now, perhaps. But you come back in a couple of 1000 years, then you'll see.

  --  The Rotters [7.15]
%
Carter: We don't deal in secrets in this department. We plant trees. When they grow up, we cut them down.
John Steed: What a full rich life you must lead.

  --  The Rotters [7.15]
%
Reginald Pym: This the remains of a pencil?
John Steed: Yes, quite recently.
Reginald Pym: Yes, still, not to worry, sir, they're very cheap. Luckily, you can easily buy another one.
John Steed: Oh, I'm not worried about the cost, it's not my pencil.

  --  The Rotters [7.15]
%
Mervyn Sawbow: It'll be as good as old in no time.

  --  The Rotters [7.15]
%
Tara King: How long have you been with the firm?
Parbury: Well actually, I'm with the BBC: British Burial Caskets.

  --  The Rotters [7.15]
%
Victor Forsythe: I say, have you seen what they did to my mother's piano?
John Steed: Seen what they did? I was under it!

  --  The Rotters [7.15]
%
Kenneth: I detest imitations. I loathe anything inferior. You look rather inferior to me, old man.

  --  The Rotters [7.15]
%
George: No offence, Miss King, but killing girls is, well, eh...
Kenneth: No, it's not cricket, you see, it just isn't done.
Tara King: I'm glad to hear it.
George: You see there are certain ethics. Standards of behaviour, eh, certain actions which a gentleman would never consider.
Tara King: Well I wouldn't want to put you in an embarassing position.
Kenneth: That's dash decent of you, Miss King.

  --  The Rotters [7.15]
%
Tara King: He's got a plan to release dry rot and destroy the world.
John Steed: Haven't we all?

  --  The Rotters [7.15]
%
John Steed: They said you stumbled. Did you?
Tara King: Possibly onto something important.
John Steed: What happened?
Tara King: Well, I recall seeing stars.
John Steed: [chuckles] That's not surprising if they thumped you.
Tara King: No, before they hit me. And then there was Humpty Dumpty.
John Steed: Sitting on a wall?
Tara King: No, bobbing about in mid-air.
John Steed: You really were hit.

  --  Invasion of the Earthmen [7.16]
%
Tara King: I'm sorry, I'm almost ready Steed.
John Steed: Good.
Tara King: I've only got to wash my hair, have a shower, paint my nails and get dressed.

  --  Invasion of the Earthmen [7.16]
%
Brigadier Brett: Welcome back, Mrs. Steed.
Tara King: It's not important, but it's Miss King.
Brigadier Brett: As you say, It's not important.

  --  Invasion of the Earthmen [7.16]
%
John Steed: You should always try, wherever possible, to toss your oponent through the nearest window. Double glazed, preferably. It's more effective. And much more spectacular.
Tara King: I'll remember.

  --  Invasion of the Earthmen [7.16]
%
Bassin: Yes?
John Steed: That's the anwer. Perhaps you'd like a question.

  --  Invasion of the Earthmen [7.16]
%
John Steed: How did you get in?
Lady Diana Forbes-Blakeney: Agents manual section three paragraph four: always go in through a skylight.

  --  Killer [7.17]
%
John Steed: A pink and purple pass?
Tara King: Hm. Valid from exactly eleven thirty today, for one whole week. I'm on holiday.
John Steed: You didn't tell me.
Tara King: I thought you might use your influence to, eh, stop it's issue.
John Steed: Now would I do a thing like that?
Tara King: Of course.

  --  Killer [7.17]
%
John Steed: How'd he die?
Clarke: I alphabetical order he was clubbed, poisoned, shot, spiked, stabbed, strangled and suffocated. And his eardrumbs are damaged.
John Steed: [takes a look at the body] His neck's broken as well.

  --  Killer [7.17]
%
Ralph Bleech: Well, for a friend of the family you're very inquisitive.
Lady Diana Forbes-Blakeney: No, I just hate mysteries.

  --  Killer [7.17]
%
John Steed: He disappeared very efficiently.
Lady Diana Forbes-Blakeney: Yes. You know, I've got a funny feeling we've been misled.
John Steed: Funny you should say that.

  --  Killer [7.17]
%
Tara King: Merlin worked for us once, didn't he?
John Steed: Us, them, they, whoever pays the highest price.
Tara King: A double agent.
John Steed: Quadruple would be nearer the mark. He's the artiste superieur of the double double double... double cross.

  --  The Morning After [7.18]
%
Jimmy Merlin: Do you think the world's ended and they forgot to tell us?

  --  The Morning After [7.18]
%
John Steed: Harold Thomas Cartney. Cartney... Now that seems to ring a bell.
Jimmy Merlin: Yes, an alarm bell. People are shooting at people 'round here!

  --  The Morning After [7.18]
%
Major Parsons: Do you want them alive for questioning, sir?
Brigadier Hansing: I most certainly do not. Shoot them. After a proper firing party has been convened.
Major Parsons: Yes, sir.

  --  The Morning After [7.18]
%
John Steed: We'll sneak back throug the side roads.
Jimmy Merlin: Sneak back! Give me three reasons why?
John Steed: Tara's still there and I want to find out what's going on.
Jimmy Merlin: I said three.
John Steed: I'm extremely stubborn.
Jimmy Merlin: Well I'll give you three: I don't want to be a hero, they're not paying me and whatevers going on, I'm not curious about it.

  --  The Morning After [7.18]
%
Jimmy Merlin: Oh Steed, let me of the hook. Undo these things and let me take my chance alone.
John Steed: I wouldn't hear of it.
Jimmy Merlin: I'm too young to die!
John Steed: You're over 21.
Jimmy Merlin: If I were 80 I'd still feel the same.

  --  The Morning After [7.18]
%
Yates: Well it's still incredible that you don't know, the whole world knows.
John Steed: Well I hate the whole world having us at an disadvantage.

  --  The Morning After [7.18]
%
Jimmy Merlin: [Steed releases Merlin from the handcuffs that bind them] I'm touched. I'm really touched by your concern.
John Steed: I don't want to find myself dragging around a dead man.

  --  The Morning After [7.18]
%
John Steed: You gave me your word.
Jimmy Merlin: Well that was before I knew you were intend on murder. Murdering me!

  --  The Morning After [7.18]
%
Tara King: When you gotta glow, you gotta glow.

  --  The Morning After [7.18]
%
John Steed: [examining an x-ray of Tara's leg] How'd you get this?
Tara King: Doctor propped me up in front of a machine and pushed a little button...
John Steed: [small chuckle] The accident, how did it happen?

  --  The Curious Case of the Countless Clues [7.19]
%
John Steed: Hang on to the coffee.
Tara King: I'll keep it 'till tea time.

  --  The Curious Case of the Countless Clues [7.19]
%
John Steed: I thought everything had it's price.
Robert Flanders: Oh, that's a fallacy. What price freedom, honor, reputation?

  --  The Curious Case of the Countless Clues [7.19]
%
Earle: I've enjoyed our difference of opinion, even if it was rather lengthy. Nice that you've seen sense at last. Very nice.

  --  The Curious Case of the Countless Clues [7.19]
%
Tara King: He's gone...
John Steed: Who's gone?
Tara King: The man who isn't there any more.

  --  The Curious Case of the Countless Clues [7.19]
%
John Steed: They say that Tara's gone out and given a message to the exchange not to disturb her.
Mother: Sounds fairly reasonable.
John Steed: So did the other four reasons.
Mother: Four?
John Steed: First time I rang she was riding, second time playing tennis, third time she was, eh, on a picnic and the fourth time she was swimming in the pool.
Mother: Active girl. No wonder she's gone to bed.
John Steed: Hm. She's staying at the Elizabethan.
Mother: So you said.
John Steed: The Elizabethan has no swimming pool. A beach, but no pool.
Mother: Funny.
John Steed: Silly.
John Steed: Stupid.
Mother: Odd.
John Steed: Crass.

  --  Wish You Were Here [7.20]
%
John Steed: Basil...
Mother: It's a simple case. A man with the mentality of a child of seven could handle it.
John Steed: On that basis, Basil qualifies.

  --  Wish You Were Here [7.20]
%
Basil Creighton-Latimer: I say, I'm most frightfully sorry uncle.
Mother: I am not your uncle I am your Mother. At least you call me Mother during office hours.

  --  Wish You Were Here [7.20]
%
Tara King: As a damsel in distress, I have a feeling that a knight in shining armour on his trusty steed will come and rescue us at any moment.

  --  Wish You Were Here [7.20]
%
Charles Merrydale: You must concede my superior intelligence. After all, I have been a prisoner longer than you.

  --  Wish You Were Here [7.20]
%
Tara King: Any suspects?
Mother: Every man in the department. I've had them under surveillance for two months.
John Steed: Have you checked all their contacts?
Mother: With a microscope. Perfectly legitimate.

  --  Love All [7.21]
%
John Steed: Three shots. Very civil. You even shoot people in triplicate.

  --  Love All [7.21]
%
Tara King: Well if he's your brother, why isn't your name Bellchamber?
Mr. Bellchamber: It is, madam.
Tara King: Well then how do you know I wasn't looking for you?
Mr. Bellchamber: Nobody ever does, madam. You see, I've got no personality.
Tara King: What, none at all?
Mr. Bellchamber: Not an iota.

  --  Love All [7.21]
%
Tait: A woman? You say Sir Rodney was killed by a woman?
John Steed: It looks like it, Mr. Tait. Did you ever see him with one?
Tait: Never! Avoided them like the plague. I can't say I blame him, really.
John Steed: Why?
Tait: Extraordinary creatues, I've never been able to understand what makes them tick.

  --  Love All [7.21]
%
Policewoman Grimshaw: Just my luck. My first case: a simple parking offence. And I end up chained to a chronic Casanova.

  --  Love All [7.21]
%
Thelma: A scare like that could give a girl grey hair.
John Steed: I'm sure whatever the colour of your hair, you'd still be equally attractive.
Thelma: Oh dear, thank you. Hm. It's not original, you know.
John Steed: Your hair?
Thelma: Your line. It's not original.

  --  Love All [7.21]
%
George Fryer: [pointing a gun at Steed] I've got to. I've got to kill you.
John Steed: Now don't do anything I might regret.

  --  Love All [7.21]
%
Martha Roberts: Why did you choose love as the emotion to work with?
Nigel Bromfield: Because it's been scientifically proven that love is the most potent emotion in the universe. Oh, unlike jealousy, hate, fear, love is the emotion of co-operation.

  --  Love All [7.21]
%
Father: Goodbye Steed.
John Steed: Hm. You shouldn't touch me. You never know where I might have been.

  --  Stay Tuned [7.22]
%
Dr. Meitner: Do you remember last night?
John Steed: Hm. I remember perfectly. I went to bed and woke up yesterday morning.

  --  Stay Tuned [7.22]
%
Tara King: You could be wrong, you know, Lisa.
Lisa: About what?
Tara King: About me not being dangerous.
Lisa: Then why won't you try something?
Tara King: I will. When I'm ready.
Lisa: [aiming a gun at Tara] Any time you like.

  --  Stay Tuned [7.22]
%
John Steed: Would you call it overdoing things if I said that I thought that I'd killed somebody?
Mother: You thought? Anyone we know?
John Steed: I'm not sure. It could be Tara King.

  --  Stay Tuned [7.22]
%
John Steed: Every time I try to remember, I find it's yesterday again.

  --  Stay Tuned [7.22]
%
John Steed: [about the Cremorne hotel] It's probably full of lovely old ladies in lavender lace, who sit sipping tea... and remembering.
Tara King: Remembering what?
John Steed: Whatever old ladies remember.

  --  Take Me to Your Leader [7.23]
%
Audrey Long: Long, Audrey Long, Miss.
John Steed: Steed, John Steed, Mister.

  --  Take Me to Your Leader [7.23]
%
Sally Graham: Are you trying to bribe me, Mr. Steed?
John Steed: In a word: yes.
Sally Graham: Oh, good. Frankly, my susceptibility to bribes is one of my few failings.

  --  Take Me to Your Leader [7.23]
%
Mother: Once these rumours start, like this wine, they leave an aftertaste. The only way to eradicate them is total success.

  --  Take Me to Your Leader [7.23]
%
Tara King: I thought you could play the tuba.
John Steed: Eh?
Tara King: You've got one in your apartment.
John Steed: That's to put flowers in.

  --  Take Me to Your Leader [7.23]
%
Sir Geoffrey Armstrong: May I direct your attention to the notice outside? These are private premises.
John Steed: So I should hope, I'm not in the habit of frequenting public houses.

  --  Fog [7.24]
%
Haller: Has a steampipe broken or something?
John Steed: Eh? Oh, that's fog. That's fog, Mr. Haller. We still lead the world in that department.

  --  Fog [7.24]
%
Grunner: Thank you... too much. Eh, hello!

  --  Fog [7.24]
%
John Steed: My great-aunt Florence will smooth the way. She kept a diary.
Mother: Did she?
John Steed: No, she didn't. I made it up.

  --  Fog [7.24]
%
Sanders: [chuckles] You've set your heart on something you haven't seen?
Tara King: Oh, but I've heard her. She just sounds so luxurious. The door shut with such a satisfying click.

  --  Fog [7.24]
%
Sir Geoffrey Armstrong: Oh, hello Steed. I didn't recognize you. It's time you grow a beard.

  --  Fog [7.24]
%
Mark Travers: [catching Steed reading another man's mail] That's not cricket, is it, Steed? Is it, Steed?
John Steed: No, it isn't. But I'm a rowing man.

  --  Fog [7.24]
%
General Hesketh: [about the computerized Field Marshal] The medal ribbons, what are they for?
Gilpin: He got that one for action during the rocket attack attack on London in 1961.
General Hesketh: But there wasn't a rocket attack on London in '61.
Gilpin: Exactly. But without him, there would have been.

  --  Who Was That Man I Saw You With? [7.25]
%
Tara King: But you'll be pleased to know that I have now tried to destroy this room four times, and each time I failed miserably.

  --  Who Was That Man I Saw You With? [7.25]
%
Mother: [shouting] Don't tell me what I have to do, boy! I was making life and death decisions when the only choice in life you had to make was whether to eat your baby cereal or spit it out!

  --  Who Was That Man I Saw You With? [7.25]
%
John Steed: The burglars in this district are very upper class. They are noted for their neatness.

  --  Who Was That Man I Saw You With? [7.25]
%
Tara King: That's exactly what they've done to me: the best bit of framing since the Mona Lisa.

  --  Who Was That Man I Saw You With? [7.25]
%
Mother: As of this moment, Tara King's security rating is reduced to zero-minus.

  --  Who Was That Man I Saw You With? [7.25]
%
John Steed: I want to ask one question, Mother. Is Tara King in danger... is Fairfax waiting outside her apartment to protect her?
Mother: Two questions, Steed. One answer: no.

  --  Who Was That Man I Saw You With? [7.25]
%
Miss Gladys Culpepper: Oh, this is nice. I haven't seen a cinema since Mr. Valentino passed away.
John Steed: Heh heh. This is not nearly as exciting as the Sheik, I'm afraid.

  --  Who Was That Man I Saw You With? [7.25]
%
Dangerfield: Any last request ?
Tara King: Can I have a cigarette ?
John Steed: [Steed appears] But you don't smoke.
John Steed: [Turns to Dangerfield] What a lovely suit.
[Fight ensues with Dangerfield, Zaroff and Steed]
Tara King: You've done it again.
John Steed: There's a question I need to ask him.
Tara King: Which foreign government is he working for ?
John Steed: No, who's the name of if his tailor.

  --  Who Was That Man I Saw You With? [7.25]
%
[Last lines]
John Steed: [Steed exquisitely pouring champagne] Now the best it yet to come.
Tara King: What is it ?
John Steed: We drink it.
John Steed: To Tara King who I never suspected any funny business for one moment.
Tara King: Never ?
John Steed: Almost never.

  --  Who Was That Man I Saw You With? [7.25]
%
Dangerfield: You know, most people's feet are so ugly. Mine, they are so elegant.

  --  Who Was That Man I Saw You With? [7.25]
%
Harriet: Just a minute. You made Tara King a blonde.
Mother: Yes.
Harriet: I've seen her. She's a brunette.
Georgina: That's right!
Mother: Now look here, aunts.
[raising his voice]
Mother: This is my story. And if I wish to make Tara King Sky Blue Pink, I will.
Georgina: Oh, you're so forceful.

  --  Homicide and Old Lace [7.26]
%
Harriet: But they always end like that.
Georgina: Couldn't we have a downbeat ending for once?
Mother: Well as a matter of fact, there was a slight tragedy.
Harriet: Really?
Georgina: Oh, tell us.
Mother: Steed sprained his thumb. And Tara, poor gal...
Harriet,Georgina: A fate worse than death?
Mother: Worse!
Harriet,Georgina: Worse?
Mother: The shock... turned her... brunette.

  --  Homicide and Old Lace [7.26]
%
Mother: The message consisted of one word.
Harriet: Help?
Mother: Intercrime.
Harriet: Surely that's two words.
Mother: Intercrime. It was the first hint that we had that this organization was really organized. I put the word out: Find out all you can about Intercrime.
Harriet: That's seven words.

  --  Homicide and Old Lace [7.26]
%
Tara King: What's Intercrime?
John Steed: The opposite to, eh, Interpol. Interpol helps the police against the criminals, Intercrime helps the criminals against the police.

  --  Homicide and Old Lace [7.26]
%
Jackson: Look Dunbar, we're all over this country of yours for one reason: to see if Intercrime can pull of what you call the Crime of the Century. What I would like to know is: what century?

  --  Homicide and Old Lace [7.26]
%
Mother: [wagging his finger] An impass was reached.
Georgina: [coppying the fingerwagging] What's an impass?
Mother: It is...
Harriet: When they run out of plot.

  --  Homicide and Old Lace [7.26]
%
Mother: Would you like some tea?
Harriet: Please.
Mother: And a large whiskey for me.
Harriet: Whiskey?
Georgina: We're disappointed in you.
Mother: Oh, purely for medicinal purposes.
Harriet: We thought you'd have five fingers of old red-eye.
Mother: What?
Georgina: We read all the spy books, you know. Five fingers of old red-eye is the conventional thing.
Mother: Oh, I see. Five fingers of old red-eye, hm.

  --  Homicide and Old Lace [7.26]
%
Dunbar: [about Dubois] He's the best cracksman in Europe.
John Steed: Well he's a criminal. He looks like a criminal. I couldn't get him into a security establishment. I doubt if I could even get him into a prison!

  --  Homicide and Old Lace [7.26]
%
Colonel Corf: In the Queens name, gentlemen, you're my prisoners and I must ask you to lay down your arms.
Dunbar: Be your age, Colonel.
Fuller: You are our prisoner, Colonel.
Colonel Corf: But you can't say that! I said it first.

  --  Homicide and Old Lace [7.26]
%
Mother: [narrating during a robbery scene] They were worse then Philistines, they were Villainstines

  --  Homicide and Old Lace [7.26]
%
Mother: [narrating] They were worse then filistines: they were vilainstines.

  --  Homicide and Old Lace [7.26]
%
Inge Tilson: Not one of the outstanding beauty spots in the country.
John Steed: I don't know, I should think that hermits and recluses would find it rather attractive.

  --  Thingumajig [7.27]
%
John Steed: My most insatiable vice is curiosity.
Dr. Grant: Curiosity killed the cat.
John Steed: Look, it led to the invention of anesthetics. The aeroplane, the wheel, electricity.

  --  Thingumajig [7.27]
%
Kruger: What a charming old church.
Rev. Teddy Shelley: Yes...
Kruger: Norman?
Rev. Teddy Shelley: Eh, well, eh, late eleventh century.
Kruger: Feels like twelfth, to me.

  --  Thingumajig [7.27]
%
Kruger: I'd heard some gossip in the village. I heard that those accidents were without explanation?
Rev. Teddy Shelley: Eh, oh well we don't know the reason for them.
Kruger: Inexplicable, huh?
Rev. Teddy Shelley: Yes, inexplicable.

  --  Thingumajig [7.27]
%
Professor Harvey Truman: Would you care for a pinch, Miss King?
Tara King: Oh, snuff.
Professor Harvey Truman: Oho at my age, it's the only kind of pinching, eh, in which I can indulge.

  --  Thingumajig [7.27]
%
Tara King: Am I glad to see you.
John Steed: Is that a question or a statement?

  --  My Wildest Dream [7.28]
%
Nurse Janet Owen: Dr. Jaeger is fully booked for the next month.
John Steed: Oh, but surely he can fit me in...
Nurse Janet Owen: I'm afraid he's fully booked.
John Steed: Perhaps he's not aware of the urgency of my case. I keep thinking I'm a horse. Must be something to do with my name.

  --  My Wildest Dream [7.28]
%
Tara King: You shouldn't have jumped me like that.
Lord Teddy Chilcott: Obviously.
Tara King: Well, you... surprised me.
Lord Teddy Chilcott: The feeling is definitely mutual.
[Tara sighs]
Lord Teddy Chilcott: I intended surprising you in a friendly way.

  --  My Wildest Dream [7.28]
%
Dr. A. Jaeger: If you're trying to say that I am an unqualified quack, then technically, legally I would have to agree with you.

  --  My Wildest Dream [7.28]
%
Dr. A. Jaeger: Your eyes are skeptical.
John Steed: I keep them half closed.

  --  My Wildest Dream [7.28]
%
John Steed: No need to be frightened now, Miss Loxton. Look, why don't you make yourself comfortable? Take off your nose.
John Steed: [Miss Loxton removes her clown nose] That's better.
John Steed: [removes fake eyebrows, her hat, and wig] Now *that* is much better!

  --  Requiem [7.29]
%
Miranda Loxton: Are we staying?
John Steed: Well can't think of anywhere safer. To my certain knowledge, there are only two people who know of it's existence.
Miranda Loxton: And they won't talk?
John Steed: Talk? Stincks, Wilkins and Feather de Georgia talk? They are sworn to the utmost secrecy on the solemn oath of last one-in's-a-ninny.

  --  Requiem [7.29]
%
John Steed: And what do you think you're doing?
Miranda Loxton: My Rear Admiral. Up to the front of the line, I think.
John Steed: But you can't do that...
Miranda Loxton: Why not?
John Steed: Well... it's simply not done. Rear Admiral, he stays at the rear. That's why he's called eh... Rear Admiral.

  --  Requiem [7.29]
%
Mother: What a fantastic story. Dastardly planned, fiendish.
Tara King: And another thing: it worked.
Mother: Quite.

  --  Requiem [7.29]
%
Miranda Loxton: You had an uncle who's world Ludo champion?
[Steed shakes his head]
Miranda Loxton: An aunt?
John Steed: Cousin Desmond.
John Steed: Not Demon Desmond, the world Ludo champion?
John Steed: Hm-hm. Desmond the Demon Diceloader.
Miranda Loxton: Groovy, baby!

  --  Requiem [7.29]
%
John Steed: [showing Tara his family tree] Steed the Ready. He dominated three shires in the Dark Ages. And there: Sir Steed-a-lot.
Tara King: One of the Knights of the Round table?
John Steed: He invented the round table.

  --  Requiem [7.29]
%
Fenton Grenville: Well, our little wager should be settled quite soon now, Mr. Steed.
John Steed: Well one of us has to be wrong.
Fenton Grenville: May the best man win.
John Steed: Thank you, I intend to.

  --  Take-Over [7.30]
%
Circe Bishop: Oh, I always use my left hand when I meet people. It confuses them. I think the white walls are very nice, though.
Fenton Grenville: Circe works very hard at being a character. Don't you, Circe my dear?

  --  Take-Over [7.30]
%
Fenton Grenville: Ah, coffee.
Gilbert Sexton: It's awful.
Fenton Grenville: [adressing the Bassetts] Will you join me?
Bill Bassett: How long is this going on?
Fenton Grenville: I don't think they want any coffee.
Gilbert Sexton: Well I don't blame them, it's awful.

  --  Take-Over [7.30]
%
Circe Bishop: I spent all my money on noses.
John Steed: Well everyone should have a hobby.

  --  Take-Over [7.30]
%
Fenton Grenville: These are radio detonated phosphor bombs. They're a triumph of miniaturisation. Circe developed them and a method of using them. She really is terribly clever.
Circe Bishop: Yes I am. I'm terribly clever. I've got an IQ of, of... hm, well I've forgotten but it's terribly high. It's nice to be nearly a genius when you're as pretty as I am.

  --  Take-Over [7.30]
%
John Steed: Beautiful gun, Tara.
Tara King: It is, isn't it? My uncle had it made specially. Then he never used it.
John Steed: [amused] Why not?
Tara King: Oh, the young man married my cousin of his own free will.

  --  Take-Over [7.30]
%
Circe Bishop: You shouldn't have won that bet.
John Steed: I'm a bad loser.
Circe Bishop: [giggles] Do you think I'm pretty? I think I am. I think I could be very pretty.
John Steed: Who am I to argue with a lady?
Circe Bishop: I'm not a lady. That's why I was expelled from medical school.

  --  Take-Over [7.30]
%
John Steed: No, that's not actually what I'm after.
Xavier Smith: Oh?
John Steed: No, what I am after is about, eh, so high, warm, round, sweet and extremely feminine.
Xavier Smith: Sir?
John Steed: Miss King. Is she poking around the back, there?

  --  Pandora [7.31]
%
Rupert Lasindall: I believe they call it 'Ragtime'
Henry Lasindall: I think it's excessively vulgar.
Rupert Lasindall: Oh, come now, Henry. We must move with the times, you know. I am told that in America, that it's all the rage... All the rage. I'm also told that... some people even dance to it.
Henry Lasindall: Dance, to that? It would be improper.

  --  Pandora [7.31]
%
John Steed: [Carter is going through Ministry files and touches those of Emma Peel and Cathy Gale] I know she's indestructible, but it's further back than that. About 1914.

  --  Pandora [7.31]
%
Henry Lasindall: That's all very well, but what about Steed? I've done all the covering up I can but if he should find his way here...
Rupert Lasindall: [interrupting] If he comes here, he'll be looking for Tara King. Isn't that right, Henry?
Henry Lasindall: Yes.
Rupert Lasindall: Very well then. We must make sure that he finds her. Far from here. And dead, of course.

  --  Pandora [7.31]
%
Hubert Pettigrew: Rather good whiskey. Hm.
[takes another gulp]
Hubert Pettigrew: Oh dear. I seem to have finished it.
[chuckles]
Hubert Pettigrew: Inexperience, eh?

  --  Pandora [7.31]
%
Lasindall: Behind the portrait... .

  --  Pandora [7.31]
%
Paul Ryder: Steed was solumn enough during the E.B.A., weren't you, Steed? You remember that?
John Steed: The E.B.A...
George Neville: The E.B.A...
Tara King: The E.B.A.?
John Steed: Exploding Bootlaces Affair.
Paul Ryder: And the G.A.P. Don't lets forget that.
Tara King: G.A...
John Steed: Great Assassination Plot.
George Neville: And what about, the G.T.R.?
Paul Ryder,John Steed: Aaah...
John Steed: The G.T.R.!
Paul Ryder: Couldn't possibly overlook the G.T.R.
Tara King: The Great Train Robbery?
John Steed: Granny Tiddy Feather's Rum.
George Neville: Kicked like a mule.
John Steed: Home-made.

  --  Get-A-Way! [7.32]
%
Tara King: You don't believe in invisible men, do you?
John Steed: Only when I can't see them.

  --  Get-A-Way! [7.32]
%
Tara King: I'll check at the Ministry.
John Steed: And I'll check at the monastery.

  --  Get-A-Way! [7.32]
%
Col. James: We let them have a bottle a month, you know. You think it might have some bearing?
John Steed: Perhaps. But I can't see how. I imagine you check every bottle?
Col. James: Oh, better than that. I sample them, personally.

  --  Get-A-Way! [7.32]
%
Ezdorf: How am I going to escape, Steed, how? How did Rostov and Lubin escape? Will I, eh... c-compress myself into the shape of an arrow and, eh, fire myself through the bars? Or maybe, ah, eh, filter my way through a crack in the walls? Or, eh, convert myself into a liquid and... pour myself... under the door?

  --  Get-A-Way! [7.32]
%
George Neville: And another toast: Steeds partner in crime. You certainly know how to pick 'em.
[Steed laughs]
George Neville: She's delectable, she's delicious, she's eh...
Paul Ryder: A dab hand of the caviar canopy.
[Tara smiles]
George Neville: Gentlemen, I give you: Tara King.

  --  Get-A-Way! [7.32]
%
Tara King: What's this?
Peters: Ah... you may well ask.
Tara King: I am.
Peters: Eh?
Tara King: Asking.

  --  Get-A-Way! [7.32]
%
John Steed: [reading the title of an article] Lizards and their... habits?
Tara King: I've read it. It's really rather intimate.
John Steed: Disgusting habits?
Tara King: Awful. And very crafty.

  --  Get-A-Way! [7.32]
%
Ezdorf: I do admire you. Incisive. Thorough. Relentless. A worthy adversary. Equally matched. We are very alike you and I. Identical.
John Steed: No.
Ezdorf: Where's the difference? We are both dedicated to our country, we are both prepared to die for it. You have killed, I have killed.
John Steed: There is a difference. I kill when I have to. You because you like it.

  --  Get-A-Way! [7.32]
%
Ezdorf: I was trained never to turn my back on an enemy. Because to turn my back put me at my most vulnerable. But, if I turn my back... now, I am at my most invulnerable.

  --  Get-A-Way! [7.32]
%
Tara King: [Tara has accidentally launched Steed's home made rocket] How do you stop it?
John Steed: Eh...
[chuckles]
John Steed: that part of the kit arrives next week.

  --  Bizarre [7.33]
%
[last lines]
Mother: They'll be back, you can depend on it.
[realizing]
Mother: They're unchaperoned up there!

  --  Bizarre [7.33]
%
The Master: Very well, I will arrange for you to leave this life, dispense with it, shuffle off this mortal coil. If you were dead, Mr. Steed... if you were dead, the world would not pursue you any further. The heat would be off, eh? I will arrange your death for you.
John Steed: I could arrange that too, and cheaper.

  --  Bizarre [7.33]
%
Bagpipes Happychap: We like to make death fun! I can squeeze you between an admiral on your port, a midshipman on your starboard and a submarine commander on astern.

  --  Bizarre [7.33]
%
Bagpipes Happychap: Really Mr. Steed, this morbid curiosity is verging on an obsession. If it's digging you're interested in, why don't you take up gardening? I mean roses for instance, plant now and by the summer you should have a fine crop of...

  --  Bizarre [7.33]
%
Bagpipes Happychap: This is awful! Simply awful! There's no body left!"
John Steed: The great grave robbery.

  --  Bizarre [7.33]
%
Bagpipes Happychap: If you put money into a bank, a reputable bank, you don't keep drawing it out to see if it's still there!

  --  Bizarre [7.33]
%
The Master: You already know too much about us. You must remain incommunicado until the whole thing is over. I'm sorry, but those are the rules.
John Steed: Incommunicado? Couldn't I even phone my Mother?
The Master: Not even her.

  --  Bizarre [7.33]
%
